Update...

I don't post much about my life on here anymore. It's been a hell of a year. I've been faced with legal drama, losing almost all of my friends, the loss of my boyfriend, and an opportunity that was stolen from me.

I've endured a lot in my life that has shaped me into a strong person but lately, the strength I used to have is narrowing down and I'm losing my hope in people.

Back in June last year, I did a selfless act of providing a place to live for a friend (whom is no longer a friend of mine) because they were about to be homeless and I felt that I couldn't in good conscious allow them to suffer such a fate.

Over the course of 6 months; I lost almost every friend I had, opportunities to fall in love were taken from me and rules were broken without any justification as to why. I guess some people would rather sleep with the entire town in my home when I'm at work than be a decent human being and live their life with more substance.

More recently, my best friend and I have fallen off the charts with one another because they choose to support the hate that this person has instilled against me. It's sad when you come home and see signs of dark witchcraft having been done against you in your own home by someone who used you all the time while talking to every guy you were talking to and stealing them from you for their own amusement.

This is why I don't click with other gay people. We live in times when deviance and vulgarity take the front seat versus the light of honesty and true loyalty. We live in a world full of 'me me me' and it's really quite sad and detrimental to witness.

I only hope that these people find their way in the end and that I will be blessed with a life that is far more fulfilling and rewarding than what I've witnessed lately.

My boyfriend who I was with for quite some time decided to give up on me due to legal scares that were setup and started by both my current ex roommate and my prior ex roommate. I'm still getting threats from it and it's ruined my inner spirit.

I'm not perfect, I've messed up a lot in my life and I've let people down a bit like anyone else does but I at least try and repair things in hopes that it helps not only the person hurting but helping myself in the long run as well. It seems that people just don't care anymore like they let on.

The pain is so unbearable lately that they other day; while staring blatantly at a belt I own, and glancing at the door in front of me; the idea of death seemed pleasing and for a second I saw my tears turning to ash as I slowly faded into the abyss. I had to step back and try to tell myself that God throws painful situations through out life as lessons and as a means to show we've got something amazing heading our way. Maybe, just maybe, we have more waiting on us than we keep imagining.

It's hard to resist, and while knowing I've lost friends to suicide; it scares me that I'm having these dark thoughts again in my life.

I tried dating recently and it failed miserably. Seems I'm just not the person some people are looking for and I get tired of trying to please anyone. It's in my nature to please though because the heart I carry is heavy in love. It's a curse in my eyes but I've been trying hard to encourage myself that it's more than that; that maybe I'm going through this all at once for a reason.

I hope that God will take this from me in time so I can get back to living. I just want to be happy.

Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing your feelings, Brandon. 6 months is a long time to be looking back. But, if it leaves an indelible mark on your conscious, then I can see why you would ponder so far back. I personally always try to look ahead, at future possibilities. How does that saying go? When one door closes, another one opens. If people don't appreciate you for who you are and what you have to offer, then it's time to close that door, and look ahead, for the next open door.

    Time heals all wounds, or so people say. But, it's the mental anguish that we face everyday that makes time slow down. And it makes us think that our wounds will never heal. We just need to burn the bridges 1 by 1. And when all of your past bridges are burnt, then build a new bridge with someone that you know will care about you, and appreciate you for who you are and what you have to offer. And, rightly so, that person MUST also offer their care and support to you as well. This is a shared obligation. If one person fails to continue that obligation, then the relationship will start to crumble, just like a burning bridge.

    Keep Looking Forward
    - Stephen

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Stephen. It's been some time since I reflected on this post and things have already begun to look up in a much more inspiring way.

      I'm working on my educational aspirations lately, going to school and focusing on obtaining new knowledge. I've been giving the dating scene a break and it's rather refreshing actually.

      Today, I actually did some spring cleaning and got rid of a boat load of things that had empowered the negative notions I held within for such a long time. It feels freeing to see my home slowly progressing into what I've envisioned from the time I first got here.

      Thank you once again for your kind thoughtful words. You helped me at a time when I felt lower than most and your words gave me solitude in a place felt by chaos.

      Forever Forward
      -B.

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