Language?

March 31, 2016

Apparently I'm not 26 anymore...


According to the drive thru lady at Burger King, I'm a little one. 

So I was sitting in the back of the car as other people were ordering their Coca-Cola Icee and the lady that was collecting the money handed a hat over to the driver and said "For the little one". 

We all just busted out laughing. I'm wearing this hat to show that on a positive; I'm aging remarkably well. Or so it appears :)

March 28, 2016

UPDATE: Schooling

So, it's with great pleasure to announce.... I got in!

I'll be taking the prerequisite for 2 weeks to see if I will be able to advance to the full course towards earning my high school diploma and after that; earning a degree in Homeland Security.

It feels good to know that I have this opportunity and that my workplace pays for it. I wish I had known this sooner because I would have taken this chance ages ago. Better late than never though and I'm glad to be on the right path.

Here goes <3

Throwback: Daniel Bedingfield

Click to play

*Source: Spotify (Web Player)

Beautiful song: If You're Not The One - Daniel Bedingfield

I grew up on this track... it was a beautiful song then and it's a beautiful song now that I'm listening to it again

I love this guys vocals... plus; he's quite an attractive guy too... I've liked a few other songs from him as well... wonder what happened to him

#reflectonyoungeryears


March 27, 2016

7Cups: A Place For Letting Go + Update On Schooling

Recently, I started on a program through my 7Cups app that is designed for helping people with depression, anxiety, and anything else that may affect them. Self diagnosed or not; I matter and I am of value. 

This all is truly life changing so far and I am already speaking with a great listener (trainer therapist) about my issues. Combating things one step at a time.

I'm participating in a 7 day growth program so far (currently on day 3) and will be moving onto the next phase after this program is over. 

I'm learning of techniques like mindfulness, breathing exercises, positive affirmation, and speaking with people in a robust community of kind and thoughtful help.

In terms of goals. I recently put in my application for obtaining a high school diploma with a degree in Homeland Security but have yet to hear back from the Walmart Lifelong department about whether I've been approved or not.

Basically I take a prerequisite for 2 weeks and it will determine my eligibility to whether or not I can take the full course. All of the costs are covered through work.

So, if you pray...say a prayer that I get it because I am serious about trying to get this going and plus...I want that degree 

Seems while some things have only gotten harder....some things are looking up and thanks to 7Cups; I'm on the right path to a more positive future.

Thank you to all the wonderful people at 7Cups for what you are doing. Truly inspiring and excellent work. I'm also considering the idea of becoming a listener to help others as well.

To become a listener on 7Cups network; you must take a course and upon completion; you will be able to provide others in need with advice, and scientifically proven ways to help change their lives.

To learn more about this amazing service; visit their website at www.7cups.com

Lie

Truth

If your expectation is too high; you will always have bad luck.

Random Things I've Said (That sometimes made people laugh)

I love Marshmallows but no... Peeps make me want to vomit profusely until I have to go to Starbucks and get a refresher to calm myself #forreal
How I feel when my coffee run low
I was going to send an email but then I found a coupon for Dunkin' Donuts and it was over from there
You mentioned Netflix in your email but truth be told... you got that wrong too... just like most of the email... it's called HULU
Coffee shops remind me of You've Got Mail
 I did truly want to try once... butttt then I had a bagel and it was over from there
The shade was so deep; I had to call Life Alert
Saying your name gives me mono 
If I were a porch, you would fall under it
I think I understand why Trump is the way he is... he's a power bottom

Classical Music

Today is a relatively good day for me. Though the stress of work seems overwhelming and tiring; today seems like one of those relaxing days where you spend time indoors relaxing as the rain is overtaking the outdoors.

As I got off of work a few minutes ago because today is our short day; classical music played in the car and each soundbite traveling to take you somewhere beyond your normal route of living evaded me.

It's a rather fond experience. It makes you feel like the rich kids driving around in Jaguars and swiping their no limit black cards in upscale parlors across the cities they live in. Though for me, it felt like a dream where I had no worries or judgements failing me.

What makes classical music so powerful is that you're not impeded with a preset emotion. You can literally think and feel exactly how you want to feel. 

Thank you 89.3 for playing wonderful music and uplifting me to a therapeutic place of tranquility and solitude. 

March 25, 2016

Essential Oils for Weight Loss



Very informative video. I've been research a lot on essential oils lately and I'm liking what I've been learning lately. Check out this video and learn why essential oils are so great from a doctor himself.

PS: This guy is very sexy to me :)

I let you get away with it

Because I had a heart that forgave. I had a hope that you could be better than that. I had a dream that you would learn from your mistakes.

I was wrong.

Keywords: Fake people


March 24, 2016

It has nothing to do with money

I don't like rich people because they are judgmental narcissists that feed off of people who are less than them in terms of social climb and degrees.

Money should NEVER define who you are or what you do. At the same time, if I were to become a rich kid tomorrow; I wouldn't be like some rich people and take vacations every two weeks to lavish places and spend way too much money on simple items like a bath towel or a freaking robe.

Being humble isn't having a great financial life. It's KNOWING who you are and what you offer people in such a positive way. Like how you make a person feel.

For example, I may not have money like some people but I have a big heart (unless you piss me off) and I'm the type that feels being in tune with your surroundings is more than going out every weekend to get plastered at some upscale bar (Europe; I'm talking to you).

I have a lot of wise experience with being hurt by people; so I can offer those who are just coming into their own an outlook into what to do and what not to do with the real world jerks out there. I also have a wicked sense of makeup knowledge and I could definitely benefit helping out people as I have in the past. I gave my mom a makeover and she couldn't stop thanking me because I showed her how to look ten years younger.

Simple life is living without a need for material things. You can't take any of these things with you when die. This includes cars, clothes, fancy wines, ratchet boyfriends, club friends, shoes, cheesecake, etc

PS: We all die alone. How depressing is that? (also, not really because God is constantly around...yay)

You're frozen; when your hearts not open


If I could melt your heart

March 21, 2016

Changes (Lyrics)

Wake up
Get into fast moving cars
New days
We've come so far

I'm strong enough to carry the wind
I'm bold enough to call you in
Call you in

Head up
Body talks
New ideas
We've got them all

I'm good enough to make you smile
I'm kind enough to make it all worthwhile
Worthwhile

Oh, we're beautiful
Oh, it's forever
Yeah, we're beautiful; beautiful
We're beautiful
Oh, we're valuable; valueable
Cause God takes us on
Feed the change

Fall asleep
Loudness on the screen
Hot nights
We've got a lot to like

I'm faithful enough to make it through
I'm clever enough to show you how
Show you how

Oh, we're beautiful
Oh, it's forever
Yeah, we're beautiful; beautiful
We're beautiful
Oh, we're valuable; valueable
Cause God takes us on
Feed the change

I'm good enough
I'm strong enough
I'm faithful enough
I'm beautiful enough

Oh, we're beautifully broken
So here's to hoping
We've got the best of friends
Cause God holds up till the end
Feed the change

Yeah, feed the change; because we're all the same

God can be the change

You Never Know (Lyrics)

You hate me; thats fine
You don't care about me; so this is goodbye
But somewhere we're still laughing like kids

I've said some messed up things
I've been one; to never follow my dreams
Of all the mistakes I've made
I ended up with you

It's funny how life turns you down
The feel of the moment; the loss of sound
The world caves in; you've lost a friend
Death overtakes you; but we're still living
Sometimes I wonder what I would be like
If I had never met this foreign type
Would I expect someone else?
Would I feel like I'm still beautiful?
Sometimes; you never know

I used to wish at night
Wish that we could get things right

We're two kids stuck in our own fight
Everyone around us dies

It's funny how life turns you down
The feel of the moment; the loss of sound
The world caves in; you've lost a friend
Death overtakes you; but we're still living
Sometimes I wonder what I would be like
If I had never met this foreign type
Would I expect someone else?
Would I feel like I'm still beautiful?
Sometimes; you never know

All I wanted; it was all I wanted
Misery is still flaunted; still given

So, I bet you never think of me
It was all too easy

Nothing is good and nothing is bad
But I don't know how to look back

To find the boy I knew before you


Ex Lovers (Lyrics)

I met your former
Last night
I sent him a message
He replied
Is that the same one
That did me wrong?
Why did you like it; like it?

We talked and talked
For hours, hours
We made a plan
To remember
Never give up
We all deserve change
Reflections in the light
Take back our good names

We are all ex lovers; lovers
Spinning lies; under cover; cover
Crying and screaming for others; others
We are all ex lovers; lovers
And I'm not the last one
You will play
Call me stupid; steer hate my way
My mind is a temple; my heart is the key
I'm not the last one
That you will delete

Last night I tried to call you; call you
Voicemail says that you won't do; won't do

My heart beats in islands; islands
Your words echo the silence; the silence

I thought I knew who you were
Years thrown under the clouded hurt

We thought we could change each other
Nothing is right if we bother

We are all ex lovers; lovers
Spinning lies; under cover; cover
Crying and screaming for others; others
We are all ex lovers; lovers
And I'm not the last one
You will play
Call me stupid; steer hate my way
My mind is a temple; my heart is the key
I'm not the last one
That you will delete

I met your former
Last night
I sent him a message
He replied
What the hell happened?
Why?
That's when I realized
You won't ever be okay
You don't follow your own oath
You won't ever be the same
I've been trying to let go

We are all ex lovers; lovers
Spinning lies; under cover; cover
Crying and screaming for others; others
We are all ex lovers; lovers
And I'm not the last one
You will play
Call me stupid; steer hate my way
My mind is a temple; my heart is the key
I'm not the last one
That you will delete

Spinning lies; under cover; cover
I thought we would last forever; ever
But I'm no good at being what you want
I'm human and I don't deserve to be shot

Oh, but I'm not the last one
I'm not the last one

Oh, I won't change myself
I won't change

So accept me for who I am
Though you couldn't ever be a man

I don't wanna go back
I have my chance

For freedom; freedom
I'm not the last one; the last one

March 20, 2016

Story (Lyrics)

I look around
See nothing
Shadows fall
I listen for the sound
Hear nothing
Angels call

I'm getting used to this silence
I expected this moment

My words are detaching
My mind is still reacting

When does it stop hurting?
You already got what you wanted, no
When does it mean just a little bit more?
You made your point, now go out the door
I'm somebody else, nothing can shake me down
My heart on fire, but my smiles are frowns

So God I'm calling, I'm in need
So God I'm calling, heal me

I try
Get nothing
People talk
Love seems too cheap

I've been terrorized
My childhood built on crimes
The world I see
Justified in hating me
Left with bitter lies


When does it stop hurting?
You already got what you wanted, no
When does it mean just a little bit more?
You made your point, now go out the door
I'm somebody else, nothing can shake me down
My heart on fire, but my smiles are frowns

So God I'm calling, I'm in need
So God I'm calling, heal me

They've twisted my words
Stabbing me in my heart

They've taken all the joy
Left me with broken parts

All I know is nothing
All I want is love

I guess I was just hoping
That I could rise above

So God I'm calling, I'm in need of grace
So God I'm calling, take these memories that break me
So God I'm calling, give me what I need to feel okay


Matthew 22

Judge not; lest you be judged.

Let It All Go


List: Songs for those suffering breakups, betrayals, or other harsh setbacks

1. Jojo - Leave (Get Out)
2. Carrie Underwood - Starts With Goodbye
3. Birdy - Words As A Weapon
4. Oh Wonder - Drive
5. Carrie Underwood - Lessons Learned
6. Kina - Girl From The Gutter
7. Natalie Grant - Love Has Won
8. Birdy - Wings
9. Goldfrapp - Hunt
10. Lucy Rose - Middle Of The Bed
11. Oh Wonder - Without You
12. Beyonce - Disappear
13. Taylor Swift - Bad Blood
14. Natalie Imbruglia - Torn
15. Sheryl Crow - Strong Enough
16. The Ropes - Too Cool To Love
17. Noosa - Fear Of Love
18. Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
19. Christina Aguilera - Fighter
20. Christina Aguilera - Keep On Singing My Song
21. RHODES - Somebody
22. Birdy ft. RHODES - Let It All Go

I will update this list as I find more :)

Words As A Weapon by Birdy (Lyrics) - My thoughts all in one song

I feel your knife as it goes right in
Cut to my core but I'm not bleeding
All that you say trying to make me small
Well, the bigger you get the harder you fall
You use your words as a weapon dear
But your blades don't hurt when you have no fear
You think that you're deep under my skin
You're trying to keep me suffering
If you use your words as a weapon
Then as a weapon, I'll shed no tears
You have my heart but I lock it up
This burning flame has been burnt enough
My window's cracked they can be replaced
But your arm will tire throwing stones my way
You use your words as a weapon dear
But your blades don't hurt when you have no fear
You think that you're deep under my skin
You're trying to keep me suffering
If you use your words as a weapon
Then as a weapon, I'll shed no tears
I feel your knife as it goes right in
You use your words as a weapon dear
But your blades don't hurt when you have no fear
You think that you're deep under my skin
You're trying to keep me suffering
If you use your words as a weapon
Then as a weapon, I'll shed no tears
I'll shed no tears

Reflections: Using your own words to interpret my own view

Dus, als ik denk terug aan alle dingen die je gedaan hebt voor mij. De jaren dat ik het gevoel heb verspild aan een zielig excuus voor een man. Ik weet dat althans het uiteinde; mijn hart zat.

Bij het onderzoek en zien dat een cultuur van het houden van geld (een belangrijke zonde in de Bijbel) en het idee dat minder van het betekent dat je minder bedragen; Ik spreek in Nederlandse termen die hier (letterlijk) - het is zeer verontrustend dat ik gebruikte om te denken dat je de cultuur en manier van leven was beter dan de mijne. Nu zie ik dat ik precies waar ik moet zijn en moet zijn.

Ik gebruikte om een ​​obsessie met Europa en ik wilden gaan naar Europa voor de langste tijd als gevolg van deze valse idee dat open en liberale gedrag op straat werden getoond. Geld niet tellen als een waarde voor iets anders dan eenvoudig overleven en het idee dat misschien mensen in Europa zijn vriendelijker dan de mensen in Amerika zijn als het gaat om mijn seksualiteit.

Ik had het mis echter.

Ik heb geen spijt te hebben ging door om het even wat. Ik heb geen spijt van de kwetsende dingen die ik onlangs heb gezegd. Ik heb geen spijt voelen een soort manier tegen u (of uw blind sidekick) en ik voel geen vijandigheid naar u toe.

Kijk, mensen kunnen me bedreigen, liggen voor mij, en denken dat ze wonnen omdat ik tonen emoties maar op het einde ... je verloren ... en dat zal zich in de tijd te zien zijn als je pakken wat karma in petto heeft voor de beide van jou.

Laten we eens kijken, acht jaar van leugens, geen berouw voor het kwetsen van iemand, het idee dat je een personen eigen woorden verdraaien tegen hen ... ik zou belemmeren om te zeggen dat karma zal meer dan vertienvoudigd zijn. Dus een versnelling hoger schakelen; op een gegeven moment; alles wat je opgedaan door mij zal vergaan. Het kan in tien jaar gebeurt vanaf nu, of; het kan in een paar weken gebeuren vanaf nu.

Uw veroordelend idealistische visie op mensen is heel verbazingwekkend. Vooral dat we allebei veroordeeld mensen op basis van look. Dat verandert voor mij echter.

U kunt zo prachtig uitzien als een engel aan de buitenkant door het gebruik van veganistische maaltijden, uitgebreide trainingen, en het idee dat iedereen wil om te kijken als je, maar je niet beseffen dat sommige mensen willen ook op mij lijken.

Hier in de Verenigde Staten, hebben we een phenomenon genaamd 'Winnaars' en dit zijn de mensen die doelbewust proberen ongezond ten behoeve van een wedstrijd waar ze financieel terrein kunnen winnen te krijgen.

Sommige mensen de voorkeur aan een persoon met vlees op hun botten, omdat het betekent dat ze geen honger gaan in tijden van nood. Het is een gevoel van veiligheid en een manier om te rechtvaardigen dat niet iedereen te zien als een snob.

Forgive me if this translation is horrible; you can thank Google for it. (purposely provided in English... just to confuse you)

Als het gaat om de e-mail die Val naar mij; een gevuld met sluwe haat woorden; slimme wendingen; en een vorm van actie om chantage op mij te leggen; Ik voel me niet om het even wat. Ik heb eerlijk gezegd niet.

Je kunt me das, je kan al mijn woorden verdraaien tegen mij, maar je kunt me niet veranderen en dat is wat je doodt. Dat is de basis van al deze gedragingen.

Uw boos dat je niet kunt controleren en iemand verandert als je kunt in je eigen land. Ik heb ergens gelezen dat dit typisch is voor Nederlanders en hoewel ik weet niet zeker, want ik ben geen Nederlanders; afkomstig van een Nederlands meisje zelf; Het spreekt boekdelen en nu deze hele zaak maakt totaal zin.

Ik was een project voor u. Een lange, vermoeiende en backlashing project voor u. Ik hoop dat je alles wat je zocht.

De pijn die ik had te verduren en het hartzeer dat ik getuige in mij is genoeg om te zeggen dat dankzij u ... Ik ben de bittere persoon weer ... je weet wel; de persoon die je nooit wilde dat ik weer

Dit keer echter; Ik ben bitter tegen een bepaald soort persoon. Doe jezelf de gunst ooit, sloot het geld, de auto, de fancy huis, en de fancy vakanties, en een bezoek aan een plaats waar je hebt niets. Leef je momenten in de schoenen van iemand anders letterlijk. Dan kun je zeggen dat je hebt je recht om iemand te beoordelen op basis van hoe ze leven verdiend.

Ik heb dit al eerder gezegd en ik zeg het nogmaals; kun je geen geluk of mensen kopen. Verliest de liefde voor geld. Het is niet goed.

Toch, wanneer spreken over de liefde en je te houden. Ik voel dat ik moet het bekend dat met mij te maken; zodra je me vernietigen met de meest kwetsbare momenten die ik met u gedeeld; Er is niets meer voor me te voelen.

Dus terwijl je misschien nog 'love' me of zo u en Val vordering; het is niet echt voor mij en ik voel me niet hetzelfde.

Ik hou niet van je en ik opnieuw zal nooit. Niet eens een klein beetje.

Ik ben dankbaar wel op dat je onzorgvuldig en koud waren. Het leerde sterker te zijn. Om de kleinerende wereld die wacht buiten onze deuren staan. Om de persoon die anderen niet kunnen zijn voor mij.

Tot onze dagen zijn voorbij; wees voorzichtig, zijn een beter mens. Jullie beiden.

Thank you

First let me start with the fact that I knew before you came out with it. I knew that the photos you were using were a bit different from the ones I knew before. I still don't know the person you were impersonating whenever I first met you; considering you look NOTHING like the people you used.

Good job, you should get into acting since you are so good at being cold and hurtful. It's not a great trait but why not be the greedy person you are and instill that love of money towards a different kind of project.

Remember the time when I commented in a conversation how different you looked (when you showed me pictures of Erick) and claimed that you've been doing something different with your style...and then of course you were thanking Val for it (I bought into it or so you thought by agreeing with your thoughts on the matter)

See, I've known for a long time that you were playing something. I just didn't think you would do it for a THIRD time. Here in America we have a philosophy that we all live by.

Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me.... fool me three times, shame on both of us

I've always lived by that idea because I'm a very FORGIVING person and that's what we do. We forgive (but we don't forget) and we try to get past people and their mistakes.

See, I would of respected you more if you had came out with it in the beginning but YOU chose to drag this on; not me... regardless of what you feel will justify your twisted view on things

YOU are the sick one. Using people and all but you already have someone.... greed... it's loud isn't it?

It's bad when Brock (my own bestfriend) is telling me based off of your emails that you WILL do this to someone else again. Yeah, good luck with that... like I said... you will do this stuff to the WRONG person someday and it could potentially get you killed if you keep up... just letting you know

Regardless, I don't feel sorry for you... I don't care about you... I don't even wish anything for you... as far as we are concerned here... you don't exist... you never did and you never will :)

That applies for both of you.

So now I'm going to use your OWN words against you... just like you did me...

Jij bent dood voor mij. Jullie beiden.

Ciao ciao mon cherie.

You use your words as a weapon dear

Then as a weapon; I'll shed no tears

March 18, 2016

A Leo I work with told me... (UPDATED)

Leo's bounce back from heartbreak and betrayal... girl, yes... God's taken control of the situation because he knew I needed him...

Some things to get off my chest... (no anger intended... just being blunt)

1. I'm not stupid

2. I'm not the one to blame (yeah, you tried to blame it all on me but you were the one who played me... so about that)

3. I don't care what you do to me; I'm gonna do me

4. You can't change people (the whole time I knew you; you were trying to change me to fit into YOUR life without realizing that accepting people isn't changing them)

5. I helped give back something you couldn't give me; your welcome

6. You twisted EVERYTHING I've ever told you in confidence against me (cold to the core)

7. You can't sweet talk your way out or into everything and you should wake up before you start believing your own lies

8. Sexual tension = hookup ho... and I'm not a hookup type... nice try though

9. Immaturity has come from EVERYONE involved. Stop blaming one person for all the problems when you, myself, and a certain someone else were all equally to blame... my God... the dude supported you LYING... Guess we can't all buy into the material view

10. You can't buy love, happiness, or people

11. You never asked to video chat and when I asked you... you changed the subject... but I mean, we gotta make stuff up as we go right? Hey, if it makes you happy... why the hell are you so mad at me for?

12. YOU were the one who sent things to me... I never asked for it... I'm not a gold digger and you made me feel cheap at times... like I was a whore... I'm not... and no offence... just saying... can't buy me

13. You've killed every fiber of emotion I felt of you....I literally feel nothing for either of you... but at the same time... I don't wish anything bad on you... you shouldn't fight evil with evil... that's what God says at least and I value that quite a bit

14. I never judged you... I never made fun of you.... and I never lied to you... (except for that video... but I took it down... so Vally... don't get all mental love... it's gonna be okay... I don't have the time for it anyway... nor the care)

15. If I'm pathetic then so are you... just think about that thoroughly for a minute

16. What you have done in life isn't what makes me befriend you... I'm a simple person with that... KINDNESS is the key to all happiness

17. Your words validate nothing but your own vindictive ideals... and I don't care anyway... never will

18. You're actually more attractive than your fake picture people... butttt your personality might be slightly changing that for me... not bad... but good... you already got a man anyway... duh

19. I'm not into rich kids with fancy cars and pretty eyes.... but you were cool at one point

20. I love your Oprah story about life... you should write a book about it and then charge me an arm and a leg for it

21. I did truly want to try once... butttt then I had a bagel and it was over from there

22. Miracles do happen; they just didn't happen with us... I'm happy they never did... truly

23. I never wanted to fall for you... believe it or not... I didn't fall for you until almost 6 months into knowing you... and even then... I felt something was off about you... now I know what it was... so thank you for confessing at least... that much is a kind gesture... even though you basically told me what a crappy person I am... hm... what did Vally say in his email......... oh..... it takes one to know one.... thank Vally for that wonderful line of reality

24. Your idea of reality is a false idea of reality.... or so Brock has said... I agree... maybe if you got rid of all the fancy wines and things and did a SIMPLE trip to a SIMPLE place that isn't ritzy... you'd understand where I came from... SIMPLE living where it's freedom and you don't have to care what others think of you... I certainly don't and guess what... people like me MORE for it

25. I have a feeling you faked CAT pictures..... who does that?

26. I'd love it if you cursed me out in Dutch... then I could come up with new slogans for my room

27. Cheesecake is life

28. I'm actually a teenage girl in California who drinks lattes and masturbates to Yugio cards

29. I emailed MTV about you... but they never called back... and I don't care

30. You should go blonde sometime...

So there, those are my last and final thoughts on the matter... I'm glad I could make you feel better but in the end... I feel better because I don't have to try and be what YOU want me to be... that's not how friendship works and the sooner you realize that... the better your life will turn out... but I'm sorry... I guess your life is simply perfect and that's why it resorted into trying to make me like you... I'm me... love me, hate me, I can't be made into something I'm not... Let me live my own life just as I have let you live yours... I never judged you... or your partner even though at times, I could of easily been catty and said mean things but I didn't because I am beyond that... see, you may have learned mannerisms... but do you practice what you preach? No... you're the one that decided to start cussing and everything... did I encourage it? yes... because I was a rebellious kid at the time

So, in the end... I changed you too... (though I hardly change for anyone because it's MY life.... and YOUR life... we are in charge... not the other way around)

Anyways, some upsides for me...

1. Got a date on Sunday with a sweet guy that really seems to like me and I like him

2. I feel nothing when I think of the two of you... literally... nothing and it's freedom for me

3. You didn't make me bitter or lonely... I'm a Leo... I know how to bounce back from shade and keep my sunlight shining

4. I've managed to stumble upon information at work that is wonderful; my work will pay for schooling... so it's a plan at the moment to go back

5. God is healing every break you've done, every lie you've told me, and every judgment you've ever made of me. He's my sword in all of this darkness.

6. I don't feel any animosity towards anyone because I'm literally beyond it and I won't validate someone else to make them feel superior

7. Your right... I'm trailer trash... you know... I grew up in a trailer... and I took out the trash... great joke bro

8. Me and Brock are closer than we have been in a long time and it's all thanks to both of your emails... not to mention... I'm not the crazy one... especially with Brock's rant that made more sense than half of those words mentioned in the emails

9. I'm inspired because of anger, hurt, and the like.... wait... did I do what you did in your emails... yes I did... I just created an oxymoron of myself... great job!

10. I don't need you, I don't need your boyfriend and I never did because I honestly know how to make my situations work for me... I'm independent to the core... I've always been and it's a blessing that I am able to be... no vindictiveness... no lies... yess!

11. I actually mean everything I've said lately... excluding the video I deleted because you're right... it was beneath me but I think it's great how we've got this mean girls style of being nice but later bashing each other because we're so pissed off.... YOU did all of this; not me...YOU kept coming back around... YOU initiate most of the conversation.... YOU wanted me in your life... so your email is a bit off isn't it? see, like I said... instead of trying to change me... you could have accepted me as I am... not sure how catholicism works on this but "come as you are" is a focal point in religion and God... also, I am still able to be a friend to people... what I do in my life is MY business... I didn't ever come at you about all the stuff you did... I mean I could have... for example... all the XTC you were so willing to do (you know, it kills happiness right? it's true... serotonin decreases significantly and therefore... your mental state actually gets toyed with)... but right... I'm stupid... I'm sorry I didn't get that memo

12. All cattiness aside... I still care... I hope you stay cancer free (like my sister is) and I hope that you find the happiness that you feel you lost in me... I'm finding mine

13. Your threat didn't make me feel some type of way and I didn't even care to react... I'm human, I have done things... have you ever made mistakes? YES YOU HAVE. We all do. We're not perfect and I am at least willing to show that I'm DOWN-TO-EARTH and not attached to my money and my vacations...etc... call it whatever you'd like... I'm me and you are you... nothing wrong with it

14. While Leo's always try to take the burden... we know deep down we didn't do anything wrong... I know I definitely didn't... like I said... YOU made all of this happen because YOU pursued it... I was there... I participated... I got lost... and now I'm good

15. Coconut oil makes amazing lube (anyone up for a laugh? ... I know... my jokes are corny too)

16. Because you were a douchebag... I actually lost weight and I'm still losing it.... thanks for the membership to fakewatchers.... I mean weight watchers

17. Your butt is..........a butt.....haha yayy

So anyways... this is the weirdest post I've ever done...I like it :)

Mm bye

I heard you're going round, playing the victim now... what, don't


Great start to a pretty awesome day

#shockinglyhealthy

Amen


Take Control EP (In Progress)

Hey loves,

As part of my process, I will be working on new musical material. A lot of work will be pushed into this. Bare with me.

This EP is meant to be raw, and untethered by heavy edits. An EP to expose what I feel and reflect on my past, present, and discover my future.

Here is the first title track (conceptual and not final but raw for sure):


March 16, 2016

Karma's gonna visit you too


Lyrics: 

For all the things you said I'd never do
For all the things you said that were untrue
For all the times you made me feel alone
Said I'd never make it on my own

(chorus 1)
Things are lookin' up for me now
Seems like Karma's makin' its rounds
Its my turn now, won't be held down no
Karma's gonna visit you too
You gotta pay for the things you put me through
I hope you do, I hope you do, yeah, yeah

(chorus 2)
I hope your hell is filled with magazines
And on every page you see a big picture of me
And under every picture the caption should read
Not bad for a girl from the gutter like me

For all the times you said "I got your back"
For all the times you stabbed me
For all the times you tried to hurt my pride
For all the pain I held down deep inside

(Chorus 1)
Things are lookin' up for me now
Seems like Karma's makin' its rounds
Its my turn now, won't be held down no
Karma's gonna visit you too
You gotta pay for the things you put me through
I hope you do, I hope you do, i hope you do

(Chorus 2)
I hope your hell is filled with magazines
And on every page you see a big picture of me
And under every picture the caption should read
Not bad for a girl from the gutter like me

Needed to make me weak to help you feel stronger
I know y'all bitches think I'm somewhere dyin' inside
O yeah poor Kina, she went home
She couldn't take it no longer

But I'm, right here
I'm right here
I'm right here

(Chorus 2)
I hope your hell is filled with magazines
And on every page you see a big picture of me
And under every picture the caption should read
Not bad for a girl from the gutter like me

(Chorus 2)
I hope your hell is filled with magazines
And on every page you see a big picture of me
And under every picture the caption should read
Not bad for a girl from the gutter like me yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

My new favorite song.... the beat itself is lovely (Electronic)


Time to be soldiers.

Cheap words



I left you a beauty mark

Beautiful song


Lyrics:




You're spinning out of control again
Your life feels like a sinking ship
You're wondering how it came to this




Is it too late?
Is it too far?
For Him to reach you
And come to where you are




Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane




You're in the wreckage underneath
Your hope is buried somewhere deep
You're wondering how long it will keep?




It's never too late
Never too far
For you to reach out
And take a hold of love




Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane




Don't back down from the fight
He'll shelter you tonight
Just hold on for the change
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane




There's a place, there's a place you can run
When you fall, and it's all come undone
You'll be safe in the raging storm
So just let go
'Cause you are held in His arms




Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane



Oh oh


And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in a hurricane


I've never felt so torn before; seems I don't know where to start

No such as thing as perfect people


I'm not perfect; I'm beautifully broken. Come as you are.

Take control

There is hope


I give it to you God. I give it all to you.

Crying out... breathing in



God; never let me go.

Fight Another Day - Addison Road


Man will fail you but God is always there. Let go, Let God.

Rise above it...no such thing as impossible


God; take it all because I'm unable...

Let it go...


</3

Prank Channels Need To Die!





I agree with her 100% - introducing my (real) friend Karina. Girl, thank you for the support on my channel <3

Truth


About that...


March 15, 2016

To all the FAKE Euro trash out there...

FUCK YOU.

Boy In A Box

My heart is in pieces
And you are the reason

No care or shame
Just empty games

Mindless defeat
Another fucked up week
I'm just trying to breathe

Lost a friend in overdoses
Say what you want but I will know that...
I'm better off on my own

And I've known this for years
Of all the nights I feared
Someone like you

Take what you think you have
Break every emotion I show
Nothing is right and nothing left to hold

I don't belong in your selfish ways
Money thrown to buy my faith
But nothing compares to this
Forgetting what you did
And all I gave in you
It's amazing; how much I hate you

You can't change a heart that doesn't beat for you
You can't make me smile or feel like the sun is on my side
It's too much for me to try or care

Giving up on a ghost I knew right here
A picture built on deceit and tears

Nothing shames you
Can I even blame you?

I guess the truth is my flight to falling away
Sad to know that I'd rather die than stay

You don't even feel

I don't belong in your selfish ways
Money thrown to buy my faith
But nothing compares to this
Forgetting what you did
And all I gave in you
It's amazing; how much I hate you

I hope someday
You will feel the pain
The loss of something strong

I hope someday
You will hurt worst than me

So maybe you could be a better man
Or justified in dreams; you don't give a damn

It's easier to judge
Lessons on love
I'm cursed in who I want

You've taken away my innocence
A voice of reason

Honestly, I feel the world flying in my hands
Freedom that I never felt

And I'm over you
Time to find my youth

And you mean nothing

March 14, 2016

Catfished... new year; new heartache

TO BAS (AKA ERICK) & VAL:

I want you to think about the fact that I sacrificed my own love in you so you could find the love you were badly in need of. I gave you what you wanted. I helped you find love when I was in need of finding it myself. I don't need your hate. I needed your support in finding myself. To that; I thank you because you held that much. The end is sweet isn't it?

Since day one, lies have speculated most of our years. I have known you (or the person you've created from time to time) for 8 years. The pain that I feel from this is unlike any other pain I've felt in a long time. Thank you for destroying any hope I had in anyone. Think of that whenever you go about treating someone like crap at the expense of who you 'love' and care for.

Upon a conversation with Val this evening, it's clear that he made this happen. I get it. Jealousy, posh behavior, and the occasional fake lines all seem to be the trend for European men; and yes.. I will generalize... You feared bringing out the bitter side in me but I'm there once again and this time; I'm keeping my heart locked from people that DO NOT deserve even an ounce of the joy and kindness that I can bring upon someone.

 I'm DONE with the both of you. You both deserve the same that you've given to me.

I thank you however for the gifts and memories; they count for something in light of this. I learned a lot about myself during all of this. I learned how to let go quicker and how to get over the pain better but this is something that will stick with me for awhile. I appreciate the candor. Really, I do.

You are both cruel people. I hope who ever you decide to do your foolish games with will be smarter than I was. To hurt, to lose, and to bruise a heart in the way that you have. It's unforgivable.

All you have done is hurt me in this way. I can't; I won't; I don't have to.

Goodbye on both of you.

May God bring to you what you've brought unto me. May you feel the pain that you've given me. May you relish in the decisions that you will not conquer. May you find silence in your call for betterment.

In the end; I'm thankful because this is a new beginning. This is a chance to break these chains that have held me back. To finally get what I deserve to have; love that is unmatched to the shameful behavior displayed by people of your stature.

You see, I can be cruel too. I can be dark, bitter, undone, and full of rage but I choose to let go. I let go of the lies you gave. I let go of the detriment you release. I let go of the anguish you desire. I let go of YOU.


TO MY READERS:

This will be my last blog post here for some time. I will be taking a brief break from posting for some time to focus on new projects that I am currently starting.

I'm looking into better platforms for voicing myself on the things that truly matter to me most. Tumblr, and among other platforms are in consideration but when I know for sure where my new home will be; I will post the information here after which this blog will be going private to prevent any new readers from accessing this blog.

I understand that this is an inconvenience but I promise you; it will be worth it.

God bless you all <3

PS: Here's a picture of the people who catfished me for 8 years




God's greatest gift to all


March 13, 2016

Is it bad...

So I've been going to the gym a lot lately. My friend and I have really bonded again over our Fitness goals but a very charmingly tall and fit blonde has been eyeing me lately.

Should I approach him or should I leave it be as an innocent gym flirt?

I feel on one hand, it's a great opportunity and on the other hand...it's a possibility that it would lead to an awkward moment (or two)

Oh God, please give me a sign. It would be amazing if he would just approach me and talk to me already.

Dreams...it's all just mere dreams darling

I'm just trying to feel alive again


March 11, 2016

Confusion

I'm not sure what to think. Name changes, face changes, it's all a bit cloudy.

I'm going to let go of this confusion and let God handle it. I'm not mad, I'm just confused at this point and God knows what needs to be done. It's all yours God.

#keepitmoving #dontgiveup