February 28, 2016

Ambiguous Sexuality

The other day I was discussing with a friend about how cloudy sexuality can be. We live in a world where shade is everywhere and no one wants to own up to their true nature. Instead we promote the idea that it's okay to lie about things to validate our social standing in everyday life and that; is not okay.

There is a growing epidemic of 'bromance' and 'if I suck dick, I'm still straight because he didn't fuck me' stance going on. The fact of the matter is; if you enjoy it... to me; you're no longer straight... that's like me sleeping with a girl and enjoying it but still claiming to be completely gay... at that point I would in reality be bisexual because I found an attraction to a woman and therefore it changed my mind on something that wasn't known prior.

I personally think the word bromance is stupid. The whole thing to me is just a prefabricated social idea that a so-called straight guy can get away with doing things that gay men do but still justify his own bullshit with "I'm straight". No; you're not dear.

See the problem with that is in all the years I've known about this bromance trend; not once did it occur to me that a TRUE straight man would send nude pictures of himself to his gay friends. This is something that happens and I know a friend who tried to justify this like the rest of society but after I gave him an eye opening talk; he can understand that phisad that lingers on this matter.

Last I checked, when straight men are getting away with doing gay things; us actual gay people were chastised and called names for it but because we now live in a politically corrected sado-morale kind of world; it's okay for a straight guy to act gay and still be straight? NO.

See, before this whole idea of bromances and metrosexuality; gay men had to fight for their right to even be who they are. We had to defy the odds and prove our stay in the world. To me, bromances are a disrespect to those who fought for gay rights in the Stonewall riots and for those who marched with Harvey Milk. It's a slap in the face against those who are truly being themselves and not covering up with idealistic shams to justify doing things that they shame themselves for later.

This culture of "I'm bi but I'm straight" and "I'm not gay but I'll suck your dick; just don't tell anybody" is absurd; disrespectful to gay men and women alike; and mocks the very substance of our gay rights movements that led us to be able to have the freedom to walk down the street holding hands or being able to kiss our partner in a public setting.

How dare you try and destroy that with a 'trend' and one that doesn't do anything but prove that you are making an ass out of yourself and gay people in general. You are saying it's okay to lie to people; that it's okay to pretend to be someone else and hide who you really are.

It's not.

Whatever happened to the simplicity of stating who you are and just sticking with it? Like for example; your straight... you can hang out with a gay guy but you won't be flirtatious or send pictures of yourself or talk about fantasies... you are simply a guy who is hanging out with another guy.

Even women are caught up in this trend. Playing the idea that kissing a girl isn't 'lesbian' of them. It's a disrespect to those who actually are lesbian. Think of how you would feel if a guy or girl that is gay pretended to be straight and did straight things all the while stating that they are still gay; it's a front to the very nature of who were truly are. It's a way of putting people down and borderline racist.

None of it is acceptable and I'm sorry but if you claim as someone who is 'gay for pay' but yet you are hard as a rock when you are doing it... YOU'RE GAY hunny. Stop lying to yourself and be true. Haven't we all suffered enough bullshit in the past from straight men?

Just saying.

PS: I have no problem with straight guys and I have friends who are straight. I just feel this is a topic that no one is speaking about and I want to air my own view on the matter and why I feel like bromances are a disrespectful trend against gay individuals. You may agree or disagree but this is my own view. I'm not speaking for the world.

February 26, 2016

Favorite E.L.F Products (2016)

So lately I’ve been on an E.L.F kick to try a few products that I hadn’t given much thought to trying before.

Here’s what I gathered recently:

-Lip Balm Tint (Berry & Nude)

-Studio Bronzer Palette (Bronzed Beauty)

-Smudge Pot (Cruisin’ Chic)

-Jumbo Lip Gloss (Nude)

-Studio Ultimate Blending Brush

First, let me start off with the fact that I loved every single one of this items. I’m a very picky person with makeup. I only want the best to sit in my collection; who doesn’t though?

Out of all of the items recently purchased here; I would say my favorite is the Smudge Pot. It reminds me so much of my Maybelline Color Tattoos and it’s almost a 75% price reduction in comparison.

The pigmentation is amazing. You can apply it to get sheer coverage simply by patting it onto your lids; if you want full coverage; just rub it into your lids and apply it once or twice for the best results.

The color Cruisin’ Chic is simply gorgeous and really make my blue eyes pop. The irredecence of the color arrangement is stunning, a mix of silver shimmer; gold; and a clever take on taupe is prominent in this one and it looks radiant as ever. The perfect shade for summer time.

The next item I’d like to talk about is the Ultimate Blending Brush. Blending is something this brush does well. I decided to apply some blush to my cheeks to give it a try and behold; glam cheek color that took less time than usual. Usually; blush is something I spend a little bit of time on because I want to evenly cover both sides; this brush will apply blush so beautifully and evenly. The coverage of the blush itself gets an added boost as well. So if you are looking for a brush that not only blends out well but will boost coverage of your favorite blush; look no further than the amazing new Ultimate Blending Brush from E.L.F’s Studio line up.

I'm okay

I have to realize that I'm okay
It's okay to feel a certain type of way

This entrapment between fear and security
The idea invented to keep me from history

I feel like no one understands me
I wish that people could be more honest

It hurts when you call out for a friend
But they won't bother to let you in

No tears or signs of being human
Just an idea that they have to be the happy one


February 24, 2016

Love and silence

Part of my anxiety issues is the fear of being too independent. I get to sit back and see everyone around me find their perfect match and the whole time; I'm left with the idea that at least with cheesecake; I'll feel some sort of emotion.

There is this kid in me that used to think that if I gave a little; I'd get a lot back but that isn't always how life works and unlike others; I'm not going to try and convince someone that my opinion is the right one.

I've done a great job at pairing people. I paired my sister with her now husband. I paired my friend Bas with his (at the time) ex boyfriend. I've got a knack for making everyone else happy.

But what about me? What about what I want?

It became apparent the other night that I have a clear intent to guys. They mostly view me as the fuck boy that they can not commit to but have the fun they are ashamed to talk about. I feel like I'm secretly Marylin Monroe and guys won't ever take me seriously or respect me.

All my life; I was always the one that a guy would look at and think "I want to fuck him" but I've rarely seen the guy that was thinking "I want to be with him".

The other night a friend (whom for lack of better terms is a guy I slept with a few times) felt that cheating on his boyfriend with me was going to work. I declined respectfully.

See, the thing is; I'm not property. I have emotions; goals; and dreams like anyone else. I deserve to be treated with dignity. I have an odd view because my views are ever changing and that alarms some people because it means I'm not as predictable as they may be.

Rather than cheating on the guy you're with (which you should be grateful for because finding someone is daunting) - maybe you should BE with him to begin with and stop trying to get extras from people like me that you would rather see single and unhappy than live out the wild dream of 'love'.

Some people would give me hell for it but I don't believe in love. It doesn't exist to me and it's been this way for a year or so now. It's not necessarily a bad thing because love isn't a requirement to survive but it's something I can't seem to master. I've mastered the art of letting people be people however.

Everyone tells you "There is someone out there for you" and "When you least expect it; it will come to you" and I call that all bullshit. If that was the case; I'd be with someone by now. Stability has nothing to do with it. I'm talking finances here because if a poor person like myself can find love (like many stories I've witnessed) - than what is stopping my story from getting to that point.

Anxiety is an issue I've recently found out about in myself. It explains so many things about me and it's also a major factor as to why I'm single probably. A lot of people are unable to handle a person like me because they lack understanding of what anxiety really is and what it means to have it.

I have it at the clinical state.

Still, the idea of this ever knowing love and how it's bubblegum aura of "I love you" and "Let's get married" is rather exhausting to witness over and over and over and over again; all the while you get left for dust and no one is even bothering to teach you the magic secret that seems to have come to them so well.

It's not that I'm not dating or getting out; I've been doing these things. I just think that my purpose in life is beyond what everyone has ever told me. If it didn't work out with all the other ones before; what makes it so that it will work out with anyone after this post is made?

It won't.

So, to the universe; to God; to everyone I know and cherish; and to the 'OMG' types... I officially give up on love.... I'm not a kid anymore... the only love I know is what I have to allure myself with... the idea that it will maybe; just maybe.... make a difference in me... whatever it may be

February 22, 2016

I've tried everything

If anyone knows a program that would work well on Mac OS X Mavericks (10.9.5) in order to access my blogger in a more intuitive interface; please let me know.

I've tried Blogo (horrible support for media - virtually all of my SoundCloud embeds didn't show up) and I also gave BlogTouch a chance and it seems the overall interface is too small and the fonts are rancidly scratchy looking.

Is there something free available? Maybe even using the Chrome Browser but utilized as an application instead of visiting the website constantly?


February 21, 2016

As Children - IX - 2015 (In memoriam of Mandy Spivey)

Mandy was a close friend of mine. Someone I grew up with and someone that wanted to be around a lot of times. She and I would joke and laugh and from time to time; spend time outside of school to enjoy what was our younger years and time that was meant to be cherished as we got older.

As time passed by, years would shed and in 2011; news of her passing came swiftly from a close call between myself and another close friend of Mandy's to which was a moment that I couldn't hardly bare.

Mandy was only 20 years old when she died.

If you or anyone is suffering from suicidal thoughts or simply need someone to talk to; please visit this site and get help that you need. You are not alone.

February 19, 2016

Hey (For Fun) EP (2016)

Unleashed: Induction of Distortion Pop

This EP represents a new chapter in my experimental journey. Finding my sound; inviting unlikely ideas into my process; and embracing a diverse collective of what used to be shamed. Welcome.