Love and silence

Part of my anxiety issues is the fear of being too independent. I get to sit back and see everyone around me find their perfect match and the whole time; I'm left with the idea that at least with cheesecake; I'll feel some sort of emotion.

There is this kid in me that used to think that if I gave a little; I'd get a lot back but that isn't always how life works and unlike others; I'm not going to try and convince someone that my opinion is the right one.

I've done a great job at pairing people. I paired my sister with her now husband. I paired my friend Bas with his (at the time) ex boyfriend. I've got a knack for making everyone else happy.

But what about me? What about what I want?

It became apparent the other night that I have a clear intent to guys. They mostly view me as the fuck boy that they can not commit to but have the fun they are ashamed to talk about. I feel like I'm secretly Marylin Monroe and guys won't ever take me seriously or respect me.

All my life; I was always the one that a guy would look at and think "I want to fuck him" but I've rarely seen the guy that was thinking "I want to be with him".

The other night a friend (whom for lack of better terms is a guy I slept with a few times) felt that cheating on his boyfriend with me was going to work. I declined respectfully.

See, the thing is; I'm not property. I have emotions; goals; and dreams like anyone else. I deserve to be treated with dignity. I have an odd view because my views are ever changing and that alarms some people because it means I'm not as predictable as they may be.

Rather than cheating on the guy you're with (which you should be grateful for because finding someone is daunting) - maybe you should BE with him to begin with and stop trying to get extras from people like me that you would rather see single and unhappy than live out the wild dream of 'love'.

Some people would give me hell for it but I don't believe in love. It doesn't exist to me and it's been this way for a year or so now. It's not necessarily a bad thing because love isn't a requirement to survive but it's something I can't seem to master. I've mastered the art of letting people be people however.

Everyone tells you "There is someone out there for you" and "When you least expect it; it will come to you" and I call that all bullshit. If that was the case; I'd be with someone by now. Stability has nothing to do with it. I'm talking finances here because if a poor person like myself can find love (like many stories I've witnessed) - than what is stopping my story from getting to that point.

Anxiety is an issue I've recently found out about in myself. It explains so many things about me and it's also a major factor as to why I'm single probably. A lot of people are unable to handle a person like me because they lack understanding of what anxiety really is and what it means to have it.

I have it at the clinical state.

Still, the idea of this ever knowing love and how it's bubblegum aura of "I love you" and "Let's get married" is rather exhausting to witness over and over and over and over again; all the while you get left for dust and no one is even bothering to teach you the magic secret that seems to have come to them so well.

It's not that I'm not dating or getting out; I've been doing these things. I just think that my purpose in life is beyond what everyone has ever told me. If it didn't work out with all the other ones before; what makes it so that it will work out with anyone after this post is made?

It won't.

So, to the universe; to God; to everyone I know and cherish; and to the 'OMG' types... I officially give up on love.... I'm not a kid anymore... the only love I know is what I have to allure myself with... the idea that it will maybe; just maybe.... make a difference in me... whatever it may be


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