Language?

September 30, 2014

Voice*

I was a child
Too careless
Too fearless

I was broken then
Too hopeless
Never open

Now I'm breaking down the seal
I'm not running from you

I've let go of myself
Justified in my reach
This promise that you keep
This promise that you keep

I was afraid
Too shallow
Too vain

I was a liar
Too low
So full of hate

Now I'm breaking down the seal
I'm not running from you

I've let go of myself
Justified in my reach
This promise that you keep
This promise that you keep

I am yours
I'm yours

So have me, if you will

God Complex*

Speaking angels from your lips
You've got a complex

Looking for failure to bend
You've got problems

Hold on until the end
You've got to let it in

Nothings better than what I've seen
Prove the words you say; longevity
If I try, would you like, where else to go?
If I cry, would you lie, what else should I know?
You try too hard to be impossible

Wise but only by your benefit
You've got intermission

Lurking for distraction
You're the cause of your reaction

Nothings better than what I've seen
Prove the words you say; longevity
If I try, would you like, where else to go?
If I cry, would you lie, what else should I know?
You try too hard to be impossible

Reverse the things you've said
You've got a complex

Change your mind and still play dead
You've got a complex

I won't miss you
I won't diss you

I've been calling
I'm never falling

Nothings better than what I've seen
Prove the words you say; longevity
If I try, would you like, where else to go?
If I cry, would you lie, what else should I know?
You try too hard to be impossible

Impossible
Impossible
Impossible

You try too hard

Growth*

You've wanted what you can't have
You were begging to get love back

Struggling for motion to sound
Creating your hell from your mouth

You've ached for so many years
You've wanted more than you could adhere

It's hard to know how
People are complicated
Love has no doubt

I'm always here waiting
When the lights go out; we're fading away
My memory; still carries you in the wind
I'm always here searching
When the world is feeling hopeless
My dreams; still carry you in the wind
Someday I'll know how to live

You've managed to get by
Telling yourself so many lies

You've never been one to admit
What you really think

Just time to forfeit

I'm always here waiting
When the lights go out; we're fading away
My memory; still carries you in the wind
I'm always here searching
When the world is feeling hopeless
My dreams; still carry you in the wind
Someday I'll know how to live

Built walls behind us for what we had
Vacant bricks that crumble on my skin
I've looked high and low, found impossible
Somewhere, the love still glows

It's hard to know how
People are complicated
Love has no doubt
I'm always waiting

I'm always here waiting
When the lights go out; we're fading away
My memory; still carries you in the wind
I'm always here searching
When the world is feeling hopeless
My dreams; still carry you in the wind
Someday I'll know how to live

Someday
I'll know

How to live

September 29, 2014

Is it sad or just a sign of bitterness?

In my short life, I've fallen in love in as little as 5 times, two of which don't count because they were so short term that if it had been a series on HBO; it would of likely never caught on but I digress.

Tonight, my good friend Brock got me on a gay-themed movie on Netflix entitled "Getting Go: The Go Doc Project" and for some reason; I felt a lot of emotional distance after watching it. The guy didn't get his love story he was looking for; though he found himself a bit which is still relatively a nice catch.

I can't help feeling that the older I get, the more bitter I'm becoming. I hate feeling any kind of pain, whether it's emotional, or otherwise. I hate being reminded of what I never accomplished. I hate knowing I wasn't successful in my attempt at finding what I see in other walks of life around me.

Films like this have always been touchy for me because it always takes me back to times that I've wanted to forget; the pain, the knowledge of knowing it can't possibly go my way when I want it to; it all has caved on me when I see it on screen before my naked eyes.

While this 'doc' style film was a nice addition to have on Netflix for most people; it was all too formative, a reminder of what once was and what has yet to be.

I fell in love with a guy similar to 'Go' awhile back and it was a bit of a strange episode because he wasn't even into men per say; but rather sex when a girl wasn't around. I don't know why I felt this emotion towards him and it still has me confused when I think about it. I don't like feeling confused.

I like precise planning, intelligent operations to stand by, and a keen sense of determination to keep me going. When I met him, I hadn't met someone before that shared my interests so deeply. He drew artistic pieces, wrote poems and songs, and created music. All things that I had hungrily strived to find for so long before him. Yet, when it was all gone, and he threw it away for cheap nights with an enemy and some hefty needles to keep his flight; I was crying, humiliated, and feeling abused.

My point is that though I may appear like I've moved on, I don't always do a good job at keeping up that lie. I'd be a liar if I said that I don't still love the people I had given my heart to in my past. I will always hold something close with them because I gave you that piece of my heart with good reason.

I don't like reminders of what I wanted because I know that deep down; my time hasn't come yet to get it. I know that my time hasn't come to find the love that I so deeply wish for.

The problem isn't love itself. The problem is the people that can't accept it. If a man is in love with you; willing to give up everything for you; and even willing to change a part himself because he feels that your love conquers all; then by all means, give him a piece of your heart. Love isn't complicated. People are.

September 23, 2014

Random Honesty*

They say people are weakness
They say I'm never alone

I've tried so much
I'm going on

You wouldn't see my face
I'm only a screen away

I'm good with second guessing
If it makes you feel okay

Scars are just paintings like
I'm feeling sane

We want what we can't have
We're begging for something back

We won't give what we should
Blessings never came

They say I'm different
I think I believe them

Drink down your tomorrow
Drink down your sorrow

I feel the good life
You suffer inside the sky

I felt a new wave
I'm feeling new ways

I wonder who I am
I know who I am

You try to teach me
I'm trying to keep me

You speak too heavily
I'm speaking random honesty

Weakness*

They build you up
To break you down

They say one thing
Meaning another

You can't change the past
Only yourself; to keep on track

It takes you over
Giving them all your power
Try hard not to keep it in
Say it with me; we'll begin again
Begin again

I hear the words so quietly
You can't make everything

They mean what they don't want to say
Scary and crazy but it pushes you away

I feel it in the things you hate

It takes you over
Giving them all your power
Try hard not to keep it in
Say it with me; we'll begin again
Begin again

We're weak to the human tide
We rush and rush and fight

One life and another well
It's not forever, so make it count

Youth*

We were quiet little voices
Searching behind castles
Pouring out our dreams

Misunderstood, we wondered
Fighting all the wind

We're brighter now
Now we let ourselves begin

It's cruel but you have to do it
It's trivial but love is a movement
Don't forget but never remember
All the words, there is never to surrender
Love, escapes from these arms
Missing your lips, never holding on

Don't think too much, we're passing by
I want to see smiles, rivers of light
All these onings, the people erase
Now we're growing, two faces between

Young and too bound
Mystery of deception and sound
I've been certain
I'm where I am now
For you

It's cruel but you have to do it
It's trivial but love is a movement
Don't forget but never remember
All the words, there is never to surrender
Love, escapes from these arms
Missing your lips, never holding on

Misunderstood, we cried and begged
Fighting the fortress, of wisdom and sin

We're brighter now
Now we let ourselves begin

Moving forward
New innocence

September 18, 2014

They won't know who we are


So we can both pretend

Chaos follows a wise trail

Growing up, I was never the popular kid that got invited to parties and things; mostly because I kept to myself a lot. I was hurt by a lot of people; some I knew and invested in and others I didn't even say hi to on first glance.

The more I think over it and the more I look at life for what it is; the more I realize that it's good that I have an independence in me that gets stronger and stronger everyday. I have no need for social interactions because I am already validated in who I am; and I don't feel it necessary to keep trying to prove what worth I have to people who are unwelcoming or for lack of a better word; can't appreciate me.

At the end of the day; I'd like to help people. I'd like to have a lasting impact on people's lives but I fear that sometimes; I'm day dreaming and thinking I can offer this change but reality is settling in and I'm seeing that we can only help ourselves. Change is on-going. You can't expect things to be perfected; to acknowledge you; to feel accomplished; or to build in a notion of prosperity. It is what it is.

As I get older; I know that feeling upset over setbacks are simply hurting myself. Those people that do me wrong or feel like their actions are overlooked simply because of some smiles, cute words, and a great wit for humor; they are fooling themselves. You can hurt people easily with a simple word or look. This is the unfortunate side effect of people in general.

We are on a one track towards our own gain but we neglect to understand that helping another is the direction meant for us. Civilization did not expand and become a knowledge driven planet from a simple conversation. It developed from on hand activity from one another. It became because we pushed past our setbacks as people and decided to be above it.

I'm able to feel content being on my own because I don't need another person to validate my feelings. I'm going to feel how I feel at the end of the day and there is nothing you can do to change that. Kindness is a reputable medication for life's short comings and problems and people lack the understanding required to accomplish such a notion. It's unfortunate, but it's true.

When someone treats you differently; it's because they aren't able to appreciate the amazing qualities that you offer. They are harbouring their own issues and it's taking an effect on their overall demeanour. It's important in life to let go and smile when the times are of major strife. You deserve to smile because some people will never have that luxury in their lives.

People are a weakness for me. This is why I've let people walk over me, lie to me, play my heart like an iPhone game, and sleep with me when they should of never experienced my love in any form. I'm proud to say that today, I'm more guarded, more aware, and more true to myself and my nature that I won't allow this behavior around me.

I refuse to be used, manipulated, or talked down to (including to my face) by people who think that their ways, their words, and their actions are higher or better than myself. You are still weak at the end of it all and you're a fool if you think that perfection is in anyone other than God because if we were perfect; we'd have no purpose for this life that we live.

The problem with people today is that they are hung up on their pasts. They are lost in their battles and upset with the outcomes they have. People are ungrateful and demanding of things. It's sad but it's not the end. We have to get above ourself to fully understand the wise choices that resonate around us. We have to become the better halves. Who else will?

Remember. You are not perfect; stop trying to be. You will make mistakes but you are also going to be held accountable for everything you say and do. Do you want to die knowing you hurt someone for no legitimate reason? Do you want to die someday knowing you made a fool of someone you cared about because you couldn't face yourself or the issues you were harbouring at the time?

Think before you act. Only you can change your direction. 

September 5, 2014

Creature*

I've opened up to bring out the truth
It's lifeless, the meaning that you keep, just for you

We've built up these walls like cities full of sins
Higher than the sky, the words to let you win

We are, always losing time
You've already lost your mind

Tell the world just what to believe
It's impossible to love everything

What would it take to run away?

You're sorry but you can't let go
You're unworthy, captive inside yourself
You're sorry but you can't let go
You're uneasy, never find yourself

It's impossible, to reveal love

I'm a rare form of justice and youth
You could miss the world in front of you

I don't miss anything at all
Bitter doorways and cheap phone calls

I don't need the touch you can give
I've had better

I forget you live

You're sorry but you can't let go
You're unworthy, captive inside yourself
You're sorry but you can't let go
You're uneasy, never find yourself

I forget you still live

September 2, 2014

The best life lesson I've learned

Along the way, I've encountered the pan-sexual that didn't know what he wanted; the guy that fought every word that ever came out of my mouth; the so-called friend that slept with anyone I loved; and the delightful drug addict that felt like drugs were the great thing since puberty.

All I have to say to people out there that are struggling to find answers in those situations or struggling to let go of those people is this...

First mistake - let it fly
 Second mistake - say goodbye 

The reason it's imperative that you let go on the second mistake is because those mistakes are purposeful and they are patterns which will lead you on a path you don't want to be on. These lessons you learn out of your mistakes are meant to guide you; protect you; and build you into the person you were meant to be. 

So take the initiative; let those bad people flee out of your life and focus on the most important person of all; yourself. The reality in life is that you only have yourself and God. There are great people out there that will be there and believe you and me; you will find them and they will find you but you have to let go first in order for God to bring those blessings to you. 

You are beautiful, you're strong, and you are loved. Remember that! 

Rise above

I know that life will always throw lessons and curve balls at you. It still doesn't change how you feel or deal with it but we all have our own process that works for us.

Depending on the situation; I will be upset for a day or so and then shortly after I will re-evaluate the situation and determine if I should continue to pull through it or address it head on.

Most of the time, I pull through and use these mishaps as stepping stones towards my future. I use it to better myself, my way of thinking, and how I will handle future situations of the same calibre.

I think that for me, it's best to completely obliterate things from my life once they become unpleasant and do nothing but cause me stress, over thinking, and an overall negative effect in my emotional state of being.

Lately, I've let go of a lot of things that were breaking me. I've taken a high hit against my name and a lot of things have happened to me that have taught me life lessons I needed to learn. I can honestly say that I feel like a strong, direct, and well adjusted person. So to those people that upset me, to the situations that made me feel like I wasn't worth anything; I'm deeply thankful because they've shaped me into the best version of myself that I've been striving towards.

You don't have to dwell on people or petty situations to pull through them. Thinking about them only adds fuel to the fire. You can change everything with a simple yes. Taking charge of your life is the first step to recovering from a major breakdown. I've been taking charge a lot lately.

I've got a lot going on these days. Planning for my move at the end of the month (which will hopefully continue on as planned as long as things are taken care of in a timely manner) is going pretty well so far. Still many questions that lie ahead but a lot of good to be had in this experience and I'm excited to see what becomes of it.

I'm also taking steps towards my other goals as well, I've got my saving starting to build up for my car fund, I'm also looking into other options with saving money on things and really focusing on applying myself with work related issues and activity.

I look forward to what is coming to me in my future. I know that I will meet some good people; I will learn from them and build a better me in every way; I know that realistically; there will be mistakes made; I will fall back on things that I know I shouldn't but overall; I foresee a future that can potentially set me free. I see a future full of fresh beginnings, mistakes to learn and build from, and people to learn from, and hopefully some lasting friendships or more.