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August 31, 2014

Get a little closer


Listen closely

Coming soon

There comes a time in everyone's life when they must part ways from their home and move onto a brighter and new found purpose that can expand and educate oneself about truly living a free life.

Free as in; independent of course.

Recently, I was given a very long awaited offer from someone I am in touch with about moving into their new apartment and starting a new fresh life together. Building something for myself and helping me to get further onto my path towards adulthood.

It's been several years now and I've been hard at work for the past 2 years; trying to prepare and learn everything I can in order to build a stable environment for myself. It's only now; at the age of 25; that I'm learning my true self and coming to terms with the impossible.

Among the details so far, I will be living in a two bedroom apartment nearby my workplace (an added bonus) and I will be able to look towards working on what I have planned for myself ahead. I've been told by multiple people that I should consider a career in education considering I would make an excellent teacher and my spirit leans towards showing people their true colors.

I think this is a massive change; but one that I've been waiting for; for a very long time. I look forward to what lies ahead and I believe that I will accomplish great things with this transition into my independent life that I'll be sharing with a friend I've been in touch with.

I don't know what lies in front of me; but I know that I will make the best of it and utilize my sources to make it a positive effect in my future life. I will reach my goals and I will be happy because of it.

Shady

You never had a problem with me tagging you in posts before but all of the sudden; these days at least; it's a major issue to you if I decide to.

I valued you at one point but now; you are nothing to me. Ciao asshole.

August 30, 2014

Truth of You

You can pretend like it never happened
Treat me like a ghost

You can act like you're not like me
A victim from long ago

The evidence shines upon your eyes
You can't hide the truth, buried in your lies

It is what it is
I'm not afraid of it

You're worth just lowered
I'm not fond of it

It is what it is
I'm not ashamed to say

I can't love you
If you can't love me

You don't want me to be seen with you
That's just another cop out
I've never been so rude
How do you feel now?

So I stamp my name; across your lies
Let the people know that you
Have everything to hide

I've got to let it go
If I don't want to be paralyzed

It is what it is
I'm not afraid of it

You're worth just lowered
I'm not fond of it

It is what it is
I'm not ashamed to say

I can't love you
If you can't love me

You can pretend like it never happened

It never happened (X4)

You're so ashamed of yourself
It's obvious that you're living hell

I've got some money in my pockets
Let's forget what we were really about

I've been waiting, I've been searching
All along, you've been undeserving

It is what it is
I'm not afraid of it

You're worth just lowered
I'm not fond of it

It is what it is
I'm not ashamed to say

I can't love you
If you can't love me

You can pretend like it never happened
Treating me like a ghost

Just because

I'm going to share a little naughty something...

Apparently, a guy that I slept with said I taste like Jolly Ranchers

So, if you like Jolly Ranchers, you're single, and you like to eat out; I'm you're guy ;)

#tasty

I'm going out alone

 
So you can't go home

August 29, 2014

Some memories can paralyze me


All these thoughts that make me crazy

You see yourself in everyone who crosses your path


But I cannot tell you enough

That's not who they are deep inside

Every day is exactly the same


There is no love here and there is no pain

Fact


I wish we could go back

To the times when you would compliment me and tell me how much you loved me and how much you wanted to make a hella cool beat together

I'm only dreaming

August 28, 2014

Death*

You used to care
Things have changed

Compliments not there
Repeat offending

If I could
I'd erase this
Memory

If I could
I'd go back
Forget

You used to smile
Things have changed

I love you
You don't love me
I feel it

It's empty
Down here
Memory
From fear

If I could
I'd run far away
Reborn

If I could
I'd change my name
Forget this place

I don't need

All I want is for you to speak with me
Keep a smile, walk a mile in my shoes

All I ever heard were things of distant pain
Keep it close, never let go, I'm not okay

I needed you

You used to care
Things have changed

Compliments not there
Repeat offending

It felt so cold
You won't ever know

I really loved you
Now, I let go

Run together


I think too much

I'll stop living in the past


Let me in

August 27, 2014

If you want it

Chase after it

#lovestories

A*

Sometimes, I miss those words you've gave to me
Sometimes, I remember the things you made me believe

I don't hate you, I know it's not right
I feel like I knew you, I never knew why
You gave me nothing; I gave you my light

Sometimes, I wonder if you even think of me
Sometimes, I want so bad to see you

I don't deserve this, I know my worth
I feel like it's hopeless, but I never want to let go
You gave me nothing; I gave you my all
I wish it were different; I wish I never knew you at all

Sometimes, I hear your voice
Sometimes, I wonder why you did me the way you did

I didn't understand, I know you were being a man
I felt like it was too much to bare
You gave me nothing; I gave you love
I wish it were special; I wish you would just talk

Sometimes, I miss those words you've gave to me
Sometimes, I remember the things you made me believe

I don't hate you; I don't want to
I feel like we are still alive
I've fought for reasons why
You gave me nothing; I gave you my time

Sometimes, I remind myself that I don't have to
Sometimes, I miss everything about you

It's all so messed up, the way that it is
Sleep with the enemy and feel like you never did
Those things really hurt, I tried to let you in
You gave me nothing; I've died within

I wanted all of you, knowing I never could
I'm settling here, I'm finding truth, trying to be understood

I don't need this heart, so take it from me
Give me the voices, the things I want to keep
I don't want to hurt this way, I hope you can see

You were special; but I was everything

A

Us*

You could send me a letter
Tell how much we miss each other
You'll ask for forgiveness
I'll let you in

We will try to fight for each others emotion
Touching and loving until there is no devotion

So many have tried to connect with these limbs
Just simple let downs, how do we forget?

All we want is love
All we want is love

You start a conversation
Smile again so I feel sensation
You'll kiss my lips so I remember you in the morning
I'll be such a fool

We will do everything we never have
Twisting and turning so we can look back

So many have tried to connect with these limbs
Just simple let downs, how do we forget?

All we want is love
All we want is love


Traveler*

I've climbed these tears to find a piece of me
Nothing hurts like it did, I know who I want to see
Faces are just lessons burning inside of your story
We want, we chase, never to remember, only to face the lie

Ghost, I feel your love disappear
Oh, gorgeous lover, I feel you near
I still want you, I still see you
I don't know who I hear
Is this what love becomes?
After the fight you fear
It feels so impossible

Wrestling over and out
Just to shut my mouth
It's comfortable to leave it be

Secretly, I'd like to speak of things
Just say what you've created in me
So I can defy your thrills
Maybe a kiss, or just to smile and feel

I look up
A part of this heart is reaching for skies
We want, we chase, never to remember, never to know each others name

Ghost, I feel your love disappear
Oh, gorgeous lover, I feel you near
I still want you, I still see you
I don't know who I hear
Is this what love becomes?
After the fight you fear
It feels so impossible

Faces are just lessons
Never to become a cycle
We can change this
If only you had hope

Flesh*

I sneak into these lies so I can stay away
They comfort the small side of you
These failures that you can't face

Little boy, why do you envy?
What's the problem? What were you really sending?

They want your body, and all your words
Give nothing back, just a little more blood

Naive to build up his ego
Sorry liar wanna know how we go?

My heart is beating like a drum
Step back; so I'm on the run

We can't break the habit
Too weak to choose
We're just defeating the purpose
You can have, you can have everything
If you're eyes were just open
You could be happy

Who, who was the one that meant the highest in your game?
We can act like we're breaking bridges
Honesty never came

I've never felt like I was your favorite
Until the lights went pitch black
My body was all you had
Do you like it when I turn my back?
Just comfort for satisfaction that never lasts

You can't give yourself away
It's impossible to love a man
You don't know what the hell you want
You don't understand
Gender is no means to perfection
All I tried to give was a piece of protection

I've witnessed your calming
Do you like the feel of my lips?
They all just want your body
Taste of sweet cherry kiss

I'll give what they need
Just to be in this cage
You can't handle me

I'm everything you've never got
My lips close; my body stops

You destroy to feel alive
Shit always looks so nice
Only on the outside

Road to Nowhere*

Surround yourself with vanity
Circles of people that never see
Young and broken but trying to breathe
All you've wanted, they never did keep

They lead you to believe in one thing
All this time, it's been empty

You've felt so much brighter
You've had this feeling last longer

You've dreamed

How does it feel, to lead astray?
Voices speaking in different ways
Every tear rips the same

All along, it wasn't real
The love, the smiles, the feeling you feel

Build up your castles again
So you never, never love them

They lead you on (X2)

I've, misguided these islands
The birds they watch for use

Use me to get where you've been losing
Fear of another truth

Words like velvet
Pretend to feel the same
Just to get what you want
Did you get what you want?

How does it feel, that misery?
You hide behind your regret
I know it, I know it, you're playing cover up

Deeper and deeper; fighting to give none

They lead you on (X4)

You've felt so much brighter
You've had this feeling last longer

This time I ran too far away


I have read the words on your face
They told me things I shouldn’t know

August 24, 2014

Goals

  1. Get a car (useful for getting the hell out of here)
 2. Relocate (possibly somewhere like California?)

3. Get a real man (babysitting is getting so old)

I make room for everyone


Wrestling people for peace

The day you died


I came to say goodbye, cause you're feeling nothing.
Assuming to your heart, we got nothing at all.

Super delicious


&& only 21 Carbs!?!

#smoothiesforweightloss

Cast Away


Cast away, from the train, I can give you what you want
Walk away, from the flame, and I won't make the same mistakes

I know what I want; do you?

I got off the phone this evening and a close conversation started. Apparently, more fuel has been added to this cycle of vengeance and 'getting back' at people goal.

You've stolen someone I put first in my life, you've talked crap about me and my best friend, you've lied to countless people and continue to do so, and you thought that doing something as ratchet and dirty as coming to my workplace and discussing my personal life with a manager I work with would break me.

I'm still here. I'm still strong.

Apparently, a recent event occurred where someone I had to let go of has popped into the wrong circle of people's lives again. That's great for you; I'm sure you're discussing all the little things you want to do to 'get back' at me for someone YOU created. YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF YOUR ISSUES. I'm just saying.

Still, I digress. I honestly don't think about any of you. I don't care about you like that because I don't put people first that treat me like crap and have no morals or respect for themselves. I can't afford to have someone less intelligent in my life. I'm above it.

So, it's cool that this vicious cycle of bad plots and drug infused banter is keeping you guys company. I'm enjoying a real life without the need for stupid addictions. Unlike your addictions and so forth; I know how to face my issues. I know how to learn from my mistakes; how is that so hard for you?

Also, I don't care about what I had with you either. None of that matters now. It never should have, had I known how horrible you people would turn out to be. I've got a kind heart and you took that for granted for so long. You tried to turn me into a horrible unlovable person just like yourself. I'm so not there.

God carries purpose in our lives. He exits people that are no longer needed in our stories. You've been exited for a reason because God knows I don't need your drama. He knows that I'm above that and that his plans are much more than what you could ever accomplish.

I don't have to sleep with someone for them to love me. I don't even have to speak their name. If you really feel something for someone, you do whatever it takes to make them notice and make them a part of your life. God decided that you were playing me so badly, lying, and going back on your word, that you needed to be exited from my life. I'm thankful everyday now because of that. I'm better off than I ever was around you. I don't need you. I never did.

So keep thinking you save the world by mending relationships and so on but honestly dude, no one is going to truly do what you want them to in this life because at the end of the day; people do what THEY want to do. You can't force change. You can't make people good. Only THEY can do that for themselves.

While I went through my phases of moving forward, I discovered that hearing your name has no effect on me now. I'm neither angry, nor smiling like a school kid over it. It literally has no value and I'm thankful that you created this outlook for me on you. I realize that I'm worth more than you could ever afford. Whether it's friendship or otherwise. I'm a luxury that you can't have. Aside from this post, I rarely even bother speaking of you because you hold no importance in my life.

Funny, I swear at one point, we both had this weird importance thing down but it's far gone now. I guess when you sleep with someone that you lied and said you never would sleep with; it just has this lasting effect of 'hell no' imprinted in your mind. Regardless though, I hope losing your morals and your dignity has served you well love. I hope that every time you stick your dick in someone; you're reminded of what a crappy person you are.

I'm pretty certain that nothing is important to you. You have no heart. This is why God took you out of my life. This is the result of me not caring about stupid behavior.

On a side note though, I feel bad for you in one context, I know that you have your mental issues and so forth and I get that it's taken a lot from you but at the end of the day; YOU consciously make the decision. YOU have the power to change your outlook and your outcome. So STOP using your mental issues as an excuse for being shady. YOU decided to be shady on your own terms. Own up to it because you are definitely not always right and unlike others; I wouldn't fall for it again; if by miraculous chance we ever sat down and had a conversation or whatever again.

Still, I feel like you're just this lost little boy still. I feel like someone really really did you wrong and you're repeating that behavior with everyone else. Sometimes, you've got to look in the mirror and realize what you're doing to people and learn how to better yourself from it. I hope someday, somehow, you will find that lesson and apply it when and where it needs to be applied.

Yeah, it hurt me a bit that you lead me on, played on my emotions, and slept with my worst enemy after you LIED and said that you wouldn't. You didn't just break me, you upset my best friend too. So, carrying the idea that it was just me you affected is foolish because you messed with two peoples emotions.

Still, I'm not angry at you any more, I feel like I pity you a bit. I guess it comes with the process but just because I'm not angry with you doesn't mean that I like you either. I don't hate you though. You had a positive effect in my life in some areas; but the negative effects outweigh the positives and it's clear now that I never should of invested myself in you. You never invested in me and it was a pointless cause anyhow.

The flaw that I took from was that you can't love. You can't love yourself and you can't love somebody else. It's not okay to toy with people's emotions though. It's not okay to play "I want you" one minute and then "I don't want you" the next minute. Doing things like that are why people keep their distance and forget all about you. This is why you're still single. You can't love. You're incapable of something strong like that.

I mean, honestly, I was only important to you when YOU were drunk or high as hell on something. That's no way to be and if that's the only time you care; I don't want any part of it because I'm worth more than that you are just tagging along for the ride baby.

Even though I may not agree with your ways, and I may find you impressively stupid sometimes, I still think that you have a chance if you try. YOU are the author of your own life story. The point of the matter is; I missed you for awhile and while I'm getting in this new transition of not missing you or your hurtful behavior against me; I'm finding out what independence really means.

I can talk of how horrible you were and how bad of a guy you are but I still feel like we connected at some level. It may not be good between us now; because you want to keep negativity in your life; but at least I can remember the good times we did have before. A solid reminder that people make mistakes; but never give your heart to someone who can't accept and nurture it back to love.

I know that deep down, you'd always sway at the sight of some pretty girl with big boobs and a fabulous smile and that's you but I know what I want and I need a man that knows what he wants around me versus someone who can't make up his mind on what makes him happiest. I don't envy anyone. I don't care unless I need to care. This is just who I am these days.

I'm direct about what I expect and what you can expect from me. All you have to do is just ask. So to all of the others out there that might pop into my life; be prepared; you will have A LOT of proving and explaining to do before I allow you to become of any importance in my mind, my heart, and my life.

You have to fight for your right to love somebody. You have to take charge in your own life before you can help someone else take charge in theirs.

Remember that kiddo.

August 22, 2014

So many gorgeous guys, so little interest aka randomness; again

Maybe I'm getting older; maybe I'm becoming bitter a bit; or I simply just have no will to care for anyone but myself these days.

It doesn't make me a bad person; I'm protecting myself. I've been put through so many situations that were beyond what I ever expected. I've said yes when I shouldn't have and wanted to say no. I've said no when I really wanted to say yes. The vicious cycle of dating, falling in love, falling out of love, giving up, re-loving people I once hated, and so forth... it gets exhausting.

Lately, I've been checking out the delicious beauty that walks around and all I can think about is moving somewhere with more substance. No, not drugs or parties or hot men that sleep with every single person they meet. I literally mean; pack my bags, relocate my career elsewhere, and start over with a new life, a new purpose, and opening my heart to someone who will appreciate it.

I see so many faces everyday and so many of them look tired, sad, confused, or entitled. What happened to the people that were confident, knew what they wanted, driven, loving, kind, and above all; clear in their ways. Are we so modern today that we have to have things right away, we have to sleep around to feel connected to a person, we have to betray people we care about most because we can't accept who we really are... it's all so uneasy and tiresome

I'm turning pages in my book of life these days, I see a happy guy, dreams being mended, love being stronger, and a nice little vinyl collection that comes complete with a beautiful geeky guy that has the world's cutest British accent.

It's sad however, there is this really sweet, romantic guy that's been speaking to me lately and it's hardly been a subject of affection with me. I mean, I feel like this guy is great and he's definitely someone I admire but, I feel like this is moving a bit fast for me. I'm not sure I feel ready to take on the duty of 'boyfriend' with someone. Maybe I'm just coping out because I'm afraid. I do however feel like I've found someone I can really connect with. Too bad he lives so far away.

My point is, I've got to let go of that place inside me that's been trying to stick around lately. I've got to forgive people; let them be the total assholes that they are; but realize that I'm going to be stronger. I'm not dying but I feel like love has been dead for a long time. It was only until recently when I shockingly discovered that I still had emotions.

So, to the asshole that broke me; thanks dude. I guess you were good for something after all. I still don't give a shit about you but at least now, I don't feel like cutting your dick off; which I legit felt would of been hilarious honestly; I've got a messed up mind underneath it all.

I'm weird; I'm crazy but you can never call me baby.

Either way, I'm getting somewhere lately... I can feel it in the air... the season is changing soon and I feel like my time is coming to let go of things and move on for good... I feel the angels surrounding me with their warmth... I can feel something is about to happen... and it's going to keep me happy for a very very long time... it's only a matter as to what... what is it going to be? a guy? a relationship? a new life in a new state? I'm open to you great spirit; give me all of my hopes and dreams

August 21, 2014

Yes girl

I saw how you had lost your earrings you liked so much and well, as your friend and close co-worker; I felt like you should have some sexy hoops to flash around... Gotta love that NY swagger... Makes me happy that I brought a smile to your face today... this is what friendship is all about... it's the little things that count most; love you girlie :)

One is the loneliest number


#haters

I need to get my message through


Don't you let go

I'm breathing electricity


#breathefordreams #loveyourself

These places that you go

 

#modernlove

It always makes my day when... aka randomness

Someone comes up to me to remind me that my kindness has power. A reminder that being the better person and respecting everyone and forgiveness is key.

Though some people have made mistakes, or done me wrong, at the end of the day, I know what I have to do. I know I don't deserve it and I know that I can do and will do a lot better for myself and I already am.

Sometimes in life, people come in and they are lessons for you to fight and learn with. You find a piece of yourself in every moment and every error that they propose against you. It helps you figure out who you are; what you want in life; your priorities; and it lets you know that you are indeed; very important in people's lives.

Today, I had a pretty crazy day at work; tons of things to do but I got them all done and it makes me smile knowing that I've got my morals in tact enough to not curse someone out for stressing me out a bit. The team that worked with me as well as myself really pulled together and in the end, my department is looking a lot better; I'm starting to find my own and really take control over my area. It's about time.

A lady whom I made an impact with visited me twice this week. God bless her and her wonderful smile. She's lifted me up and proven to me that being kind is the best gift you can provide to anyone. She was having a terrible day and I happened to be shopping at the other store that we both work at; I was goofy, bubbly, and very endearing that day and felt that I should cheer her up. So, I did.

I never thought that I would be able to impact her life and to bring her to smiles again. It's changes like that which make me understand my true value and how much of an amazing person I really am. Anyone who denies it or decides to overlook it is clearly not someone I need to share my dreams with.

On a side note however, I'm not holding any ill will against anyone anymore; I'm not thinking about the horrible situations I've dealt with. I'm not crying or dwelling over some guy that couldn't appreciate my value; I'm not even talking about those things anymore because I am loving me; my life; and what I have in store for myself. There are so many goals I've got set lately and I'm super excited to jump into them and really evoke the things I want out of life.

People, I'm telling you, love comes in so many different forms. You don't need that guy or girl that can't accept you for who you are. You don't need to put up with less than amazing people because YOU are amazing. YOU have the power and control to stamp your life with approval through yourself. YOU are a purposeful and prosperous spirit; keep going and you will achieve so many great things that you will forget all about those errors and downfalls you went through in your past.

When you wake up and realize that you can forgive someone without wanting to punch them in the face; you've learned how to handle the situation that which you dealt. Life isn't about playing high school or popularity contests and if someone treats you this way; they need to evaluate themselves and be gone.

You are validated. You don't need drama or rude shady people around you to make you understand it. You just have to let go and say 'I'm done putting up with this' and carry onto the next level.

Remember, love and lust are two different things. Loving everyone is nice but sharing yourself is not love; it's self deprecation through blindness and low esteem. The day you realize you can do better; you won't have to share your body to feel anymore. You will feel strong and confident just from smiling and realizing that your body is just that... a body... and if a person values your body and not the wonderful spirit that resides in you; keep stepping love. So many amazing things can conquer over those troubles and you will realize it when you least expect it.

Life is always full of wonderful surprises, so go chase after your happiness, love strongly and be the BEST you that you can be with everyone you know and meet in life. You never know what kind of amazing impact you have on someone just by being true to yourself and being kind.

August 18, 2014

Double Standards & You

Pay attention; enemies copy you so they can try to validate others on false ideas in order to feel better about themselves. They know you have a purpose and gift that no one can make. You're a rare gem; and they're just a lump of coal wishing. They're dirty, cheap, cruel, and sneaky as hell; so always be on the run because life waits for no one. Wake up; your happiness is calling.

When it comes to myself and this person who apparently plays roles and wants to be an actor using my life and my struggles; you are nothing like me; and people will see that every time you try it. So I'll sit back and laugh hysterically as your lies become the very definition as to why no one will trust; nor believe you and anything that you say. If they do, they're lost, and they are cowardly of the least.

You can't imitate class, because you have no morals to begin with.

I'm a rare breed and only so few will ever experience the gifts that I can offer. Only so few can sit with me inside of my temple of luxury, love, class, honesty, and loyalty. There is no one who can match to the truth I bring and whether bad or good; I always make an impact in everyone's life somewhere. Whether they can admit to it or not.

So, keep spreading a false idea that you are this amazing, artistic, musical person but at the end of the day; the true you will come out whether you want it to or not.

Water

Put your heart on your sleeve
Inviting wrong company

Taking stabs at your smiles
Pain never worth while

You begin again
You rely on then

Close my eyes to breathe
Cast my dreams from me

Taking words in like water
Truth never revealed

You begin again
You find sin

You pretend again
Rely on no friend

You seek the end
Inviting wrong company

Taking stabs
Their lowest of themselves

You begin again
You rely on then

You pretend again
Forget and live

August 11, 2014

Tired, I am

So last night was a relatively good night for me but the inclusion of a major toss and turn drama ensued and my body said 'hell no' to sleep mode.

I don't look forward to the busy and stressful day that lies ahead for me at work today. Coffee can only do so much and I fear that even my dietary supplement which has enough caffeine to supplement my coffee; just won't do.

Ah, the joyful life of your body fighting precious sleep. How did they do it in the olden days? How did they manage things like this?

If only I could time travel. I'd be back at 8pm and forcefully entering a calm sleep. Melatonin; not needed of course.

Perhaps I just need to stop thinking so much. This brain is constantly thinking about everything. Sometimes, I'd love to turn it off and just relax in tranquil peace and be distant from the universe.

Only then, would this body take on the gift of sleeping. To those who have master such a trial; what must one do to get a little sleep these days?

Is this an indication that I probably need to get laid? Should I be sleeping with the blinds open? Is there a mystical power that someone has that will magically make me fully rested without sleeping?

I call of you; oh wonderful sleep giver. Make me a sleepy dream kid. Pretty please with blindfolds on top?


August 10, 2014

Everyone suffers the same


What you see, is not necessarily what you get

Cycle

You don't care
Nobody cares

You look through dark
For somebody to be there

That's why life is so hard
Cause nothings what it seems

We are all dangerous
In this pitiless game

You give and break
You lie and take

What good is this place?
Where are you today?

It only gets worse
The older that you get

We're all victims in cycles
Playing pretend

It hurts and bleeds inside
Nothing can fix the pain

This heart is useless
I'll throw it away

You don't care
Nobody cares

You look through dark
For somebody to be there

Where are they now?
You're all alone

Nobody cares

As originally posted by Adrianna Mortiary: Pain

Pain, it comes in two forms

Physical pain and emotional pain.

As a child I would get a cut or hurt myself and think that the world was going to end. But, my mother and father would always somehow know how to make it better.

As I grew older I ran into the emotional side of pain...

The pain of rejection...
The pain of heartbreak...
The pain of losing someone...
and the pain of loneliness...


These types of pain are pains that I couldn't describe. I couldn't just put a band-aid over it or go to a doctor to be cured. I had to just deal with them. I had to bare the nights crying myself to sleep, or put on a smile even though I was dying on the inside.

This is nothing more than an opinion, but deep down I think that emotional pain hurts so much more than physical pain.
I know getting shot by a gun or stabbed is awfully painful, but when you are truly hurt by someone you care about, whether it's family, friends, or a lover, it seems like that is the pain that hurts the most. It leaves you feeling this emptiness inside like your soul is starving or like your heart is being ripped out. 
It sucks even more when you are the type of person that wears your heart on your sleeve or simply cares too much. You just want love, even though you know that the world won't love you the same.
People always say, I love you... But, sometimes I wonder if they really know what it means. To me, Love is unconditional, meaning: There are no conditions on love, period.
If a person makes a mistake...no matter how big or small...and are sincere in their apology...How couldn't you forgive them if you truly loved them? Who said that love was just holding hands, kissing, and all the lovey dovey stuff?

Love is war, and it takes strong people to be on that battlefield. Warriors, it be exact. You are going to get bruised up, hurt, and maybe even cry...but at the end of it all...The victory in love is the most satisfying feeling in the world.
Love really does heal all wounds. It's just to bad...not too many people have love in their hearts.

Courtesy of Adrianna Mortiary

In the end

Forgiveness is key

I can't hold grudges forever

Doesn't mean I am accepting what was done

I'm just man enough to let it go and move on

August 9, 2014

August 7, 2014

Love Is A Flame

I'm not your toy
My mind is shifting

I'm not your girl
My self respect is swiftly

You thought that I would stay mad
You thought that I would care again

I'm not the person I once was
Building this heart up
I'm forgetting all that I seen
It's better than your so-called love and liberty
I'm not an angel or a ghost
Building up my only hope
I'm letting everything fall down
It's better than losing my dreams
Your so-called love and liberty

I'm not your confusion
My body is a temple

I'm not your abuse
Don't ever try to relate

You thought that I would be crying
You thought that I would still be trying

I'm not the person I once was
Building this heart up
I'm forgetting all that I seen
It's better than your so-called love and liberty
I'm not an angel or a ghost
Building up my only hope
I'm letting everything fall down
It's better than losing my dreams
Your so-called love and liberty

You thought that I would be standing here; waiting
You thought that I would let it all go unseen; fading

I'm not your door mat
Don't try to handle it

I'm not a sexual slave
Don't try to deceive yourself

I'm not the person I once was
Building this heart up
I'm forgetting all that I seen
It's better than your so-called love and liberty
I'm not an angel or a ghost
Building up my only hope
I'm letting everything fall down
It's better than losing my dreams
Your so-called love and liberty

I'm not your little toy
Don't play with me

I'm a simple face
Come stay with me

November Comes

Tonight, I spoke with a close friend of someone whom was a major influence in my Cr-48 days back in 2010-2011 when I was working with Google on a major project that later became what you all know now as Google Chromebooks.

AC Monroe (who in short is simply the most amazing guy I've met in the program) had left for quite some time due to personal litigations and so forth back home. It's with great excitement that I am posting this blog to let all of you who know him and took part in countless fun hangouts and spent hours testing Google+ when it was still in Beta - He's coming home in November this year!

AC Monroe is a very kind hearted guy who really looked at life with such a peaceful approach. He's one of the few that if you had a question about Chromebooks, or anything in our group that was Google related or partly due to the current times then when we all were test pilots for the Cr-48 prototype devices; he would lend a helping hand or point you to someone who could. He was quite the dedicated guy and he always knew how to make you smile and laugh.

It would be a lie if I said I didn't have a connection to him; we all did. Lea, Brian, Brian L., John, Michael, Laura, and all the countless others that were part of our wonderful hangout crew; we shared something immensely special that even now; cannot compare to the relationships I've had outside of Google+

For those who haven't written to him (as I am guilty of) due to or mostly in part of not having the correct address - Fear no more because I've gained access to it and was given permission to share it with those who want to write to him before his arrival home in November.

If you would like this said information; please contact me via Hangouts and we can take it from there!

This is the best news I've had lately, I am beyond ecstatic about seeing my lovely gorgeous friend finally make it home. Oh, how I have missed you AC!

XOXO

Typical Guys Be Like


I miss you...

When a man says he misses you after 3 months of no communication and originally started off in a sexual conversation when he first met you.

He starts the conversation with remarks regarding romantic gestures such as cuddling or holding you in his arms and leads you on a belief that you are more important to him than you originally were.

He doesn't miss you; he misses your body. You are not at all important to him because if you were, he would've known what he wanted to start with and would've respected you at the get go.

Don't let him win over on you. You deserve much more and you are worth so much more than he can clearly understand or see.

Love ain't got anything to do with it baby - know your worth and keep on respecting yourself! :)

I Declare


Open Eyes

For even in these, the important will become past tense
For the one that love most will recover fastest
The one that is without care shall peril in unjust thought
For the negative shall descend unto the caves of death
For even in these, the lonely shall be filled their void

Someday Love

When all you want is love
When all you think about is his lips


The love he feels for you at last
The pain has lost itself within
What will I think when I see him?
Will we always laugh?
What will he look like?
Will I ever forget the past?

Falling in love
Certain that love is still
Falling in love
I know he is on the way


So take my heart
Lead me to light
Take my heart baby
I'm yours tonight
You make me feel so alive
Forever, by my side

August 6, 2014

Divided

I cared too much back then
Words aren't my only friend

You try to tear me down
Make me feel worthless now

There's a ghost turning inside of me
Telling me secrets and stories I need
I'm seeing, the truth here
I don't need those people that instill tears

Run away, look so far ahead
I'll figure it out
You just wanted what I had
I gave away
Too much, so soon
I'll breathe again, I'm over you

Used to be two of us
Now it's only one
I'm alright, I'm still on the run
That's how I've always lived
Never looking back
Never feeling again
I'll be above it
If I ever let you back in
Make you know how I felt
So that you may live
Make you feel all the pain

I've been one for making the same patterns
I'll remember the good in life when I'm gone
Chaotic inside of this hell
I know what I can see, what I know

Used to be two of us
Now it's only one
I'm alright, I'm still on the run
That's how I've always lived
Never looking back
Never feeling again
I'll be above it
If I ever let you back in
Make you know how I felt
So that you may live
Make you feel all the pain

Close my eyes, all I picture
The hurt of what you've done
It's so messed up that I'm still wondering
Still wondering if I'll get down

I won't turn around
I won't return to this place
I can't remember the sound
I don't need to know your face

How could I look at you anyway?
Cheap thrills and giving yourself away
It never meant a thing to you

Used to be two of us
Now it's only one
I'm alright, I'm still on the run
That's how I've always lived
Never looking back
Never feeling again
I'll be above it
If I ever let you back in
Make you know how I felt
So that you may live
Make you feel all the pain

Make you feel the pain you threw at me



Start over



Romans 8:18 - "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

As a representation of my aura - Pink is used to show my light which resides in me - You can't kill it :)

August 5, 2014

Crossing boundaries (Matthew)

It's no secret that I've been dealt a bad hand a lot in my life. Often times, situations become chaotic and I; like the spirit deer that I am; run as fast as I can to the nearest silent place.

Recently, a couple people who had betrayed me, belittled me, used me, and lied in my name, decided that showing up at my workplace was a justifiable measure to getting my attention. It didn't work. If you show up again, I can have you banned and escorted personally from the store and the law can and will get involved if necessary.

First of all, I work for the company that I do because I am there to WORK. Telling a random manager about all of your business is not a sane move. You; are the most ratchet and vilest human being that has ever walked the face of this Earth and I'm so repulsed by you and the people that are involved with your foolish ways; that it is likely possible that the law will become involved considering your track record.

I don't have time or any desire whatsoever to repair, give, or develop ANYTHING with you or the people that work alongside your shady circle. When I've made up my mind, I'm 100% clear and justified in my decision and if I say that I never want to speak to you again and I don't want you to contact me ever again; I genuinely mean it. I don't play cat and mouse. I don't do high school pettiness.

You can take all that I have around me, but you will NEVER take my light. The reason you are always trying to harm me and destroy the good in my life is because you aren't able to find it in your own life. You can't gain good things in your life because you are not willing to ACTUALLY change yourself for the better and you lack full commitment to giving up the things that make you such a horrible person.

It's pretty sad that some people have decided that losing their morals was a great investment and they lost 3 people because of you. Not, one. 3 people. I wondered for a long time how you were able to sleep at night knowing how terrible you are to people. I find it sad that you are still in denial after all these years when it comes to the fact that NO ONE REALLY LIKES YOU. NO ONE.

Jealousy is a thief and I know that you are a jealous one because if you weren't; you wouldn't snatch every boyfriend I get, or sleep with every person on the planet. That's seriously disgusting. YOU ARE SERIOUSLY DEMENTED and people that buy into you are clearly not smart enough to realize their worth. Self-esteem issues much??

So the reason people have come and gone isn't because they need a break. It's not because they are sickly or feel like they need to get away.

It's because they don't want to put up with YOU, or any of the correlating drama that ensues in your pathetic, less than, life. For crying out loud, you can't even afford your electricity. That's pretty sad but what's worse is you won't do anything about it. I'm certain that you're either resorting to tricking again, or lunging money off of people because you can't handle the harsh reality of your drama. TAKE CHARGE OF YOURSELF & YOUR LIFE.

I'm not an idiot either. I know that you read my blog because my stats keep me updated on who is visiting my page. If I hate you, I don't want to be around you, and I refuse to give into your masochistic nonsense; what makes you think that I will ever do so based on you trying to input yourself where you don't belong?

So please, for the sake of humanity. LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE WHEN THEY WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. You can't always get what you want and you WON'T get your way with me. I can guarantee that until the day I'm gone.

August 4, 2014

Who I Am

I've seen faces come and go
I've been a victim, in my own show

Wishful of the world to accept me in
Never knowing I was better than it

Got pushed down on the playground
Felt the ease of blood

Words are like bullets to the head
You never know where they're from

I held on
I am still holding on

I won't let go
I won't let go
Of who I am

Do you love me as me?
I'll say a prayer, my mind is empty
I'm not scared of the places I've been
Do you love me as I really am?

Oh God, please tell me how to breathe
I couldn't find the key

Make it worth the struggle that I've seen
Everyone feels hollow and in between

Do you love me as me?
I'll say a prayer, my mind is empty
I'm not scared of the places I've been
Do you love me as I really am?

I won't let go
I won't let go
Of who I am

I will grow older, slightly colder
Wondering ever so

Youthful pretending
Mindful unknown

I am a value
Take over my soul

Oh God, take over me

Take over me
So I won't let go
Of who I am

Oh God, take over me

So I won't let go
Of who I am

This is who I am

The Great Lie

I guess, I think
I'm missing you

I know, I'm certain
I'm wishing for you

You've beaten me down
Stolen every piece of my heart
Used me for what you needed
Then I stood their falling apart

I bet you're smiling so much right now
Does the taste invite you to keep going down?
Tell me, do you feel like a man?

Was the sex you got really worth it?
(Was it worth it, was it worth it?)
Was leaving your friends behind part of the plan?
(Was it worth it, was it worth it?)
Was never loving me just something that you did?
(Was it worth it, was it worth it?)
Were you ever really a man?

I don't think you are

When you kiss those gutter lips, how do you feel?
When you're pressed up against the wall, do you feel real?
Empty and void, are you just settling for toys?
All I've ever seen is you act like a little boy
Being ruthless, never accepted
I get it, I get it

Was it worth it? (X4)

Was the sex you got really worth it?
(Was it worth it, was it worth it?)
Was leaving your friends behind part of the plan?
(Was it worth it, was it worth it?)
Was never loving me just something that you did?
(Was it worth it, was it worth it?)
Were you ever really a man?

I don't think you are

I'll go down in history
Being one of the few
The witness of your lies
The great betrayal you hide

I bet you don't even think about any of us
You know the ones that were there before the lust

Take all the pills and drinks to feel alive
Smoke away the feeling you held inside

Was it worth it? (X4)
(Were you ever, were you ever)

Were you ever really a man?
I don't think you are




Abandon Ship

Get back what you lost
Turning pages to clear your head
Boys are all the same
All of you are dead


I don't want to remember
The touch of your lips
I feel so dirty
When I think of this

Why you have to go and be invisible?
Looking for trouble, when you had it all
You could've had me at hello

But I'm no fool

Give up yourself for a moment of satisfactions
Was it worth the things you've lost?
The bridge is collapsing, and you're the cause

I don't want to remember
The words you would never say
I feel so stupid
When I think of this

Why you have to go and be invisible?
Looking for trouble, when you had it all
You could've had me at hello

But I'm no fool

You can't take back what you did
Losing all of your innocence
Boys are all the same
One track playing instead of infinity

But I'm no fool; for you

Why you have to go and be invisible?
Looking for trouble, when you had it all
You could've had me at hello

But I'm no fool

Breaking all your moral code
Just to find a piece of redemption in yourself
Was it worth the things you've lost?
Am I worth anything at all?

I'm no fool

Eagle In The Sky

Time has come
Time has passed

The wounds you felt
They won't last

Whatever they do
Comes back after you

Whatever they say
Keep walking away

Love is a danger
You are a stranger
I feel like you've died
Picking up pieces
Of this heart you tried
There is no reason
I'll let go tonight

You thought you were different
Only the wicked win
So I pick up the pieces
Wishing I never let you in

Cloudy upon these hours
Distance is my best friend
What would I have to say
If you came back again?

Love is a danger
You are a stranger
I feel like you've died
Picking up pieces
Of this heart you tried
There is no reason
I'll let go tonight

You were blind to your pain
The way you pushed me down
Sudden but slow in your faith
Nothing is golden now

You won't get what you're looking for
You won't find any peace

The devils got your heart now
So I just throw away this key

Love is a danger
You are a stranger
I feel like you've died
Picking up pieces
Of this heart you tried
There is no reason
I'll let go tonight

When I was a child
I thought love was worthwhile

Only lies prevent us
Only skies sink low

Something is over me
I'm starting to let go

I'll keep letting go

August 3, 2014

Careless Heart

I'll keep running away
Burning bridges that you had made
I'll keep running away
Forgetting what you had to say
Forgiving myself for accepting pain
I won't look the same
Careless heart

Littlest, You Are

If I had a chance to say to you
The things that fell between us
The lies, the jokes of my regret

Putting all my heart to the test
I know now what I needed then
It's time for me to reach myself
Forever forgetting this hell

You are not good
Keep believing it
You will surely fail

So you throw away your morals for cheap feeling
Hurt those that cared oh so much
You've lost what you didn't ever gain
You're the cause of your own game

I'll keep running away

Looking forward, to find my heaven
I don't deserve the things you did
I'm better than you
I'm better than you could ever give

Cause I will live
Defy the steps that took me down
I will breathe, cause I know who I am now

You never knew yourself
Always burning what went well
You don't care about anyone but yourself
Always turning into your hell

I will keep running away
Finding myself on oceans and pavements
You can handle me, you can't risk yourself

What would it be, if I let you down?
I bet you'd never hear me out