Language?

February 2, 2014

On dating a Vanderbilt

It's odd in a way to be able to note that I dated a Vanderbilt. People hear that name and think "wow, you dated royalty" or "damn, you really got a keeper didn't you?" and I only wonder, what did it all mean?

I saw you as the guy I met some years ago. The guy next door with an incredible personality, beautiful looks, and intelligence that even my school teachers would of been in awe of. You were more than just some clever name. You were a man I couldn't resist but to always think about.

See, your love, Mr. Vanderbilt, was a love I had never experienced in my life before I had met you. Our relationship was so surreal to me because I felt like I didn't deserve what you gave me. You were such a classy, elegant, and charming gentleman towards me. You felt no need for judgements or bad language and you always had the sweetest things to say, even when I wanted to be the bitchy one and turn it away.

I look back on how we met and wonder if it would of been different had I taken a different direction. What would I have been like today without you having been a part of my life? Would I still be bitter and dazed by anger?

I remember posting a bulletin one day and your friend Tom replied back to me and was trying to clarify the situation I was discussing at the time. I was such a bitter little kid then. I felt like the world was out to destroy my hopes and dreams, I felt like I needed to be tough to survive.

After having cussed him out because I didn't understand European culture or the literature in nature that was being used in our conversation; I noticed a comment from a very handsome and strikingly charming fellow landing on my profile page. The words echoed of sweet surrenders and humorous collective. It was that moment you made me smile a little but it didn't start there.

It wasn't until the day that we decided to have a phone call together; that I truly started to fall in love with you. Your voice was soft, charismatic, and provided the ambiance to tame my wild attitude at the time. You were the prince in my forest of many obstacles during that moment.

Over the course of many many months, we would develop a love that I never experienced before; a true love that I never thought existed. Never in a million years did I imagine such a gorgeous and lovely man as yourself would of picked such an average and blunt person such as myself. You shocked me because at the time, I couldn't see why you fell in love with me. I couldn't understand why you wanted me around so much.

All I know is that once my heart started sputtering and my smiles could no longer hide themselves, I felt my walls crashing down and my happiness turned into a euphoric high of pure peace and tranquility. You brought out the joy in me that I was hateful of for so long. I was a dark and sad little kid then, and then all of the sudden, I was a radiantly glowing kid with a world full of smiles and ambitions to become even better than you saw me as.

I remember times when I would talk down about myself, about how I look, and all you would do is reassure me that I was gorgeous in my own right. That was the moment I would learn that maybe I need to step back and look at myself a little more delicately. Though I never was able to fully believe it because I was afraid of it.

Financially, my family and I were terribly off at the time we met, and though I really didn't like it, you helped us in times of need. I still remember doing stupid and naive things because of it and for that, I deeply apologize in the highest of form. You were always the generous one, the guy that would even be willing to give a homeless man something to eat and a few bucks to spare him for the night. That was something I really admired in you but I never really told you that because I never thought about those kind deeds you were known for doing.

You are full of life, fun, and you always tried to look at things with a positive measure; even if it wasn't exactly what you felt at the time, you at least tried and I couldn't have been more thankful for that.

The truth is however, I felt like I didn't deserve someone like you. You were successful, smart, undeniably gorgeous, you had a lot of morals, and you held onto your inner child as well which I really enjoyed. Regardless of everyone else, I always found your cute corny jokes to be adorable. I always found you to be quite the catch without any effort really. You just had this amazing side to you that I never could fully grasp. You were the all around dream to me. 

I felt like I wasn't ready for that because I honestly wasn't stable. I didn't have a job then, I didn't have my own place, nor was I willing to commit to doing something about it because for the longest time, I was scared of it. I'm thankful that you pushed me time and time and time again to go after those things because eventually; I did. 

I have a job now, almost 2 years now since I started and I have you and my family to thank for helping instill it in me that I need to do something about it. I'm finally back in school and I'm doing pretty good so far, my average is at 91 right now and I'm working on getting back in shape again through the use of the gym I go to now. All things that are stemmed from times with you. 

Though, the gym part was mostly because it's down the road and I wanted to be productive outside of work too. I'm far more productive than I ever have been.

I know now, we no longer speak or at least not very often and I know that things have been conflicting between us (mostly because of my stubborn nature and my feisty attitudes from time to time) but you were always one for looking at things in multiple views rather than just one and I always respected that. I always wanted to be more like you in some ways.

I wanted to be more steadfast and determined like you; something you have always proven to be a great quality in you. Though I was the one to break the cussing barrier you had because you now will say anything because of me; a thing that I somewhat wish I hadn't done because I miss the completely etiquette side of you; I know that he's still there and that even now, you're quite a wonderful guy.

It makes me happy to see that you're with someone else who can really be there and truly provide you with the things that I couldn't back then. I wasn't ready for 'us'... I wasn't ready for the idea of what we tried so hard to make happen back then. Val is an amazing guy and he's been nothing but well respected, very well mannered, and full of kind regards since I've spoken to him.

I feel like things happen for a reason and I feel like the reason it didn't work out between you and I is because you were meant to find him again. I don't regret that, I don't regret having encouraged you two to rekindle things from your past before either.

I'm thankful that I did it because in those moments that I see the love you two share; it helps me realize that I am beautiful for many reasons; one of which; my matchmaking skills. If I was to ever do a fun hobby job, I think it would be to match people together so that they could find their true loves.

I think I could be on to something; don't you think?