In my short life, I've fallen in love in as little as 5 times, two of which don't count because they were so short term that if it had been a series on HBO; it would of likely never caught on but I digress.
Tonight, my good friend Brock got me on a gay-themed movie on Netflix entitled "Getting Go: The Go Doc Project" and for some reason; I felt a lot of emotional distance after watching it. The guy didn't get his love story he was looking for; though he found himself a bit which is still relatively a nice catch.
I can't help feeling that the older I get, the more bitter I'm becoming. I hate feeling any kind of pain, whether it's emotional, or otherwise. I hate being reminded of what I never accomplished. I hate knowing I wasn't successful in my attempt at finding what I see in other walks of life around me.
Films like this have always been touchy for me because it always takes me back to times that I've wanted to forget; the pain, the knowledge of knowing it can't possibly go my way when I want it to; it all has caved on me when I see it on screen before my naked eyes.
While this 'doc' style film was a nice addition to have on Netflix for most people; it was all too formative, a reminder of what once was and what has yet to be.
I fell in love with a guy similar to 'Go' awhile back and it was a bit of a strange episode because he wasn't even into men per say; but rather sex when a girl wasn't around. I don't know why I felt this emotion towards him and it still has me confused when I think about it. I don't like feeling confused.
I like precise planning, intelligent operations to stand by, and a keen sense of determination to keep me going. When I met him, I hadn't met someone before that shared my interests so deeply. He drew artistic pieces, wrote poems and songs, and created music. All things that I had hungrily strived to find for so long before him. Yet, when it was all gone, and he threw it away for cheap nights with an enemy and some hefty needles to keep his flight; I was crying, humiliated, and feeling abused.
My point is that though I may appear like I've moved on, I don't always do a good job at keeping up that lie. I'd be a liar if I said that I don't still love the people I had given my heart to in my past. I will always hold something close with them because I gave you that piece of my heart with good reason.
I don't like reminders of what I wanted because I know that deep down; my time hasn't come yet to get it. I know that my time hasn't come to find the love that I so deeply wish for.
The problem isn't love itself. The problem is the people that can't accept it. If a man is in love with you; willing to give up everything for you; and even willing to change a part himself because he feels that your love conquers all; then by all means, give him a piece of your heart. Love isn't complicated. People are.