It doesn't make me a bad person; I'm protecting myself. I've been put through so many situations that were beyond what I ever expected. I've said yes when I shouldn't have and wanted to say no. I've said no when I really wanted to say yes. The vicious cycle of dating, falling in love, falling out of love, giving up, re-loving people I once hated, and so forth... it gets exhausting.
Lately, I've been checking out the delicious beauty that walks around and all I can think about is moving somewhere with more substance. No, not drugs or parties or hot men that sleep with every single person they meet. I literally mean; pack my bags, relocate my career elsewhere, and start over with a new life, a new purpose, and opening my heart to someone who will appreciate it.
I see so many faces everyday and so many of them look tired, sad, confused, or entitled. What happened to the people that were confident, knew what they wanted, driven, loving, kind, and above all; clear in their ways. Are we so modern today that we have to have things right away, we have to sleep around to feel connected to a person, we have to betray people we care about most because we can't accept who we really are... it's all so uneasy and tiresome
I'm turning pages in my book of life these days, I see a happy guy, dreams being mended, love being stronger, and a nice little vinyl collection that comes complete with a beautiful geeky guy that has the world's cutest British accent.
It's sad however, there is this really sweet, romantic guy that's been speaking to me lately and it's hardly been a subject of affection with me. I mean, I feel like this guy is great and he's definitely someone I admire but, I feel like this is moving a bit fast for me. I'm not sure I feel ready to take on the duty of 'boyfriend' with someone. Maybe I'm just coping out because I'm afraid. I do however feel like I've found someone I can really connect with. Too bad he lives so far away.
My point is, I've got to let go of that place inside me that's been trying to stick around lately. I've got to forgive people; let them be the total assholes that they are; but realize that I'm going to be stronger. I'm not dying but I feel like love has been dead for a long time. It was only until recently when I shockingly discovered that I still had emotions.
So, to the asshole that broke me; thanks dude. I guess you were good for something after all. I still don't give a shit about you but at least now, I don't feel like cutting your dick off; which I legit felt would of been hilarious honestly; I've got a messed up mind underneath it all.
I'm weird; I'm crazy but you can never call me baby.
Either way, I'm getting somewhere lately... I can feel it in the air... the season is changing soon and I feel like my time is coming to let go of things and move on for good... I feel the angels surrounding me with their warmth... I can feel something is about to happen... and it's going to keep me happy for a very very long time... it's only a matter as to what... what is it going to be? a guy? a relationship? a new life in a new state? I'm open to you great spirit; give me all of my hopes and dreams