I know what I want; do you?

I got off the phone this evening and a close conversation started. Apparently, more fuel has been added to this cycle of vengeance and 'getting back' at people goal.

You've stolen someone I put first in my life, you've talked crap about me and my best friend, you've lied to countless people and continue to do so, and you thought that doing something as ratchet and dirty as coming to my workplace and discussing my personal life with a manager I work with would break me.

I'm still here. I'm still strong.

Apparently, a recent event occurred where someone I had to let go of has popped into the wrong circle of people's lives again. That's great for you; I'm sure you're discussing all the little things you want to do to 'get back' at me for someone YOU created. YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF YOUR ISSUES. I'm just saying.

Still, I digress. I honestly don't think about any of you. I don't care about you like that because I don't put people first that treat me like crap and have no morals or respect for themselves. I can't afford to have someone less intelligent in my life. I'm above it.

So, it's cool that this vicious cycle of bad plots and drug infused banter is keeping you guys company. I'm enjoying a real life without the need for stupid addictions. Unlike your addictions and so forth; I know how to face my issues. I know how to learn from my mistakes; how is that so hard for you?

Also, I don't care about what I had with you either. None of that matters now. It never should have, had I known how horrible you people would turn out to be. I've got a kind heart and you took that for granted for so long. You tried to turn me into a horrible unlovable person just like yourself. I'm so not there.

God carries purpose in our lives. He exits people that are no longer needed in our stories. You've been exited for a reason because God knows I don't need your drama. He knows that I'm above that and that his plans are much more than what you could ever accomplish.

I don't have to sleep with someone for them to love me. I don't even have to speak their name. If you really feel something for someone, you do whatever it takes to make them notice and make them a part of your life. God decided that you were playing me so badly, lying, and going back on your word, that you needed to be exited from my life. I'm thankful everyday now because of that. I'm better off than I ever was around you. I don't need you. I never did.

So keep thinking you save the world by mending relationships and so on but honestly dude, no one is going to truly do what you want them to in this life because at the end of the day; people do what THEY want to do. You can't force change. You can't make people good. Only THEY can do that for themselves.

While I went through my phases of moving forward, I discovered that hearing your name has no effect on me now. I'm neither angry, nor smiling like a school kid over it. It literally has no value and I'm thankful that you created this outlook for me on you. I realize that I'm worth more than you could ever afford. Whether it's friendship or otherwise. I'm a luxury that you can't have. Aside from this post, I rarely even bother speaking of you because you hold no importance in my life.

Funny, I swear at one point, we both had this weird importance thing down but it's far gone now. I guess when you sleep with someone that you lied and said you never would sleep with; it just has this lasting effect of 'hell no' imprinted in your mind. Regardless though, I hope losing your morals and your dignity has served you well love. I hope that every time you stick your dick in someone; you're reminded of what a crappy person you are.

I'm pretty certain that nothing is important to you. You have no heart. This is why God took you out of my life. This is the result of me not caring about stupid behavior.

On a side note though, I feel bad for you in one context, I know that you have your mental issues and so forth and I get that it's taken a lot from you but at the end of the day; YOU consciously make the decision. YOU have the power to change your outlook and your outcome. So STOP using your mental issues as an excuse for being shady. YOU decided to be shady on your own terms. Own up to it because you are definitely not always right and unlike others; I wouldn't fall for it again; if by miraculous chance we ever sat down and had a conversation or whatever again.

Still, I feel like you're just this lost little boy still. I feel like someone really really did you wrong and you're repeating that behavior with everyone else. Sometimes, you've got to look in the mirror and realize what you're doing to people and learn how to better yourself from it. I hope someday, somehow, you will find that lesson and apply it when and where it needs to be applied.

Yeah, it hurt me a bit that you lead me on, played on my emotions, and slept with my worst enemy after you LIED and said that you wouldn't. You didn't just break me, you upset my best friend too. So, carrying the idea that it was just me you affected is foolish because you messed with two peoples emotions.

Still, I'm not angry at you any more, I feel like I pity you a bit. I guess it comes with the process but just because I'm not angry with you doesn't mean that I like you either. I don't hate you though. You had a positive effect in my life in some areas; but the negative effects outweigh the positives and it's clear now that I never should of invested myself in you. You never invested in me and it was a pointless cause anyhow.

The flaw that I took from was that you can't love. You can't love yourself and you can't love somebody else. It's not okay to toy with people's emotions though. It's not okay to play "I want you" one minute and then "I don't want you" the next minute. Doing things like that are why people keep their distance and forget all about you. This is why you're still single. You can't love. You're incapable of something strong like that.

I mean, honestly, I was only important to you when YOU were drunk or high as hell on something. That's no way to be and if that's the only time you care; I don't want any part of it because I'm worth more than that you are just tagging along for the ride baby.

Even though I may not agree with your ways, and I may find you impressively stupid sometimes, I still think that you have a chance if you try. YOU are the author of your own life story. The point of the matter is; I missed you for awhile and while I'm getting in this new transition of not missing you or your hurtful behavior against me; I'm finding out what independence really means.

I can talk of how horrible you were and how bad of a guy you are but I still feel like we connected at some level. It may not be good between us now; because you want to keep negativity in your life; but at least I can remember the good times we did have before. A solid reminder that people make mistakes; but never give your heart to someone who can't accept and nurture it back to love.

I know that deep down, you'd always sway at the sight of some pretty girl with big boobs and a fabulous smile and that's you but I know what I want and I need a man that knows what he wants around me versus someone who can't make up his mind on what makes him happiest. I don't envy anyone. I don't care unless I need to care. This is just who I am these days.

I'm direct about what I expect and what you can expect from me. All you have to do is just ask. So to all of the others out there that might pop into my life; be prepared; you will have A LOT of proving and explaining to do before I allow you to become of any importance in my mind, my heart, and my life.

You have to fight for your right to love somebody. You have to take charge in your own life before you can help someone else take charge in theirs.

Remember that kiddo.

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