Some life choices are harder than others but this one seems like one I need to do soon enough when I'm able to. I need to part ways from this town. I've learned that you only have yourself in life and sometimes; it's better to enjoy that in a new environment than one filled with bad memories and people that are carelessly using you for their advantages.
I want more than what I am getting out of people and maybe my expectations are simply too high but I am worth it and it saddens me that I even have to compromise myself to fit into these lies that are thrown at me.
I've had so many offers to get away from here but I turned them down because I thought that you mattered in some way but you've always used me for your wants and needs and then shut me out when it wasn't convenient for you. You play cat and mouse with people around me (for what reason I never understood because I get who I want; and if not; they aren't impressive enough anyway)
You've caused stress, drama, lied, played me countless times (and I always forgave you) and you don't want me to meet your friends because you say that I wouldn't fit in with them but the truth is; you're afraid they would take a liking to me. You're afraid of being alone again. I get it and I'm over it.
I've battled this feeling for almost 7 years now and it's time to let go of this. It's time for me to focus on being happy with my own life because you surely don't have a desire to be in it nor include me in your own because of whatever selfish reasons you have. Your boy toys aren't impressive by the way; I know for me personally, I deserve better than those and I know I can find great ones that would trump anything they do. I'm just throwing it out there little miss sunshine.
What I'm getting at is soon enough; I'm going to write up a list of things I want to do. Where I want to go, people I want to meet, places I want to see. I need to provide myself with more excitement in life because you (as a friend... funny term for someone who is never around) aren't doing a good job of that and frankly; you're not an exciting person to me anymore; but I'll let that sink in for awhile so you can comprehend it; considering you've smoked all your brain cells over the years more than likely.
It's okay if you're mad or you hate me with a passion now because I'm not missing you or your drama. I've hid myself behind this wall because I felt like I needed to but all this time; all I needed to do was get out of your twisted game of fucking me up so I can be shit just like you are. I'm my own person darling and contrary to what you may be offered; I have more to offer than what you've seen and I will never accept your idea of friendship as valid because friends don't hurt their friends. They don't ignore them either and if that's your way of showing you care; I'll return the favor as equally as possible but I won't stop if you do.
On the subject of men, I like to think I'm a great person that people won't know about because like other selfish souls; they neglect the core ingredient in getting to know people; communication. If you want my love; you have to earn it. It never comes easily. I will never give it away either and I don't settle. I don't need to.
You brag about how many guys you've rattled and who you've rattled like it's some accomplishment but the truth is; it's not something you should brag of. It makes you look trashy and pathetic. It's sad that your life has become so empty to only include things of this nature rather than you actually going out into the world and making yourself worth something.
I guess when it comes to these guys; they are content with disrespecting you because you are content with it. You accept what they give you because it's all you have. It's all you feel now. You feel nothing. I can see it in your eyes when we've talked.
Maybe I am crazy secretly; and you just want to pretend I'm like you and such but I'm not. I never have been. I've only witnessed your idea of what you thought we shared in common but it's nothing worth mentioning.
I've felt for years now that I needed to erase you from my life; to separate myself from you because you felt so strong on bending me and molding me into this 'thing' that you are. I don't want to be like you. I don't want to be you. I never have. I never will.
The truth is; I'm too good for you. I'm a lot better than what you've tried to paint me to your little group of friends that I am sure would never understand me if they tried. I don't care though because I have my own motive in life. I want more than to sit around all day and just talk about shit. I want to do that stuff I talk about and I'm planning on doing them.
What have you done with your life lately? Who are you making happier? Who have you helped lately? What is your purpose these days?
I'm not so sure you could ever get out of this cycle of acting like a pathetic child. All I know is that I won't be around to see or deal with it. While you fail to have something attainable; and no... relationships are not an accomplishment so don't even try to win on that one because it's not a life improvement; regardless of what they may offer you... Get a fucking job... get a life... quit acting like the world owes you because you're 'crazy'... yeah, you're not crazy... you're just a fucked up little child that never got to grow up... and I feel bad for that; I really do but it's time for you to get up and control your life... you're never going to fully be happy and I'm getting there.... I'm not sticking around to allow you to kill that for me... I deserve happiness... something you will never understand or know about
I'll be honest too... I'm never talking to you again; contrary to the past... this time is real... don't think I will... because I can do and did better... and I will again and again because you're WORTHLESS to me... you always have been... and nothing good comes from being around you... if there was anything good.... you kill it every time because your a selfish bitch.... and I told you that you weren't but it's a lie... it's all been a massive lie... like your life.... a lie...
And the only reason you don't want people to say the 'w' word is because you know it's true. We all do. That, will never change. Have fun catching diseases. If you die from one; don't think I would ever care... you brought it on yourself...
Just like all that blood that comes out your ass cause you don't know how to take care of yourself and give yourself a break.... nasty as hell....
Ciao miss jezebel... ciao