Into the abyss

A few days ago, I mentioned to a friend or few that I've finally decided; it's time to give up. The L-O-V-E train hasn't stopped in my neighborhood just yet and I suppose that when it does finally do so; I'll have found something more important to encompass into my array of living. 

It's a stab inside of the crest of who you have been for so long; somehow it seems like it gets easier to be alone at night because there isn't the hassle of relearning the bitter halves of the other roads. I sometimes believe that I bring on the neglect myself. Am I not too convincing; or do I lack the substance that men here are looking for? Maybe God is telling me to find something stronger than man? Does it start with a conversation or is it far more complex than these feeble minds can handle?

Ah, the great journey to learning more of myself that I feared was gone. Yet so many are divided by their covers of me that they've never noticed that behind these mascara eyes lies a being that needs to find something more than everyone else. I need to connect back to where I was once. Though I have my ups and downs with this walk I am taking; it tends to the circle of lies I have to tell myself sometimes to push ahead. 

See, I never wanted to admit it but I'm a very sensitive heart. I can't hide the fact much longer or else it may very well consume me. I don't like to express the discomfort I feel when someone is no longer interested in learning about me; I don't like to meet people for the curse that is in me from time to time; that bit by bit that no one can understand or attach to. 

So as I carry into the grassy meadow that is this land; I walk with a torn heart awaiting repair; I walk with a smile awaiting a kiss; and I'll continue to walk with a hand waiting for a connection because that's why life is difficult; you are here on this earth to connect to something or someone. I no longer believe that for me; I should follow upon someone. Maybe my heart was meant to dance in the ambiance of rejoicing. Maybe I was meant to be on my own. An independent child of the sky.

Don't wait for me because I'm no longer waiting for you my darling love. I'm no longer in love with your idea of happiness; there is more than that for me. I must believe it. I must channel that thought before losing control of my emotions. We're no good if we're broken.

"Millions of people live their entire lives without finding themselves. But it is something I must do." -Marilyn Monroe


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