Showing posts from 2013

Don't expect it

I'm not waiting for the new year just to hear you. You beat around the bush and I need to say this; it pisses me off because if you are going to do something; you should do it. Stop just talking about it.

Either way, happy new year I guess. I won't be waiting around the corner forever. I hope you keep that in mind next time. I'm getting too old for this pushover shit.

I deserve more respect than that.


You're mad at the worldFor all the hurt it brings You're mad at the world For all the lies they feed
You wished every time that they would understand  Man can't see past what's there past your hands Pretty eyes and a resilient face Puts you back at first base
You're mad at the world For all the hurt it made you feel You're mad at the world For everything you didn't get  You're mad at the world For all the nights you were alone You're mad at the world Misunderstood girl You're mad at the world For everything
Turn the lights off Try to carry away this pain They will always ignore your intent They push you so far away
What reason do you have to act like that? What have I broke in you, for us to subtract?
You're mad at the world For all the hurt it made you feel You're mad at the world For everything you didn't get  You're mad at the world For all the nights you were alone You're mad at the world Misunderstood girl You're mad at the world For everything
If I…

Giving you up

To all the boys in the world.... you think you're such a special one...

Pretentious. Unemotional. Narrow. Deceitful.

When I think of all the lies, the ridicule I get for being androgynous, the way men will look at me and objectify me as if I have no importance or value is sick. Your a bunch of twisted fucks and I'm over it.

I'm tired of these 'straight' boys coming around... asking me this, asking me that and badgering me for a photo just to ridicule my gender because I'm not qualified for what they really want but won't admit to... I know half of you assholes just want to bang and go but some of us are too classy for that and YOU can't handle it. YOU can't handle the fact that good people are out there; so you try your best to destroy us.

If I'm crazy; I'm crazy sane. YOU guys are the fucked up ones. Treating people like they aren't worth and then expecting us to return the favor with a smile and some greetings from our tammy.

I'm N…

Project names (possibilities)

the fm. - the fear machines (or fm)
wayne - where are you now emery? (last name has no correlation to a.e. - just sounds cool)
cf - clever faces (inspired by an EP I never finished)

Such an early 90s song

Made, in our era today. There is hope for music after all.

It also stars the hottest Swedish man that ever lived. I'm in love with Alexander Skarsgard.

Fuck off mix (Go-to Playlist)

All I have to say to you is...


If you don't know what you want

Then don't bother trying to 'know' me. I'm also not letting you have me in any sexual way either. If you're getting to know me; you're supposed to get to know ME. Not my body parts.

How I've always felt

All I wanted was somebody who cares.

If all your good times passed you by

(One of the few Mainstream artists I like)

I feel this way


Your face

This is why I can't stand you...

You have no respect for anyone but yourself
You lie out your ass all the time and pretend like you don't
You ignore someone when they are clearly trying to reach out to you
You hate on me for no reason and you will NEVER tell me why
You hold grudges over the stupidest shit
You act like you're the best thing to ever have been born

So seriously dude, what the fuck? 

Am I that bad of a person for you to treat me like I'm a fucking trash dump? 

You need a reality check... 

I've done everything I can to show you that we could be friends but you clearly would rather be a shithead about it than man up and take responsibility for your actions; you're not a fucking man.... you're a fucking child... and I don't babysit; so fuck off

The truth about you

Some life choices are harder than others but this one seems like one I need to do soon enough when I'm able to. I need to part ways from this town. I've learned that you only have yourself in life and sometimes; it's better to enjoy that in a new environment than one filled with bad memories and people that are carelessly using you for their advantages. 

I want more than what I am getting out of people and maybe my expectations are simply too high but I am worth it and it saddens me that I even have to compromise myself to fit into these lies that are thrown at me.

I've had so many offers to get away from here but I turned them down because I thought that you mattered in some way but you've always used me for your wants and needs and then shut me out when it wasn't convenient for you. You play cat and mouse with people around me (for what reason I never understood because I get who I want; and if not; they aren't impressive enough anyway)

You've caused str…

Always on repeat... fucking jerk

I'm over it, I'm over you.

Coffee, love stories, tired eyes

You crave it all
That spark from afar
Having all of me
Providing nothing
I'll get where I want
I stay where I'm never needed
You take what you get
A world like dust
You want me to want you
I don't want you
I don't crave your love
I don't know you
You don't own me
Oh faceless beauty
Your pain is a ghost
My words coerce
You have no hope
I walk
So behind you lay
Farther I return
Small steps
I'm someone again
Who are you?
A game played
Goodbye boy
Man is not defined by sizes
These footsteps will keep rising
I've got it now
My heart like islands

You'll love me at the end of the day

And I'll be home.


No man could give to me


I want you to go find yourself



I wonder where you've been. Two strangers in the dark.

I never knew

I was cruel.

The Swan


You don't see

Give it all you've got.

Look into my eyes


I'm over it


We sink

I'll be up on your side. For always.

Giving Up On You

All the games you play
The lies stuck in the way
Your promiscuity that stays
The anguish to get away
Feeling like a useless hole
Begging for more in my soul
All the hurt that you bring
The difficulty that you keep
All the words you kill
The people that you feel
All the pills you take to smile
The only thing that makes you worth while
Addiction so heavy like a sword
I'm not there anymore
I give up on you
You're just a whore

Still Thinking Of You

Where have you gone? :(

It's public

I find it sad that we live in a world where if you don't have a car; you're considered a freeloader. It's called public transportation; use it.
Time and time again; I've dated the kind of guys that think I won't put forth effort to see them; they're wrong.
I am willing to utilize every offering out there to make it work; whether it be purchasing a room to spend time together; getting dinner while riding in a cab; taking the bus to the store and so on. I want a New York state of mind on a Dollar store budget. 
In short, I've decided that people are just assholes. There is no hope for humanity.


7 Ways to Make a Guy No Longer Interested In You

In my years, I've learned different ways that make a guy fall out of element when it comes to connecting to a person. For me, I've compiled a list of things to look out for as warnings to keeping yourself prepared if you plan to keep that guy you've been loving lately.

1. Getting comfortable
Men are a complicated kind, they require a lot of adjustment, and a lot of space. However the two of you meet, you always want to show him that you don't need his participation; independence is a great weapon against an indecisive type. For women, say you meet a guy and you are all dolled up and looking sexy; don't lose sight of that. Men value someone who is confident, attractive, and full of adventure. Keep them guessing; they will surely stick around.
2. Saying 'I miss you' or 'I really like you a lot' too much
Words have the power to change everything. Take a song for example; lyrics can form or shape the output of a melody and a person's perception of a s…

I give up

My heart belongs to me and me alone. Your ignorance will never take me. I will rise above.

The beauty in life

Is knowing you won't ever be perfect and being content in who you are.

Message In A Bottle

Feel the shade under this skinLife rated by curated judgements Everybody wants to love But it doesn't seem to show up
Written on fragile paper Memory seems to be better I'll leave it behind the dark My light will be like the stars
Hide it behind the smiles You wouldn't give me what I want Given another apology We feel the break in our bones Our differences let us know  It's better when we're alone
Wash me into a fall You don't want me to take them all Failure to resist their calls Missing the truth behind the walls
And I need to know the things you feel Your honesty doesn't seem real  Why can't our hearts erase? Bittersweet yesterday's 
Hide it behind the smiles You wouldn't give me what I want Given another apology We feel the break in our bones Our differences let us know  It's better when we're alone You wouldn't give me what I want Our lives impossible 
I wish we could share everything like we belong Two different faces, mastering other changes If you look, yo…


Like water from the drainYour heart so low Decline such loves as these Remembering the pain Silence always spoken Missing you but hoping You change me Like waves in the ocean

Of Tides

Your heart is a battlefield


Your heart is a battlefield

I feel myself going under

Your eyes are like porcelain

Nothing can erase what they've seen

My arguments mean everything

Your words are like fires

Burn me away

Take time, rearranged mind

Sudden ghost; in my life

We wait too long

Until we're all gone

Your heart is a battlefield

I feel myself going under here

Your eyes are like porcelain

Nothing can erase what they've seen there

My arguments mean everything, mean everything

If it's all that we will get

Count me in

Locked up in this cage

I won't stay another day

Close my eyes; find a way

To get me back to faith

Goals for 2014

So lately I've been thinking about moving forward. I want to gain instead of staying dormant. I got my goal last year and this year; I have three major goals. 
1. Get my license
I want to be able to drive and get out of the area when I feel I need it; especially on days off when I could really use a mini vacation.
2. Get a car
If I had a car, my relationships could be stronger than they are now; I could do more and see more people on my time instead of theirs.
3. Get an apartment
I've looked around the area and the cheapest rent I have been able to find is $299 a month with water, trash, and electric included. 
If I got a roommate; we would pay almost $150 each for it each month. This could work out to be a great starting place for me. 
Though it is on the other side of town; making it harder on me to get to and from work; it's a place to live and that's my biggest need right now.
2014 is going to be a very busy year for me but I have faith that it's going to be the start I…

Like Wolves In The Night

Like wolves they hunt you in the night
Arrows shot from your lies

Boy or girl; you never tell
Innocent and clever fail

You want the worst of them
Hidden like stars in the earth
Like crystal gems
Our hearts decay like sins
You'd never take it back again
The words you killed in me

Young and hopeless on the run
Wasting time, show me your gun
Love, departure underneath the rain
Grow, from where I might of been okay

Walking beyond footsteps
Follow you here
Replacing me with foreign tears
The younger my eyes go weak
The harder my strength betrays me

And I just wanted more than you gave
I just picture my hollow stage
I just wished for saturday
Times for us to recover shame

I miss you, oh sweet pretend
Would you let me live?

You want the worst of them
Hidden like stars in the earth
Like crystal gems
Our hearts decay like sins
You'd never take it back again
The words you killed in me

I love you

Touch my garden



Heart hidden behind shiny glass
My lips revert what I have said
Wonder days beyond my younger years
Invisible touch with a system for fear

Would you be like the sun?
Radiate that good kind of love
So it may make me remain
I'll wash up your brain, uh huh

Arrows stuck inside your legs
Too scared to come back
Fortress of runaways
Our eyes meet in a haze

Would you learn like the great ones?
Takes more than a gun and some powder
Make everybody run
Run away

Heart hidden behind shiny glass
This love never lasts
For us

Still I want to feel the rush
Cold winds

Remember the times
Let them sink in

You'll never forget
This face that walks the vine
My heart on your mind

Oh darling love
Sing sweetly those lullabies

Your love story

Inspires me to find my own love story. I love you two and I hope you are both doing fantastically lately.

Signs I'm addicted To

Here we go again I will say to the bad signs; many of which I can usually avoid from one simple ask of 'What's your zodiac sign?' but other times, it's a swift travel to get to one I actually like.

Taurus men tend to linger a bit into my life and I can't complain. In my experience, they share so many common interests and they are loyal enough that for a Leo; it's a fantastic match. I love the creative side in a Taurus, they're reserved side can be edgy and cute but stubborn moments make it a tough call for a Leo; I feel like compromise is the key here.

Once you can allow them their space for those moments; things can fall into place and it can be a great relationship. Also; a good note to add is that Taurus men are almost always super sexy to me. I love a guy that is just himself but naturally just sexy in his own right. Great style as well; which is a major benefit for a Leo. Leo's love style.

Aquarius men seem to have a fine balance between romance and …

Friendship VS. Aquaintences

It's a tough battle and one I'm growing up with as one of my former cares. I no longer give a shit about connections anymore because you aren't important if you can't find time to include me anywhere in your life; even for a moment. Friends don't cut friends out.

This past month has been a trial and error month and one I'd much rather not repeat again but we all know; history will repeat itself; it's inevitable.

On the upside; I'm learning slowly how to channel my frustration and anger into things that matter to me. For example; my want to not care at all about you. Yeah, I'm going there. I'm sick of this shit.

You'd rather meet some new person; spend all your time with them; cut me out for awhile; then when they're gone or you have no one to spend time with (of interest) - come right back to me and pretend we never were apart or that I had been affected by your shadowing.

You're closer to 30 than I am and I feel like I'm learnin…

The start of something new

Isn't it lovely? I finally have my ears pierced; after waiting almost 25 years to get them done. 
This is a major deal for me, especially considering I didn't ever think I would crave these piercings but I decided recently; I want to start living more. 
Doing more things that I never would of done before. 
I've already got tattoo ideas, and a few plans to add some more piercings into the mix. I'm excited about this!



I can't love you in the dark


Do we have to bring the good down?



I'm not completely sure because it could be a mixture but it sounds like he lost someone in this song; the mention of a burial and all actually makes me feel sad for the guy. It's always terrible when good people leave this world; we have to learn to be stronger and to know that their spirit is with us eternally.

Cause I'm a Loose Ship


Dear fate

Bring me a man like Bradley Hale.
That beautiful pale face, those striking eyes, that soulful heart so full of emotion, those ambient lips.
His voice is full of such softness and beauty; any man that could sing like that is purely my kind of guy. 
I crave to fall in love again; I feel like this is the year to make it happen.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU. (A sad story about equality)

The beat takes me away


EXCLUSIVE LISTEN: Sombear - Love You In The Dark - Full Album Stream via Spotify

Listen to the full 'Love You In The Dark' album by Sombear (former of Now, Now)

Some favorite tracks I like from this album include:

#5 Easy Thief
#10 Rich Hair
#4 Love You In The Dark
#9 The Good
#6 Loose Ship

Overall, 'Loose Ship' would be one I fondly love most, it reminds me of some early demos I've heard from Darren Hayes (former Savage Garden)

Channels of my mind (AE)

I've been battling the hate that comes from a stranger lately. It's as if you just seeked out to destroy my spirit and decay everything good that I held high about you.

You can 'apologize' all you want but actions prove more than words. I find people with a genuine heart and a keen suspense for kindness to be the best trait for someone to embody. You've lost it. 
I'm not sure what you're going through and I feel terrible at times for reacting considering this is not worth reacting but I pity you lately, I feel like you must be battling something far more complex than I can manage to help. I don't understand it and I'm not going to try to. 
This situation was not my fault; I have to keep reminding myself this much because the way you are twisting things with silence makes it appear that I gave this to you. As a human being; I don't plan on anything close to what you are envisioning. I wanted something good between us but it apparently won't ha…

When it snows outside... I feel like this...


It's just...


A New Me :)


My favorite girl :)


Night wind
Naval water
On the board of
Somewhere farther
Grain of salt
Through finger rips
We heal here

Hazel eyes
Behind lips that never spoke before
I want to feel your bones
Wrap around my skin
Those deep sky eyes
Take me tonight

Engine runs
Smoke in the dust
Feel like youth
Never knowing it
It waits in your truth
More than just conversation

A better half


I feel you everywhere I go
The night seems breathless, oh
I love it when you talk to me
Like I'm always perfect

You know that these parts won't match
But how can you look past it, when you step back
Just give me your emotions close
Carry on what I want to know
A piece of love just might happen if you let it
This heart is open to your soul
I don't wanna let this go

I feel your heartbeat drumming
It's like we're already going, oh
I like it when you call me crazy
Like I'm always gonna be your baby

You know that these parts won't match
But how can you look past it, when you step back
Just give me your emotions close
Carry on what I want to know
A piece of love just might happen if you let it
This heart is open to your soul
I don't wanna let this go

I wanna be your one
If you'll be my two
We can make this last forever
If you let me through
I wanna know what you are thinking
When I'm not alone with you
This heart is like an airwave
Sending messages ba…


Love me, hold meNever control me I'll be yours forever If you want to know me

Not What Friends Are For (Lyrical Writing)

It's fucked up
The way you put me on

It's fucked up
The times that you erased

What's the reason?
Did I deserve this treason babe?

Change of the seasons
My heart is like a cave

And I wait, I wait, I wait, for you
And I don't want to look back, knowing the truth

Would you be my light?
Cover my secrets until the night
In the dark, my mind is torn
Underneath, I feel you're gone
That's not what friends are for

Elastic, or hate we burn
Fantastic, the things I learn

Too young to die
Too old to care

I walk with my heart on my eyes
Like ghosts in the air

Where are you now?
When I needed you most

I've tried to be there
But you're like a ghost
You're like a ghost

Would you be my light?
Cover my secrets until the night
In the dark, my mind is torn
Underneath, I feel you're gone
That's not what friends are for

Drink it up, the moments dead
The life you have, won't come back
I'm okay, when you're away
My mind is a drum just escalating

(And I d…

My favorite song FOREVER.

Things I Hate Most

1. People who don't wear deodorant
2. When my friends know people I don't know (it's awkward damn it)
3. Too much sauce on my pizza
4. When my phone dies and I have to recharge it
5. Mornings (I repeat....... mornings)
6. People that say 'um' all the time
7. Clothes that don't fit me
8. Shoes that don't fit me
9. Goodwill tacking on prices because those greedy people come in
10. Terribly made coffee (sugar or nothing!)
11. Running out of candy
12. When something doesn't work as advertised
13. Stale chips
14. Hot coffee
15. Wrinkles in my pants
16. Things that break immediately after I buy it
17. Fanboys
18. People that use the word 'omg' in every sentence
19. Voxes before 9 a.m.
20. TV's without remotes (they exist)
21. Horrible acting 
22. Toothpicks
23. McDonald's 'Cash Only' moments
24. Cheap eyeliner
25. Guys that have loud vehicles

Goals That Lie Ahead

Some great news came in today that my music may be promoted through a live interview with a producer I've worked with 'Ryan Wilcox' who is starting to make a name for himself through his musical work.

He was emailed by BBC about doing a live interview with Gareth Lloyd on BBC Three Counties Radio. This could be so beneficial for me as a musician and I've mentioned that I have plans on working on an EP soon.

Part of my plans to step back into music again and to really give it a whirl this time. I'm going to really take my time on this one. So far, I've confided in Ryan to help me through this process. With his skills and expertise; and my drive to create something worth keeping soon; I feel like this EP will become something I can truly be proud of.

It's going to take a lot of work but I have faith that I'm going to get there when the time is right. Keep me in your prayers everyone :)

Autistic Man Shows Appreciation for Whoopi Goldberg's Role on Star Trek (Dutch TV)

This appeared on a Dutch TV programme; College Tour.

It's true

The feeling of feeling alone in a room full of other people. To not know what it's like to have someone interested in getting to know you more after meeting you but meeting your friends and developing relationships with them instead.

The joys of being a grown up.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to actually have friends whenever I wanted; they could be there on my time but I know that it will never work that way. I have to compromise for it to happen.

Maybe someday this whole meet people feeling will get easier; maybe not. One thing is for sure; I'm going to continue to be me and if that's not good enough then those lovely bunch that don't like me can go hangout in their shit clique and let me enjoy my happiness on my own. I won't be missing you.

The end is near

Are you ready for it?

Starting the day off right

Oh, how I love the British!

It's wonderful shows like these that I've endured over the years that make me feel so close to European culture. I love this show, a great show to watch when you're having a lazy day or simply just need a good laugh. Anyone else agree?

Tilting Moon

I'll tell the world how I feel
Given time to see it there
My shine, like stars in the wind

Forging upon the tide
Girl and boy will never collide on guilty sands
I'll overcome

Distant sea, haunting dreams, from you
Playful on the dice, youth inside the skies
This change for use

Walking tall, slender arms
American dreams, never what it would be
Tonight they leave, feet feeling weak
I'll overcome

Green Water

Hear this voice, echo on daunting life of age
Serving on silver and gold, monies lies unfold for you

Where is the happiness, the clouds from the high
Fluid and pavement, the thoughts never lie
You, you radiate kissing gun
Sunlight detach me, I'll be done

Hunger from white wrath, putrid inside the glass
Danger and innocent, angel face in curse of latency

Where is the happiness, the clouds from the high
Fluid and pavement, the thoughts never lie
You, you radiate kissing gun
Sunlight detach me, I'll be done

Want to shadow from the pier
Whisper softly in my ear
Never worry on a shame
Class of 1989
Give everything
Gain empty cartridges to paint your walls

Left on board a train
I'll be going somewhere soon

Soothing starry smile
Change tides or reconcile
Live free, I'll be

Left on board a train
You radiate kissing gun

You can be thankful; doesn't mean you have to like it

So this paycheck came and went like a mediterranean holiday. I managed to make $379; apart from my sometimes given; 400+ pay. So, how does one manage to live for two weeks on less than $70?

What do I work for? Am I taking care of my parents now? It's not a shameful thing to say I live at home now considering I pay more money than our own government would; just for fucking food because some of our fat ass people here can't manage to actually eat proportionately and want to eat us out of house and home.

Why am I broke? I have to feed the fat fuck that can't get up off his lazy fucking ass and get a fucking job. FUCK this shit; I hate it and I'm not going to pretend to be happy about it. It's annoying when every check goes to supporting a lazy ass.

Anyway, better go calculate. This may take all evening.

Back To Where I Came

Midnight railroad on a train, take me back to where I came again

Painted on my glitter eyes, mascara to make them dive again

It's been a long awaited turn, time for love, time to learn this place

Arrows, sticks, and bones, my heart will fade

Trees dancing in the wind, fingers twist and I begin, anew

Glimmer lightning on board a plane, last chance if you could play, the truth

Midnight railroad on a train, take me back to where I came again

I'm a boy inside a girl, I'm a girl inside a world of glue

La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Close my eyes and disappear, another voice and you appear my friend

Make it seem like centerfolds, stage left and getting old, with you

Midnight train, midnight train

New Beauty Favorites: August 2013

So, soon... I'll start posting my favorite beauty products for the month on given months that I try things within makeup; skincare; and the like...something refreshing for my blog :)

This month; I've encountered a great deal of new products; especially from Avon and some lovely new additions from the drugstore. I'm excited to share my favorites so far.

1. Revlon Colorstay Whipped Creme Foundation - I was a little hesitant at first given the last foundations I tried weren't great with coverage and they looked terrible on my skin but I have to give emilynoel83 the credit here for mentioning it and raving about it so often in her makeup videos on YouTube.

The texture is reminiscent of a high end foundation and the coverage is comparable to any MAC foundation so far. I especially enjoy the semi-matte finish (satin finish) that it leaves. Beautiful enough to not wear a powder but; I never go without setting. So, it's a dream but one I am enjoying so far. I think I will …

Homophobic silence (a rant for the stereotypes)

It's not often you find a boy scared to embrace other sides of 'gay' living like the fact that I'm willing to express parts of myself and what I feel to the public that most military men could only dream about.

I'm a modern day diva. Maybe that's why no one wants to get to know me or they drop me like a pin to water. It's not right or fair but someone has to suffer right?

I'd rather be myself and happy with what I see than be a scared child inside of a man's body and THAT my dear is you. You're too afraid to embrace what is in front of you. That's fine though; there have been plenty before you I've let go and well, there will be plenty after you to let go.

Men; they hate fem guys apparently. If they don't; I dare someone out there to prove me otherwise. I seriously dare you. If you fail; be gone. If you succeed in proving it isn't a dead end; may I be slapped in the face for it.

Maybe it's because I'm not a part of the ov…


Why must you disconnect my calls constantly? :(

I'm switching back to Straight Talk as soon as I can. This is getting ridiculous!?!

How I feel in the morning


Wantable 2013 August Box Review

The other day I posted a blog post that gave you a preview of what I received in this month's beauty box subscription from Wantable and I have to say; I'm loving everything I received, with one minor exception created to relearn one of the products that I easily hated at first.

Here's a look at the entire box if you miss my previous post the other day:

Courtesy of (August Box)
So, the first thing you want to do is make sure you have some coffee on hand; or if you're European; some refreshing tea and maybe some biscuits?

I'm going to start off with my most favorite item all the way down to my least favorite item in this months beauty box. So here we go...

Lise Watier Eyebrow Essentials (Brunette)

Well, what can I not say about this product... it's compact and easily friendly with any travel bag or purse; so I could easily take this on-the-go with me to work or out with me on a road trip. 
The powder offers a nice finish that is a beautifully matte cov…