Language?

June 30, 2012

Jelly bean, oh jelly bean

So I wasn't getting updates from Google.

I took it on as a challenge and ended up flashing the brand new Android 4.1 version which was shown at Google I/O this past week.

It's absolutely lovely :)

Have a look:







June 25, 2012

Best album lately

Roku

One of the great treasures of living in America is the addition of Roku. A streaming player that offers up to 500+ channels for free.

It works with virtually any TV and streams in 1080p HD. I bought one and I'm in love with it already :)

You should get one (Sadly, it is only available in the U.S. currently but keep checking)

http://www.roku.com/

June 24, 2012

Fifty shades of grey


It's a new fad around the nation; even at work, it's intensifying with every book. A book that is said to be controversial and full of BDSM talk; erotic conversation, and intense sexual affairs. Sex shops are even getting in on the action. 

I began reading a chapter on it; considering I hate reading...this book is really like people say; it's very addicting. I'm finding myself wanting to buy the trilogy just to read the rest of it. I'm not sure how the writer is able to grab so many of us like this but it's almost magical in a sense. I like it so far though; it's different. 

A book worth noting considering its public notion so far. It isn't often I find myself captivated by words; this may be a point of collection for me. I may fall into this trap and force myself to put the books down when I learn I can't get enough of the graces of page by page full of intense vocabulary and shining humor.

2000

What a year it was then. I was young; sad however from bullying but nothing that a loving sister couldn't fix in the day.

I decided to take it back tonight; I loved the jazz and indie version of Goldfrapp when she first debuted back in 2000. Her music is still amazing to me; even then it was clear her talent was unwaveringly excellent. She has a weird musical track however it's lovely to hear because it shows her creative process was clearly intimate within her editing and such before the releases came.

I value her highly; almost as if she's like a queen to me. More so; I respect her as the talent she really is. I'd love to attend the school she attended; clearly she learned from the best. Goldfrapp; never stop baby. We love you.

Coming soon

Someone new. Someone fearless. Someone like...


June 16, 2012

IMPORTANT UPDATE

I've known for a bit lately just how frustrating it is trying to comment on my blog. That's why today; I've lifted the restriction that was left on and decided to welcome all comments from any reader; no matter whom it is.

At this moment; as long as you register via Google, Wordpress, Livejournal, AIM or any other OpenID compatible service; you are able to leave a comment. Please remember that if you don't want to follow me; you can hide your presence by clicking on "Follow privately" when in the prompt window after logging in. I do not mind it at all. So long as you don't harass or bully anyone using my blog.

So to all newcomers; welcome :) and to all dedicated readers, I love you all and I'm thankful that you've stuck around for so long. In the coming time ahead, if all goes well, I will make commenting allowable to the general public without a need to login or subscribe to my blog. If this becomes the case; I will let you all know here with a delightful post on the news.

Well, it's late and it's time for bed. A long shift awaits me tomorrow and one must be well rested in order to perform at their best for the job :)

Loving the French

Check out "Amelie" 

I never really watched any French movies but I figured it's worth a shot.

I love French accents and I find some Frenchman sexy these days.

So I think I might watch this foreign comedy. I need a good laugh :)

So I might...


Cover this sometime? I love the beat and I think I'm capable. 

So I noticed...

Libra men are generally pretty stable signs for me. They don't mind sharing the spotlight and well, they have romanticism within the core of their sign. Every Libra I've been around tends to find quite a liking to me, sometimes to the point that the dating card is pulled and I'm left wondering "What just happened here?"

I learned something last night during a conversation with my friend Brock over the phone. He explained that since my number is 9; I can fit into any sign/number because 9+ whatever the number is essentially that number. I guess this explains why these days I can get along with every sign almost; excluding some Virgo and some Cancer people. I get along with Leo's almost perfectly and Libra's are pretty much my best match so far. Capricorns are nice however and they provide me with great conversation; a good friendly sign. Sagittarius is a bit in between; it can either work or fall short quickly.

As for the rest of the signs; it's pretty much nice so long as I keep distance and not get too caught up in their traits. From the words of Brock; "You because who ever you are around at the time". See, now that is pretty amazing to think about. I'm not crazy after all. I'm just adaptable. It's true though, I can find something common with just about anyone really. Sometimes it's hard to do but for the most part; easily manageable.

One of these days; a sign is going to take me over and I'll do something remarkably extreme on here. I already know it would be something dirty. What? I'm still a guy you know. Is it bad that secretly at work; I check out all the hot guys that roll through my department? Not to mention a couple of hotties on 3rd. Ah, I better stop. This may lead somewhere and we all know that doesn't need to happen. Yet.

I end this blog with a track;


Can't stop

It's one of those wake up, eat a donut because you still can without gaining a pound, and wear something furry and pimp savvy kind of days.

I hit the play button on my phone to hear one of JES' singles she did in collaboration not long ago. I love her music. It's the perfect amount of vocals and club centric tune. I really like the song. For some reason it reminds of an early morning Sweden. I guess Robyn wore herself on me after all.

Yesterday at work I overheard a beautiful woman speaking to her kids; her accent was lovely I must say. I was endeared to finally hear something from afar right there before my eyes. I know; I'm weird but I'm weak for an accent on anyone. If you have one; I instantly can't help but fall into your demise. Or so it has been since I was a child. Perhaps it's because of heritage or just the fact that as a Leo; I'm very emotional and it makes me react differently than what most people would.

I've tailored to the Italians, French, Swedish, and now...possibly the Dutch...her accent reminded me of a familiar voice I remember from almost a year back...it was very Dutch but very lovely on her...she had very Russian hair however so it's possible she was Polish? I'm not that great at pinpointing my accents but regardless, I love them. I get to talk to a sweet British lady from Cambridge in crafts from time to time and then a lady from Mexico City in Apparel; part of my department now since we've went under new code.

I've learned that the more I forget about the past; the more I learn that perhaps I shouldn't forget everything about it. Perhaps there is a reason I keep hearing that voice in my head. Perhaps it's telling me something and I just haven't figured it out yet. Who knows really?

All I know is it's much easier now to hear than it was before. Before it was linked to heartbreak and a lot of self caused drama. Now, it's nowhere near that. It's finally just voices to ponder upon. I've been asked about him a few times recently; I'm not sure why it keeps popping up but I'm not offended either. Still I wonder if fate is being forward about it and I should take action in some way from it. I've been asked if I miss him a lot. Well, I'll be honest here and NO I'm not needy or clinging on or anything like that; a person is entitled to feel however they see fit. I do miss him sometimes.

It's probably horrible to mention it due to the fact that he's no longer involved in my life; lord knows, I doubt he would ever even give me time of day again but that's my own fault and from that; I digress and only try to better myself from it. Still, it's not like I wanted to miss him because I know he never wanted to miss me but I still do at times. I wonder if he's doing well, how things in his life are. How far has he come in school; how about love...is love doing well too...how much has changed there since we've parted...these are all things I wonder from time to time...something I can't help but have tried to ignore for quite some time.

But, I'll never have answers nor a path where things can lead to something peaceful between us. It is what it is and I have to embrace it because let's face it; Taurus' are not so forgiving. I mean can you believe it took me almost a month or two just to convince him to forgive someone else for something that happened a few years before he met me? Ah, boys will definitely be boys though and you can't help but love them.

The important thing is; I helped in my own little way. I brought real love together. I created a happiness that I could never provide. Mostly cause I'm broke and this bitch is NOT going on a plane again. I guess in my own way; I've gone Dutch myself. I pay for my own meals, I take care of myself without any help from someone else. Excluding my parents, they want to help and well I can't deny them the joy of that since it's all they have left before I grow old and start to look uglier than sin. This is why aging sucks people.

Anyway, it's time to get back to my day. I guess when I wake up and not having sleep. I think too much. My mind ends up racing and all I think about is; "What if?" and "How come?" kind of things. Ce la vie baby. That's all I can say these days.

Ciao bella mon cherie.

PS: That last bit was in there to prove I can still get down on some foreign language ;) I still love me some sexy Europeans :D

June 14, 2012

I love myself

I really do and it's far beyond every other love I've had. It's not selfish but protective. It's raw. It's always aware and my love for myself is genuinely secure. I have no doubts about it.

It took years to come to my place of true happiness and when I was able to find it again; I was set free. I was able to learn more of myself that was locked away again. I was able to finally find smiling an easy thing for me.

It's constant in my work as well. I greet my customers with love and care everyday and I will even have delightful conversations to help bring comfort to my customers shopping experience because I know that I would want that from an employee if I were shopping at my store. It's common courtesy and something that I want to prove as a practice that can help change lives.

I don't look for love anymore because I feel I finally found it and it belongs in me. It's not in human form; and it isn't rare anymore to find its grace. Love isn't a human being; it's not something that really can be seen either. It's a form of energy that you are able to connect to. A vessel of hope and loyalty that can't be found in everything else.

I'm going to keep on no matter what they say. No matter what they do to me; I will always love who I am because I'm a beautiful soul and I must remember that before they appeared; I was beautiful even then. I don't deserve to be neglected or extinguished and neither does anyone else for that matter. For once in life; I am able to really take care of myself and do so without doubt or regret. It's finally my year. I'm going to try and make the best of it because it's apart of finding myself in each little way everyday.


I went there

For free baby. For free. All with the help of Google Earth on my new phone. It's amazing what you can do on these things :)

Take that Expedia.


June 12, 2012

Good will hunting

I've always been a fan of Good Will stores. They are remarkable in their attempt to raise money for charities through sales of used clothes at discount prices. They of course wash them thoroughly before selling them to you; so don't be alarmed.

Often times, it's my favorite clothing store to shop. It's budget savvy and cheaper than retail and it's got hidden gifts of labeled proportions. Did I mention I found a Juicy Couture bag for $15 there? I bought it of course and many of my friends and co-workers are quite jealous indeed.

I've landed other treasures as well, such as a beautiful jacket with a poofy fur trim to give me that Goldfrapp appeal. I've also bought a new pair of tan boots for winter there as well and a nice Rocawear jacket for winter to go with it :)

It's not what you wear however; it's how you wear it. I've learned on my own what works for me and so far; I look best in black; white; and earth tones. I can pull off anything however; most of us Leo's can because well, we're diva fabulous and we know how to WORK it!

Still, I'm pleased when I leave there to know that my money is going back to someone in need. To know that even though I can hardly luster my own life; I can help change another one. It's blissfully sweet. Now, I really should get to bed; tomorrow couldn't come any sooner. My new baby will be here hopefully? If not, I get a refund on my shipping costs which is good to hear. Amazon; I doubted you but perhaps there is a good apple in their after all. Apple Inc. is ridiculous though; leaving Google Maps is an immature move but I suppose it's for the best. Apple Inc. does make good products; they're just too limited for my tastes. Hey, I'm just saying is all!

June 11, 2012

Phase 1: Why he probably can't love you

Leo's are emotional. Very emotional. Often times, if it's emo looking; it might be a Leo. This is in fact; true. In a delightful conversation with a fellow co-worker; she has two Leo children. She's a Scorpio. Her kids were a prime example in my realization of what took me some time to learn about myself. I'm a very emotional being. Sometimes my emotions are too strong and that can kill the passion in a relationship because as a Leo; it can be hard to give space because Leo's want the full picture; the entire cake and then some. We can be demanding emotionally because we crave the attention. It's sad; but real.

Here's a breakdown of why it didn't work before. I was with the opposite type of me. Those people may have had some emotional tendencies but they weren't within the same type of level of a Leo. Making it tough to work with. Aquarius' will only give a Leo so much; not the entire picture. Taurus' are great friends and great lovers in the bedroom for a Leo; however, it's rarely ever a decent match because of the amount of extremes that divide the two signs. We're both stubborn and both strong willed. Taurus' are very planned and very stern on their beliefs and their thoughts on specific subjects. They are not prone to easy change. Leo's are adaptable but we must have space to take in changes a lot of the time but sometimes; we can take change with a grain of salt and embrace it if its attained to meet our standards or interests. It can get bumpy if we're not careful, so for a Leo; it's best to be attentive anyway even if it means doing so in a sneaky way.

Scorpios are a hit and miss sign for Leo's. Sexually, it's almost perfection but relationships can be difficult for they could lead to intense heartbreak. Scorpio's and Leo's have one thing in common however; both can be very scornful and hurt others very badly through actions or through words. It's more so apart of the opinionated side of us both. Leo's sometimes appear stand offish but as a defense mechanism. This is in order to show our territoriality and express our strength.

Regardless, it's not bad to know this. It's shocking sometimes to really dive in and learn you're not as impressive as you thought before but it's still nice to see you're not entirely evil. You're human. We all are and if you're not; well perhaps your in London in a nice loft somewhere; purring to the beat of Dragonette song's while your graceful British owner sips tea and writes their inner thoughts on a blog; yes...I'm joking here

The point at this is that we're all similar and different and that in itself; makes it hard to conquer problems. It can be a need to us when we see love on the street in the form of a kiss or hands held but we should notice that love is in us already. Optimism and pessimism are both common traits that are both up and down for us all. Call me crazy as you could have before but I'm human. So are you baby; so are you. Embrace yourself.

Another one to the list

So I work with a lot of signs that I've had trouble with in the past. Relatively similar to my exes so to speak. It turns out it isn't the sign that makes the person; it's the persona that is within that person that really finds the realism of their true being.

One of my favorite co-workers is an Aquarius. She's hilarious and a very very hard worker. I value having her part of my team from which I work with everyday I come in. Pisces aren't so bad after all, many of the people at work tend to be the following signs:

- Taurus
- Virgo
- Scorpio
- Gemini
- Leo
- Aquarius
- Pisces

So far, I've yet to run into any other signs but I'm certain they're around somewhere. Overall, I get along best with Pisces and Scorpio. Leo is a good sign for me in terms of the workplace and Aquarius fits well in the work place as well. Most of the other signs are not ones I've had a lot of experience with when at work; slightly more so than a Taurus; whom while has a very kind and social personality with me can be a bit distant from time to time making it hard to get certain tasks achieved within a timed process.

They are great people though and I'm glad that I have the opportunity to rectify my view of their traits. I may have had a history that wasn't so prosperous but this experience is allowing me to really learn the reality behind signs. To understand socialism better and to grasp my working points in figuring out who I am and where I need to work more within myself.

Virgo's are not shabby after all; if they are women. Virgo men tend to be a bit brash and off putting to me for some reason. This can also apply to several other signs where women tend to be easier to get on with versus men who tend to have a more dominant side to the sign and make it quite tough to really grasp their traits. It's nothing personal, but it's now that I'm learning who I really need and the kind of men I want to share my love with. Love being, a relationship of course. Sexuality is nice and all but it's nothing without love; plain and simple truth.

Either way, I'm fond of these people I work with. I can only hope and pray that it continues to improve. I forgot to mention that I work with an Aries and she is pretty great as well. One of the nicest signs I've met next to Aquarius'. Well, it's time to hit the sheets. I only get one more day off and then it's back to the sales floor to do my duties. I tell you one thing; it sure is exhausting working 9-5 jobs but in the end; it's all worth it when you see what the money can do for you and your family. I'm finally taking care of myself for a change. I don't know what I ever thought in letting others do so but this time; it's my responsibility and I'm valuing that closely. No man will ever clean up my mess because I have my life again and my life will be forever under my wing.

June 9, 2012

I don't do it often but...

I want to recommend a site that Google created called Schemer. Schemer is a place where you can grab ideas on what to do within your neighborhood or country even. Things like DIY, Movies to see, Places to visit, and a butt load of other things from other users just like you. I started trying it out and I love it so far. So many ideas there and I've got a full list of things to do from it now :)

Make your own lotion bars 

An example is above of what you might see there. You tap on a plus sign box to show you want to do that task and then on the check box if you've already done it. It's kinda like Pinterest for ideas. I would highly recommend it and I think that many people who get bored easily or just want something new to try, would find a lot of use out of this app. Yes, this includes international folks. You can even create ideas or tasks for other people to try and do. It's simple, fun, and it's a lot of fun. Check it out at www.schemer.com


June 7, 2012

I may be poor but I can look like I'm rich ;)

I just bought my new phone via Amazon.com; this will be my last purchase for awhile. It boasts a ton of amazing features and includes high end specs that I would normally have to get a contract plan to receive. It's a newer phone and one that will include a ton of storage space; fit for a app savvy user like myself.

I purchased the Samsung Galaxy Nexus from Google. It's one of the first phones to have Android 4.1 Jelly Bean; an awesome new OS update that has the user in mind. I will be able to use this phone in ways that I couldn't use my phone before. It's pretty much going to be my business, personal, and otherwise phone. It will be at my doorstep between June 11-June 14. Can't wait to start using this lovely phone! :)

Here, have a look; it's super beautiful:


Detailed Samsung Galaxy Nexus i9250 Specs:


General

2G Network
GSM 850 / 900 / 1800 / 1900

3G Network
HSDPA 850 / 900 / 1700 / 1900 / 2100

4G Network
LTE 700 (region specific)


Announced

2011, October


Status

Available. Released 2011, November


Size

Dimensions

135.5 x 67.9 x 8.9 mm


Weight

135 g


Display

Type

Super AMOLED capacitive touchscreen, 16M colors

Size

720 x 1280 pixels, 4.65 inches (~316 ppi pixel density)


Multitouch

Yes


Sensors

- Accelerometer, gyro, proximity, compass, barometer

- Oleophobic surface

- Touch-sensitive controls


Sound

Alert types

Vibration; MP3, WAV ringtones


Loudspeaker

Yes


3.5mm jack

Yes


Memory

Phonebook

Practically unlimited entries and fields, Photocall

Call records

Practically unlimited


Internal

16GB storage, 1 GB RAM



Card slot 

No


Data

GPRS

Yes

EDGE

Yes

3G

HSDPA, 21 Mbps; HSUPA, 5.76 Mbps; LTE


WLAN

Wi-Fi 802.11 a/b/g/n, dual-band, DLNA, Wi-Fi hotspot


Bluetooth

Yes, v3.0 with A2DP


NFC

Yes


USB

Yes, v2.0 microUSB


Camera

Primary

5 MP, 2592x1936 pixels, autofocus, LED flash


Features
Touch focus, geo-tagging, face detection


Video

Yes, 1080p@30fps


Secondary

Yes, 1.3 MP (Video chat supported)


OS

Android OS, v4.0 (Ice Cream Sandwich)


Chipset

TI OMAP 4460


CPU

Dual-core 1.2 GHz Cortex-A9


GPU

PowerVR SGX540


Messaging

SMS(threaded view), MMS, Email, Push Mail, IM, RSS


Browser

HTML, Adobe flash supported


Radio

No


Games

Yes


Colors

Black


GPS

Yes, with A-GPS support


Java

Yes, via Java MIDP emulator


Features

- Active noise cancellation with dedicated mic

- MP4/H.264/H.263 player

- MP3/WAV/eAAC+/AC3 player

- Organizer

- Image/video editor

- Document viewer

- Google Search, Maps, Gmail, YouTube, Calendar, Google Talk, Picasa integration

- Voice memo/dial/commands

- Predictive text input


Battery

Standard battery, Li-Ion 1750 mAh


Stand-by

Up to 290 h (2G) / Up to 270 h (3G)


Talk time

Up to 17 h 40 min (2G) / Up to 8 h 20 min (3G)










Lead on by the garden boy

Like any other rant; this one is more than true. It's still going. I work with a guy who proceeded his interest in me via text not long after meeting me. He wanted to take me out on a date and I said that I would love to attend such date. However, weeks later after he bluntly never spoke a word to me; he tells me he's dating someone else. He never even had the kindness in his heart to tell me that he was no longer interested.

People wonder why our world is full of lust and violence. It's because of the people. People haven't kept morals together for years now and it's showing in our cultures. Love is overrated to most people because of this loss in the fabrication of our human instinct. They've lost the hope for love and the enjoyment to find it and keep it. Our people are filled with hatred in the third degree. Some are tricky about it and sly upon their approach and others are straight-forward and intense about it.

The reason I've stayed single for so long isn't from anything in my past; I'm completely beyond that point now and I feel a lot better that I've cleaned up from it. I'm single because I know that their is no place for love in my life. I don't have time for it anymore and I have no desire to have it or seek it out because all stories tend to end the same way. The guy fucks up; boom...end of relationship and end of desire for love.

Friendships are hard to accomplish as well because of this. I've made a ton of new friends at work; almost every employee that walks past me will greet me back with a smile after I have greeted them with a smile and kind tones. It seems in some cases however, it's just not enough. So I must digress. I must remind myself that I can do better than the douchebags that I've encountered from time to time. I can be better of a person if I don't let them get to me and I move onto brighter and better things. It's truly time for me to get on with my life.

So to you, oh hateful boy in the garden...I'm happy you found someone and I truly was the other day as well...I'm just not happy I met you because meeting you brought back the reality as to why I stopped dating in the first place...besides, my standards are too high for you...I'm vain in my decisions because I want a gorgeous boyfriend; someone I can show off because Leo's love to show off our toys ;) - Toys being; our men.

June 6, 2012

Apple inspired by Sandra Bullock movie



So apparently, Apple is coming up with actual software that mimics the 1995 film; "The Net" starring Sandra Bullock. The film follows a girl whom works for a corporation when she becomes a victim of identity theft after finding out chilling details hidden about the company she's working for. Long story short; Gatekeeper was the name of the software used to steal millions of people's data and identities within the movie. Why Apple would choose to name their security software in the upcoming release of OS X Mountain Lion is beyond me. One thing is for sure however; you must always be careful regardless of which company your dealing with. For now, we can only make jokes of this one; I mean come on Apple. Gatekeeper? Sounds a bit Windows 98 if you ask me.

June 1, 2012

A truth set free

Here's a little tid bit about me that I learned through a friend of mine recently. I'm not as good of a person as I thought I was; though I try to say the least.

A reason behind my love of makeup is because of the basis from my childhood when I was teased based on my appearance. I spend hours just in the mirror trying to perfect how I look and feel before leaving my house because I don't like being judged. I fear rejection and I loath hatred.

When I was younger I was teased about the clothes I wore, how I acted, my voice, the way I was seen in the eyes of the ignorant folk. Many whom have met me never understand my actions or why I had strange reactions to the way that people interact usually to particular situations. This post is a small portion of me being able to finally come out about what I've battled for years since I was a small child.

I was abused as a child; not by parents or family members but by my peers. I feared walking on my own for a long time because in a small town like my own; being gay or different for that matter was not right; it was looked upon as a dark and sinister resolution. A combination of hate and misguided education is where we see many hate crimes start. I was a victim to hate crime in both emotional damage and in physical prominence. It got to the extent that at 14 and slightly through 15 years of age; I wanted to kill myself and be done with it.

I'm stand offish because I want to protect myself from getting hurt again. I've tried to lower my guard but when I do; I come back to my walls and build them up because I fear that if I let go too much; I'll become weak and weary. Unable to take care of myself and stand up for what I feel is right in my life.

I've broken a lot of hearts because of it. I've killed many friendships from it. I've lost communication because of it's potent ambience at which no one; not even I, could truly try to comprehend.

I stopped dating when I was in high school. I didn't go out when others did and I didn't want to become part of a world that I saw was full of many demons and tribulations that I didn't feel like battling. So I stayed home and got to know life within a box. That very box made me almost turn insane.

It wasn't until I met a charming young lad who cleverly spoke and intelligently loved me in ways that I wasn't able to understand. I didn't recognize the signs that it shouldn't have happened just then because I was desperate to escape my fears and try to heal myself by mending with someone elses. It didn't work. It never does.

Music was my escape from a young age due to it's almost magical side in helping me to forget the world around me and see myself in a place where I could be free. Where I could shine in happiness and kindness. To be someone that people could love regardless and to never have conditions or judgments from my peers again. I wanted to be someone else. I never imagined the day that came when I woke up and starting to admire some of the things about me that I blinded myself from for such a long time.

I've had many eye openers since my teens and the days of my extreme depression and the theft of my innocence. Unlike others, I've never been able to fully admit some of the things that I've had happen to me. Some of which explain the reason I fear to commit. I fear commitment because I grew up without a mother. When I was 8, my father would leave home to go to work and I would frantically cry in fear that he would leave me too. I had nightmares about ghosts and red eyes lurking in my closet; calling my name and trying to suck me into a pit of unknown terrors. I feared darkness for this reason and it would often have me up late at night crying at my doorway until my father turned the light on for me and told me everything was okay.

Some of these things that I'm exposing here; I've never told anyone. Not even family members. It's not hard to speak on it now given my age but it's hard to really realize that I went through a lot of things that kids my age at the time didn't deal with. Or at least my eyes had shown me.

The truth is, I'm a wreck inside but I'm fine on the outside due to my exterior wall. I don't want the world to see the real me because the real me is hurt, lost, sad, confused, and damaged. I'm not trying to relive those days again. I'm not saying I'm fake or that I'm not real; I'm very real and very honest about myself. I just have secrets inside that I dare never to take account to because I don't want to lose the people that matter most to me. I don't want to be judged or denied something over what I've dealt with.

There are many things in life which we can't explain or understand. There are times when we are beyond repair and have to break completely to come back to life again. I think that I'm reaching my point. The point when I have finally given up and taken into me the truth that I am on my own in all of this. That there isn't a fairytale out there awaiting us. We're not going to be amazingly happy forever with or without someone. This is just life and life is full of surprises. We can't expect to get what we want or what we deserve because then; when would we realize what we have? When would we find it in ourselves to accept that we are merely human and that we are NOT Gods. We're just piles of dust parading the planet until the day that we die, we float into our original place of birth. A place that we know is our true nature. Our true home.

Someday, I'll get beyond it. Someday, I'll figure out the mystery of myself. Until that day however, I must learn to cope with what I've had. I must love what I can and love often if I expect to get it back. Love doesn't grow within the sea, it's just part of the air you breathe. In time, you'll finally get it to keep and if not, you'll have to lock up that heart of yours with a spare key.

My point at the end of all this is that; you can't get what you want. You never truly will. So we have to beg ourselves the strength to handle it. To embrace the fact that we can only be happy of what is. Not what will be, for what will be is never known nor certain. It's just an idea that we create to kill time. This world is a lie. You won't truly live until the next life.