Language?

March 29, 2012

Confession #5

I hate weddings.

Confession #4

I hate gold lipstick and yellow eyeliner.

Confession #3

I think a man in lingerie is hot; only if they have muscles and a nice ass.

Confession #2

I've spent a good portion of my adulthood so far; battling Anorexia. I would starve myself to get the body that I felt I was supposed to have. It isn't normal for a guy my age or height to be less than 160lbs.

One night in Israel

Like Paris; I have swung below the rope and landed something rare around these parts. Little did I know; a guy that I went out on a little "happy time" date with turned out to be from Israel. His accent resembled a bit of the french tones that I've heard in movies from time to time. It was very endearing to hear.

I never meet anyone around here that is from another country; let alone one that is actually gay. For some reason, ever since I chopped my hair off and decided to be a boyish figure; I've had more and more offers from a lot of cute guys to go out and mingle with. A lot of people lately have been nagging me to go to a local tavern but I dare say that taverns here are remarkably boring; even the Israeli guy agrees. He told me bluntly; "It's boring. I don't like it."

Can't help but laugh a bit, see it's always when you least expect it that fate gives you something you really really enjoy. I enjoy foreign people. The languages, the style, the way of life. It's always great to learn of new things and see how they go about life differently from your culture. Israeli's apparently find me sexy too :)

Yes, while dumb people here would classify me as the "not good enough" type or the "ugly kid" kind; Israeli's admire my appeal. I have to admit it to you Bas, you were right when you said I would fit in with foreign folks. You were so right about it.

So think of it a bit forward of me to mention that this all happened out of a "happy time" date but it's my blog and I'll blog what I want to. It's only unclassy if you repeat the offense!

I failed to mention though; I know only one other foreign person here. Her name is Dee Dee and she comes from Poland. Her accent reminds me of a mix between French and Russian. Polish accents are so lovely and the language is rather beautiful to me. She spoke a few words to me one day in her native tongue and I fell in love with the language. I want to meet more foreign people. I want to explore the horizons of their cultures; hear there languages; and bask in the ambiance of their good company.

While my German friend Michael aka Pascal would tell me that Germany sucks and people are not civil in those parts; I want to visit one day just so I can meet him. Such a lovely friend he is. He's always making me smile and laugh and contrary to his popular belief; he is very attractive. 30's or not; a lovely friend to have and anyone who knows him is truly blessed.

I had a Deja Vu moment recently in terms of a little altercation I had awhile back. I was told that I wasn't a very nice person and while I never understood it; I believed it for a long time and it made me feel deadly. I felt very inadequate because of it but it opened my eyes to a situation I'm dealing with now.

So this guy Kevin emails me on a dating site I use. I knew him from some time ago when I was fresh out of high school or fresh out of a diploma you could say. He and I talked then and I felt like "Gees, this guy is really a bitch isn't he?" and it stuck with me for some time. We talked tonight and I felt a resemblance of that same line from years ago. I'm not saying he's a bitch now; but merely he's one of those "I'm right, your wrong" kind of guys that doesn't have a classy or nice way of showing it. While he's a very attractive guy; beautiful eyes and lips. He's got some work to do on his personality. I'm rather scared to even go on a date with him but I've already promised that I would be a good boy and do what I think is deserving.

He was kind enough to ask me out on a date and so; it's only right that I accept. I mean, I NEVER have been out on a real date before. This will be my first true date. All the other times, I merely hung out with the person and that was it. We never talked much and it didn't last very long before one of us was falling asleep. Ah, those memories.

Either way, it's late and it's time for me to go to bed.

PS: I found your books earlier today. You know; the ones we fought over...I'm beginning to read them again and while I think of you and it makes me wonder; I'm learning that I can't hold grudges forever and that maybe you weren't such a bad guy after all. You have a heart and I still remember it. I have to remind myself that forgiveness is the only way to true happiness in life; otherwise...you'll be paying for it later

XOXXO everyone

March 27, 2012

Confession #1

I'm addicted to sweets and hardcore porn

If I'm ugly, then so are you

And with my ugly; I will flaunt it as loud and proud as I can because for a guy like you; I deserve to be happy with who I am. Long or short hair shouldn't determine anything except for the temperature that hits my head!





Invasion of the Italians

So while I was out today shopping for some extra cosmetic supplies; my dad want to stop by the $1 shop and get a drink and a few little goodies for the night. As I was walking around looking for something to get with my last dollar I had out of my spending money; I overheard three Italian men chatting it up together over on the next aisle.

It was cute to me, and yet so shocking. I never see much of anything different here aside from people coming from different areas of my country; never anyone international. These were full blooded, real as real gets, Italians. The tall one was pretty hot I must admit but it's true; some of the stereotypes do follow. They all were dressed nice in button up shirts, slacks, with their hair neatly styled and wearing some kind of heavy cologne which I suspect was something from where they originally came from given the fact that I never smelled anything like it; it smelled good, they just put on too much.

Regardless, I was in amazement and in awe of the taller one. I couldn't help but wish for a second that I was on the streets of Italy, basking in the romance of the city and trying a fine meal that any tourist would be certain to try first. Ah, days like this are ones to remember :)

March 25, 2012

FUCK it. I'm done dude.

See, I've been called a lot of things but calling me ugly is just pure unkindness that I will NOT put up with. I may not be a fucking model with great hair and shit but you have NO fucking right to say that shit to me. I have a personality; one that out weighs your negativity so you can FUCK OFF FUCKER.

Here's the transcript itself from a conversation with a guy whom thought he was smooth. Dude, you're so beneath me and now this is perfect proof of why I'm so hard on myself; why I starve myself sometimes because of men like you making me feel like I don't fit in; like I'm not good enough, it's men like you that make me so bitter and cold to people that I don't want to be bitter and cold to.

Chat:

Me: haha i scared you off didn't i?

Him: no but u r ugly as a guy

And everyone has wondered why I'm so fucked up in the head and why I'm such a bitch and why I can't stand myself when I look in the mirror.........THAT'S THE FUCKING REASON right there so stop giving me so much shit.

March 24, 2012

The BIG day

So it's almost 8am and I'm nervous as hell. I've got to usher in three different people with this wedding. I've never really been in enough weddings to know how it all works and I'm a bit confused this morning as to where I come in and when I leave and such so I'll have to advise the parents beforehand.

A major reason why I don't like weddings IS the nervousness I get. I'm like a performer before they go on stage; it's intense for me. I want to strive to do my best, to be my best, and to satisfy every human being within the building and my thing is; If I fail at something, I fail at self forgiveness. Hence the life of being an unconventional perfectionist. It really taints my flow sometimes.

Well, off to the wedding I go...I have to be there early to get dressed and prepared for my 'roles'

I chopped off all my hair. I look pretty spiffy with short hair I think :)

I'll post a picture of it later perhaps. Ah, the joys of me becoming boyish again. It's been a long time since those days. I feel like a Versace kid or something; all decked out in designer attire.

Adios amigos!


March 20, 2012

All Over Again

Fields so empty make your heart stutter to feel
Blue eyes just mesmerized by something that couldn't heal
All over again; my friend

Cotton sways beneath your hips
Sweat dripping from your finger tips
All over again; my friend

It's a summer afternoon you can't recall
Writing on paper; trying to remember it all

Yeah, you can't bring her back

It's obviously near
All over again; my friend

It's a summer afternoon you can't recall
Writing on paper; trying to remember it all

Yeah, you can't bring her back

The skies took her within the wind
Like dust; all over again

Fields so empty make your heart stutter to feel
Blue eyes just mesmerized by something that couldn't heal
All over again; my friend

March 19, 2012

Expose You

You can take all you want

It comes back half the worth

You can decide to remind

If it's good enough; waste your life

I've seen the mark; it's written all over your lips

Ensue the fortunate and entrap their innocence

Cause that's all you can get; when you don't give a shit

All of this time I was out of my head

Lost in my misery and feeling dead

These are the days of the ignorant

I'm lifted like an angel when I forget

All the pain you let me feel

All the names you tried to kill

Eyes won't foresee what you've done in me

Twisted my story and fucked my friends

Looks like we're on another bad habit

Your name is glued to regret

Like a vixen; I'm ready to imprint

Arrows should never get across

With a face like yours; someone is bound to pay the cost

All of this time I was out of my head

Lost in my misery and feeling dead

These are the days of the ignorant

I'm lifted like an angel when I forget

All the pain you let me feel

All the names you tried to kill

Take on to that binge, like a syringe; these lies will make you cringe

Build your evils like times are medieval and ghosts are your only friend


Yeah

All of this time I was out of my head

Lost in my misery and feeling dead

These are the days of the ignorant

I'm lifted like an angel when I forget

All the pain you let me feel

All the names you tried to kill

March 18, 2012

Take me away in this melody...


I Fucked Up


I don't care too much for the rest of her new album that's releasing soon but this song isn't too bad. It's not very Madonna but it's not too far from her Hard Candy days.

Breathing

Like water, it streams through my veins
The wind picks up and I hear his name secretly
I wonder if I'm doing the right thing
I wish that I wasn't feeling like I'm pretending
Cause I do, I do...
Believe in your faith

It's hard to turn off the bad in life
It's tough to realize what you don't need inside
It's great when things get better; you look more towards forever
But it can't prove you worthy of his might
Cause truthfully we'll never be right

For years I've been ashamed to let go
Afraid to voice my heart and open this window
Now it's gone; the air comes quicker
I can see it in these eyes in the mirror
I can do much better than I have
There's no point in looking back
When I'm still here breathing

Like a nurse, it creates a place I need
The happiness that love sometimes couldn't bring
I wonder if I'm doing the right thing
I wish sometimes that I could change everything
Cause I do, I do...
Believe in your name


For years I've been ashamed to let go
Afraid to voice my heart and open this window
Now it's gone; the air comes quicker
I can see it in these eyes in the mirror
I can do much better than I have
There's no point in looking back
When I'm still here breathing


Out of all the words that have been embedded in my head
These days are numbered and I've begun to paint them in vivid reds
Like willow trees just waiting to die
I'm much more than just alive
Cause I do, I do...
Believe in you instead

March 14, 2012

Feels like home

     Below are a few photos I gathered of my little bitty hometown; Randleman. I've come to miss the place lately and remember such vivid memories; both good and bad in this town. While I dealt with some of the most intense bullying a child could have been offered; I also found parts of myself growing up that I never knew I could. I found out how to face adversity; to stamp your mark on the world; and to enjoy who you are because who you are is beautiful and no one should have power over that beauty but you. 
In Randleman, being gay was tough. I was amongst one of the very very nil amount of kids who were at the time and I, amongst a lesbian at my local high school; was the only openly gay student within my school. The guy I felt for and secretly dated was in the closet until I moved away. I moved away in March of 2004-2005 just as I was beginning to find myself; to establish my place in the town; and to stand up for my rights as a student and as a person. I was so upset leaving; it's like I felt a piece of me die that day that I packed my final bags and began my journey to calling another place; home. I didn't want to go but I did it for the sake of my father finding love. Love that would later prove to be harmful and damaging in my own love life.

Still I leave these moments I have now as tokens behind the rest of my story...coming from a small hick town full of about less than 8,000 people at the time and dream of my childhood days when I had found inner strength to beat the odds; when I was a carefree and happy soul just awaiting those holidays that I could celebrate and enjoy with my friends and family. I didn't meet harsh people or cry over broken promises; I would smile, walk on, and keep my spirit on top of the clouds. Though I had my addictions and problems here; I grew here. I learned and loved, I found and lost, and I began and finished here. You can't change any of that no matter how far you travel. You can't erase your roots because your roots are your crucial points.


One of my fav drinking songs


While it's never been a fantastic ballad or some revolutionary single; it's a song I like to play when I'm drinking because it puts me in a good mood. It simmers on times I've spent enjoying cool summer nights outdoors with my friends back home after spending a great day having a blast and enjoying some of life's most decadent moments. I recall of hot days with my friends; hanging out by the pool; tanning and swimming my cares away.

Ah, those were the days :)

March 12, 2012

It's a Fruit Loops kinda day

So, as I'm coughing up a storm today...reminiscing moments when I felt refreshed and dignified...I'm thinking to myself how we always end up comparing our love lives to our personal admirations. For example; I've always strived to find a classy guy because of the mannerisms that I saw as a child. I remember wishing to learn it; to impress people with it; and to be a gentlemen within the rest of my ecentric character that is Brandon aka Branni.

I've been attracted to tall men for sense of security; dark and handsome because of mystery; and foreign men because of learning experiences and the bonus of having something that I feared to never have. If someone had asked me when I was 13 or 14 if I were ever going to meet someone from Europe; I would have told them no and that they were wasting their time. It was 18 when I got that special something and I ended up taking to it like sugar.

The ettiquette that was proposed; the demeanor in his voice and language had inspired me, I felt truly blessed and I felt like I was a gem for having someone so angelic and soft hearted lay their eyes upon my face. Up until I was 18; I felt very dismantled...tired even...and I grew bored of what people had called love at the time...see I knew at that age that love doesn't come to an 18 year old and it certainly has no time to spare for a 22 (soon to be 23 in August) year old.

My point is, it amazes me how much we delight ourselves by hurting ourselves. Getting involved in situations or relationships that we know may or may not work out and then when they don't work out we feel dumb and discontent with rage wondering; why? why is this happening to me? but forgetting that WE are the ones responsible for putting ourselves in that situation to begin with. We essentially never learn and continue the cycle until one day; when we finally get what we want...we're bored with it and we no longer have any interest in it.

Someone told me once that it's a very lonely world for a gay man. While I still find some truth in it; I don't believe it's just a gay man that has to worry about it. I've learned that if I do in fact end up single and alone before I die; that if I never find what I'm looking for in that department; to smile anyway because I will have hoped by then that I have found myself enough to be able to handle it. Seeing that even in loneliness; you're not alone. Strength can find you and lift you back up to that place you want to be. God gives your heart a bandaid and your bitterness a burn. What life is all about; is not love or money or who is who and what is what. It's all about finding your place. Finding out what you want to accomplish; what your willing to go through to achieve things that make you happy. It's all in the determination; isn't it?

Yikes!

As if it could get any worse; my roommate, is sick with the Flu too. Despite my efforts to disinfect daily, wear a mask for protection, wash my hands thoroughly often, and keep away from contact; he got sick as well.

That's the thing that sucks about this season; it's always beautiful outside but it's lethal on people like me. I've always had bad allergies and when you combine that with sicknesses that go around every year at this time; it's a pain in the bum to deal with.

I've been taking Tessalon (200mg) for cough and while it's not working as well as what I believe they are capable of providing; it's working in a sense of lowering the amount of coughing I've been doing. I couldn't afford Tamiflu because it's around $100 just for a small prescription of it. It's mainly because of all the pain killer they put in it. Instead; I've substituted it for Tylenol, and daytime cough syrup.

If I lived in Europe; I would have never needed the substitutes and I'd probably be well on my way to feeling ever better right now if I had my way.

Guess you get what you get sometimes; right? Stupid health coverage. MAKE IT AFFORDABLE and then people wouldn't be so hesitate to sign up to be covered by your company. I mean; really...

March 11, 2012

Couldn't help it

I felt like coming back. If not for them; for me.

I've been sick lately; caught the stupid Flu and still battling it's adversity upon my body. The fever is gone at least but the cough is still pretty bad...my voice is scratchy...and my sinuses are acting up

I went to the ER the other night to get treatment for it; they didn't really have much options given that they didn't have the type of medications within their reach to give me for my specific situation. The good news is; it's not type C. I encountered the common Flu (type A) and I'm getting better at least. Slowly; but thankfully.

The most joyful moment of the experience though was seeing the hot nurse at the X-Ray lab...he had the most beautiful eyes and smile that one could ever dream of...so very European looking and yet all American at the same time. It reminded me of some time before when I pictured someone in their doctoral best and seeing them smile while they gave news that an open heart surgery went well to a stressed family. Beautiful moments like that are when you realize that hospitals aren't so scary anymore; doctors can be like angels in their own right. Saving one life at a time.

Well, doctors say rest, plenty of fluid, and good handwashing are in order. Time to hit the sack for a bit. On a side note; if the sexy X-Ray tech guy ever comes across me again...I hope I at least get a good long minute to daydream of his beautiful smile...intoxicating my every thought...and I dare to say "Can I have your number?" ;)

March 5, 2012

Today is the BIG day

My final post was posted. Today is the day when everything will be wiped clean. When I'll finally be free from the chains of my past and renewed by the idea of a positive future.

While many years were spent battling myself; addictions; woes; and struggles...this moment indicates a massive change for me...it's a chance to reinvent the wheel and revise what I've done in my life...a chance to start over for the better...to leave all my cares behind and to finally blossom....

I've debated this decision for some time now but it didn't dawn until recently how important of a decision it is for me to make. I didn't realize that I could gain so much more by doing this; that I could learn to love and respect better; that I could learn to let go.

This time; I'm truly letting go. This is the first place to delete. I'll worry of other places later but for now...I'll start with this place...it's spring time anyway; time to clean up some things before I take it further

On love; love is beautiful and it is of fond memory to remember the positive influences it had on me this past year; the smiles...the laughter....the joys of waking up and knowing that someone was thinking about me...but this year isn't important in that rite...this year is about my personal life...about fixing the broken patches; building the foundations that I want to have and working on the character within...I can't go on empty forever

I love all of you out there; the near and dear and even those that have cut me out and stamped me in the "do not contact" portfolio...I do; I really do...I hope everyone is blessed and continues to find that joy and love that God can provide us...I'll get there one day at a time and I'm already on my way to reviving myself...and who knew; I am doing it without any help :)

Goodbye friends. Goodbye exes. Goodbye loves. Goodbye to everyone. I hope to see some of you someday but it's time to wipe the table off and put up a new habitat of explanation. Love can wait; my survival can't...

March 4, 2012

Last words (Final post)

It stands before me
It breaks my scenery
It cleansed my history
It saved a piece of me

It kills the enemy
To see me smile
To see it was worth while

Sometimes the heart is your only weapon
Shot back is the man with no possessions
The smallest breath of self protection

So simple and free
(This lie is igniting)
Small drops of red
(These pains will keep fighting)
And all we ever were
All we ever had
And all we ever will
It shows where home is
There's a name written in my eyes
This ailment won't leave my side
Cause I'll be just fine
As long as I don't cry

It hurts
It doesn't know
It works
It doesn't show
Maybe if I kill off all the resemblance
I'd find another way to be a friend
Maybe if I changed into something
Something I never could be; just to keep them again


So simple and free
(This lie is igniting)
Small drops of red
(These pains will keep fighting)
And all we ever were
All we ever had
And all we ever will
It shows where home is
There's a name written in my eyes
This ailment won't leave my side
Cause I'll be just fine
As long as I don't cry

For 22 years I've been helpless in my skin
I've lost control and failed to listen
All of those that felt I was wrong for trying to forget
You weren't the one who lost their innocence

So simple and free
(This lie is igniting)
Small drops of red
(These pains will keep fighting)
And all we ever were
All we ever had
It shows where home is
This change won't revert the fact

That after all these years; I'm still unknown
That after all the tears; I'm alone
That I'm not good enough to be forgiven
God; please bring me home
I've made such a mess


March 3, 2012

IMPORTANT UPDATE


This blog will be deleted on Monday March 5, 2012 at 5:00 PM EST. It's been fun.

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