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Showing posts from March, 2012

Confession #5

I hate weddings.

Confession #4

I hate gold lipstick and yellow eyeliner.

Confession #3

I think a man in lingerie is hot; only if they have muscles and a nice ass.

Confession #2

I've spent a good portion of my adulthood so far; battling Anorexia. I would starve myself to get the body that I felt I was supposed to have. It isn't normal for a guy my age or height to be less than 160lbs.

One night in Israel

Like Paris; I have swung below the rope and landed something rare around these parts. Little did I know; a guy that I went out on a little "happy time" date with turned out to be from Israel. His accent resembled a bit of the french tones that I've heard in movies from time to time. It was very endearing to hear.

I never meet anyone around here that is from another country; let alone one that is actually gay. For some reason, ever since I chopped my hair off and decided to be a boyish figure; I've had more and more offers from a lot of cute guys to go out and mingle with. A lot of people lately have been nagging me to go to a local tavern but I dare say that taverns here are remarkably boring; even the Israeli guy agrees. He told me bluntly; "It's boring. I don't like it."

Can't help but laugh a bit, see it's always when you least expect it that fate gives you something you really really enjoy. I enjoy foreign people. The languages, the styl…

Confession #1

I'm addicted to sweets and hardcore porn

If I'm ugly, then so are you

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And with my ugly; I will flaunt it as loud and proud as I can because for a guy like you; I deserve to be happy with who I am. Long or short hair shouldn't determine anything except for the temperature that hits my head!





Invasion of the Italians

So while I was out today shopping for some extra cosmetic supplies; my dad want to stop by the $1 shop and get a drink and a few little goodies for the night. As I was walking around looking for something to get with my last dollar I had out of my spending money; I overheard three Italian men chatting it up together over on the next aisle.

It was cute to me, and yet so shocking. I never see much of anything different here aside from people coming from different areas of my country; never anyone international. These were full blooded, real as real gets, Italians. The tall one was pretty hot I must admit but it's true; some of the stereotypes do follow. They all were dressed nice in button up shirts, slacks, with their hair neatly styled and wearing some kind of heavy cologne which I suspect was something from where they originally came from given the fact that I never smelled anything like it; it smelled good, they just put on too much.

Regardless, I was in amazement and in awe of …

FUCK it. I'm done dude.

See, I've been called a lot of things but calling me ugly is just pure unkindness that I will NOT put up with. I may not be a fucking model with great hair and shit but you have NO fucking right to say that shit to me. I have a personality; one that out weighs your negativity so you can FUCK OFF FUCKER.

Here's the transcript itself from a conversation with a guy whom thought he was smooth. Dude, you're so beneath me and now this is perfect proof of why I'm so hard on myself; why I starve myself sometimes because of men like you making me feel like I don't fit in; like I'm not good enough, it's men like you that make me so bitter and cold to people that I don't want to be bitter and cold to.

Chat:

Me: haha i scared you off didn't i?

Him: no but u r ugly as a guy

And everyone has wondered why I'm so fucked up in the head and why I'm such a bitch and why I can't stand myself when I look in the mirror.........THAT'S THE FUCKING REASON ri…

The BIG day

So it's almost 8am and I'm nervous as hell. I've got to usher in three different people with this wedding. I've never really been in enough weddings to know how it all works and I'm a bit confused this morning as to where I come in and when I leave and such so I'll have to advise the parents beforehand.

A major reason why I don't like weddings IS the nervousness I get. I'm like a performer before they go on stage; it's intense for me. I want to strive to do my best, to be my best, and to satisfy every human being within the building and my thing is; If I fail at something, I fail at self forgiveness. Hence the life of being an unconventional perfectionist. It really taints my flow sometimes.

Well, off to the wedding I go...I have to be there early to get dressed and prepared for my 'roles'

I chopped off all my hair. I look pretty spiffy with short hair I think :)

I'll post a picture of it later perhaps. Ah, the joys of me becoming boyish…

All Over Again

Fields so empty make your heart stutter to feel
Blue eyes just mesmerized by something that couldn't heal
All over again; my friend

Cotton sways beneath your hips
Sweat dripping from your finger tips
All over again; my friend

It's a summer afternoon you can't recall
Writing on paper; trying to remember it all

Yeah, you can't bring her back

It's obviously near
All over again; my friend

It's a summer afternoon you can't recall
Writing on paper; trying to remember it all

Yeah, you can't bring her back

The skies took her within the wind
Like dust; all over again

Fields so empty make your heart stutter to feel
Blue eyes just mesmerized by something that couldn't heal
All over again; my friend

Expose You

You can take all you want

It comes back half the worth

You can decide to remind

If it's good enough; waste your life

I've seen the mark; it's written all over your lips

Ensue the fortunate and entrap their innocence

Cause that's all you can get; when you don't give a shit

All of this time I was out of my head

Lost in my misery and feeling dead

These are the days of the ignorant

I'm lifted like an angel when I forget

All the pain you let me feel

All the names you tried to kill

Eyes won't foresee what you've done in me

Twisted my story and fucked my friends

Looks like we're on another bad habit

Your name is glued to regret

Like a vixen; I'm ready to imprint

Arrows should never get across

With a face like yours; someone is bound to pay the cost

All of this time I was out of my head

Lost in my misery and feeling dead

These are the days of the ignorant

I'm lifted like an angel when I forget

All the pain you let me feel

All the names you tried to …

Take me away in this melody...

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I Fucked Up

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I don't care too much for the rest of her new album that's releasing soon but this song isn't too bad. It's not very Madonna but it's not too far from her Hard Candy days.

Breathing

Like water, it streams through my veins
The wind picks up and I hear his name secretly
I wonder if I'm doing the right thing
I wish that I wasn't feeling like I'm pretending
Cause I do, I do...
Believe in your faith

It's hard to turn off the bad in life
It's tough to realize what you don't need inside
It's great when things get better; you look more towards forever
But it can't prove you worthy of his might
Cause truthfully we'll never be right

For years I've been ashamed to let go
Afraid to voice my heart and open this window
Now it's gone; the air comes quicker
I can see it in these eyes in the mirror
I can do much better than I have
There's no point in looking back
When I'm still here breathing

Like a nurse, it creates a place I need
The happiness that love sometimes couldn't bring
I wonder if I'm doing the right thing
I wish sometimes that I could change everything
Cause I do, I do...
Believe in your name


For years I'…

Feels like home

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Below are a few photos I gathered of my little bitty hometown; Randleman. I've come to miss the place lately and remember such vivid memories; both good and bad in this town. While I dealt with some of the most intense bullying a child could have been offered; I also found parts of myself growing up that I never knew I could. I found out how to face adversity; to stamp your mark on the world; and to enjoy who you are because who you are is beautiful and no one should have power over that beauty but you.  In Randleman, being gay was tough. I was amongst one of the very very nil amount of kids who were at the time and I, amongst a lesbian at my local high school; was the only openly gay student within my school. The guy I felt for and secretly dated was in the closet until I moved away. I moved away in March of 2004-2005 just as I was beginning to find myself; to establish my place in the town; and to stand up for my rights as a student and as a person. I was so upset leaving;…

One of my fav drinking songs

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While it's never been a fantastic ballad or some revolutionary single; it's a song I like to play when I'm drinking because it puts me in a good mood. It simmers on times I've spent enjoying cool summer nights outdoors with my friends back home after spending a great day having a blast and enjoying some of life's most decadent moments. I recall of hot days with my friends; hanging out by the pool; tanning and swimming my cares away.
Ah, those were the days :)

It's a Fruit Loops kinda day

So, as I'm coughing up a storm today...reminiscing moments when I felt refreshed and dignified...I'm thinking to myself how we always end up comparing our love lives to our personal admirations. For example; I've always strived to find a classy guy because of the mannerisms that I saw as a child. I remember wishing to learn it; to impress people with it; and to be a gentlemen within the rest of my ecentric character that is Brandon aka Branni.

I've been attracted to tall men for sense of security; dark and handsome because of mystery; and foreign men because of learning experiences and the bonus of having something that I feared to never have. If someone had asked me when I was 13 or 14 if I were ever going to meet someone from Europe; I would have told them no and that they were wasting their time. It was 18 when I got that special something and I ended up taking to it like sugar.

The ettiquette that was proposed; the demeanor in his voice and language had inspired me…

Yikes!

As if it could get any worse; my roommate, is sick with the Flu too. Despite my efforts to disinfect daily, wear a mask for protection, wash my hands thoroughly often, and keep away from contact; he got sick as well.

That's the thing that sucks about this season; it's always beautiful outside but it's lethal on people like me. I've always had bad allergies and when you combine that with sicknesses that go around every year at this time; it's a pain in the bum to deal with.

I've been taking Tessalon (200mg) for cough and while it's not working as well as what I believe they are capable of providing; it's working in a sense of lowering the amount of coughing I've been doing. I couldn't afford Tamiflu because it's around $100 just for a small prescription of it. It's mainly because of all the pain killer they put in it. Instead; I've substituted it for Tylenol, and daytime cough syrup.

If I lived in Europe; I would have never needed …

Couldn't help it

I felt like coming back. If not for them; for me.

I've been sick lately; caught the stupid Flu and still battling it's adversity upon my body. The fever is gone at least but the cough is still pretty bad...my voice is scratchy...and my sinuses are acting up

I went to the ER the other night to get treatment for it; they didn't really have much options given that they didn't have the type of medications within their reach to give me for my specific situation. The good news is; it's not type C. I encountered the common Flu (type A) and I'm getting better at least. Slowly; but thankfully.

The most joyful moment of the experience though was seeing the hot nurse at the X-Ray lab...he had the most beautiful eyes and smile that one could ever dream of...so very European looking and yet all American at the same time. It reminded me of some time before when I pictured someone in their doctoral best and seeing them smile while they gave news that an open heart surgery we…

Today is the BIG day

My final post was posted. Today is the day when everything will be wiped clean. When I'll finally be free from the chains of my past and renewed by the idea of a positive future.

While many years were spent battling myself; addictions; woes; and struggles...this moment indicates a massive change for me...it's a chance to reinvent the wheel and revise what I've done in my life...a chance to start over for the better...to leave all my cares behind and to finally blossom....

I've debated this decision for some time now but it didn't dawn until recently how important of a decision it is for me to make. I didn't realize that I could gain so much more by doing this; that I could learn to love and respect better; that I could learn to let go.

This time; I'm truly letting go. This is the first place to delete. I'll worry of other places later but for now...I'll start with this place...it's spring time anyway; time to clean up some things before I take i…

Last words (Final post)

It stands before me
It breaks my scenery
It cleansed my history
It saved a piece of me

It kills the enemy
To see me smile
To see it was worth while

Sometimes the heart is your only weapon
Shot back is the man with no possessions
The smallest breath of self protection

So simple and free
(This lie is igniting)
Small drops of red
(These pains will keep fighting)
And all we ever were
All we ever had
And all we ever will
It shows where home is
There's a name written in my eyes
This ailment won't leave my side
Cause I'll be just fine
As long as I don't cry

It hurts
It doesn't know
It works
It doesn't show
Maybe if I kill off all the resemblance
I'd find another way to be a friend
Maybe if I changed into something
Something I never could be; just to keep them again


So simple and free
(This lie is igniting)
Small drops of red
(These pains will keep fighting)
And all we ever were
All we ever had
And all we ever will
It shows where home is
There's a name written …

IMPORTANT UPDATE

This blog will be deleted on Monday March 5, 2012 at 5:00 PM EST. It's been fun.
To follow me elsewhere; please visit me on Google+