Language?

February 29, 2012

Blog Posts via Google+

While others will tread on thin sheets of remorse or old memories; time is stopping for me to state that I can do better. I can expand on horizon's where people will truly listen to me and truly voice their opinions with me. I'm taking a new initiative in using Google+ as a mini-blog. Blogger lacks social connectivity that I otherwise have found widely using Google's social network. While many of the posts here will be left in memorium or as an archive of reflection. I'm leaving it to my followers to come follow me on Google+ instead. It's my new blog and one where I won't have neglect.

I love you all, even my haters. I hope to see some of you there. Adios baby ;)

February 28, 2012

My wedding song will be...


Since I was 11; I've been searching and searching for who sang this beautiful song. I used to sing along to it as a child and I remember blaring it every time it played on the radio. It was a song that I knew was more to me than any other song that was playing at the time over the soft rock channel that I had been addicted to. If you don't know what the soft rock channel played; it was a mixture of everything from 70s to 80s to modern hits and the 90s too. This song will definitely be played at my wedding because I know that when the time comes to speak of my love; this song will be the perfect embodiment of it.

February 27, 2012

It just never ends does it?

I went out on a date the other night; a first in a very very long time. Things went great; conversation was vivid and exciting, chemistry was certainly there, and for once; he didn't try to sleep with me on the first date. I'm patiently waiting on a response to a text I sent him a day or two ago but I forget sometimes how complicated it can be at the beginning.

He's Bisexual and we discussed his side with women. He told me that women never speak to him; I couldn't believe it because he's far more stunning than most of the men I've seen around here. I mean; he could model or be a pornstar; he's that stunningly gorgeous. His self esteem seemed low from it and it made me wonder; am I just someone for the moment that will keep him afloat or could there ever (even potentially) be something to work with?

He is the first guy I've ever had a romantic kiss on the first date; let alone a good one that ended the night in a great way. I went inside smiling like a little kid and feeling like my old self again. A person I've been begging to see for a LONG time. I'm afraid; very afraid of moving into this because I don't want to be disappointed at the outcome. I don't want to risk damaging myself again and turning cold and bitter because I was hurt by him. Yet, if this is right for me; I'll have to learn the gift of patience and remember that all good things come to those who wait.

I don't know, we'll just have to wait and see. Considering that I gave up just nights before; perhaps this is just a mere opportunity to seek out someone who I can spend time with. Someone that will want to hold me at night, talk to me about anything, and smile with me as we admire each other's delicate personalities. Ah, these are dreams baby. Dreams that I can only believe in for a little while.

Wish me luck. If it's meant to be; I'll have a glow to my skin soon.

February 24, 2012

Two songs I used to jam out to

Back when Deep House, Dubstep, and Clubby Techno songs were my vice.





Hypocritical

Call me a slut for wanting to cuddle with someone I've spoken to for a very long period of time. Call me a tramp for wanting to spend time with someone at all.

At least I'm not giving head to every guy that steps into my home and then calling it a relationship. I thought I had been scorned; clearly...I'm still faithful of love's ideals

February 23, 2012

My give a damn is busted

Last night, I got stood up by a guy that I had a lot of feelings for. We had been talking for awhile and well; one time is all it takes for me to realize that you don't want to pursue something stronger. As this was happening; I had a night full of drinking; and an italian guy who not only was talking over me but treated me like I was an object the entire time.

I felt alone, I felt like my spirit was about to be stolen from me but I woke up this morning and played a song from my playlist; God picked just the right song to lift me up and get me smiling again. See, you can stand me up all you want; disrespect me all you want; hate on me all you want but my spirit will still be strong in the morning. Today is gonna be different. I'm not gonna let this guy hurt me. I'm gonna pick myself up and get to living and loving my life baby!

Here's the song I heard; I'm not big on country but this song is lyrically on point with some of the emotions I felt last night. The key line of the song "my give a damn's busted" is what hits those places that say; I'm beautiful and I don't deserve to feel like nothing to someone I put faith into. Keep on keepin' on everyone. Don't let your spirit fall; you are amazing!

February 21, 2012

Takes me back to my childhood

I used to hear this song on the radio a lot. Shockingly enough; it's one of the hardest videos to find on the internet. Luckily; I found it on a dutch site called 123 Video. Thank you oh dutch video lords! :)

So drunkkkk

<3


February 20, 2012

So they say

Blue eyes are the most beautiful eyes and typical upon blondes. I'm not a blonde however and contrary to popular believe; brunettes have more fun. See, I love to party like the next one but I like a nice candle lit dinner, a glass of rose wine, and some soothing jazz playing in the background. I like those sweet moments when you feel loved just by the scent of fragrances and bath salts invigorating your home.

I have a liking to a guy I know. He's adorable, gorgeous too, but beyond that, his personality can't be beat. I can laugh more around him, I can let my guard down. I feel at ease and like the most beautiful soul in the world around him. The only downfall; he's taken. Yes, while I'm a great catch, sometimes I score on levels that even scientists can't compare. Nonetheless, it's great to have a crush on someone for a change; it's a clear reminder that not only do I still have it but I still have an interest in men.

Tonight; hopefully; will be a nice start to a grand ol' week day or two with my good friend Kevin. Kevin and I have known each other since I first moved here. While we're both equally bottoms; and many people have suspected us as play partners; it's never been like that and I'm perfectly satisfied by it. He's a sweet person, a caring person, and I admire him for his work with special needs children. I find that anyone who can put care in those less fortunate from us, is clearly more kindered than I. I care for the unjustified; those that have been hurt and cast out. I like to be the voice for those that can't be voices for their own.

Back in middle school, I had my bully days but I didn't always bully; I bullied however; only because of my afflictions with bullies. Still, I had a heart and I got past that phase after 6th grade when I realized that I wasn't right for hurting someone else and that I didn't want that to be the person I would be. There was a girl who no one wanted to be around because of her weight and the factor of her disorder. People would make fun of her and it always did something to me. I felt so sad for her, I wanted to see the hurt for her disappear because I knew that I had been done wrong and I wanted to help her. I befriended her one day in a walk past lockers in the hallway. I smiled politely and asked her if she wanted to meet me at my table during lunch; she said yes.

When lunch time came around and she came to my table where myself and my close friends were; a guy by our table noticed and tried to bully her. He called her ugly; fat; and at one point...a bitch

Given the loud mouth I was given at birth and the anger I had; I stood up in anger and cursed him out with a tone that even I was surprised by. See; for too long I was put under the rug like many others in my school and to see a girl who didn't even do anything wrong get wrongly treated was enough to make me realize that year that I wanted to be better myself and so I started from this moment. He of coursed threatened to fight me and I told him that fighting is stupid and if he thinks it would resolve his pathetic excuses; it won't. He never fucked with her again though I almost went to ISS (A place you go for being bad)

See, I did stick up for someone; it was just never...me

As a person who has had a rough life and went through a lot of tough situations; justice is something I value. My mother valued justice as well. I remember finding books and books on law, criminology, court cases, and so on in a box that my dad has in his closet before we moved. I asked him about it and he told me she was taking classes to become a criminal investigator? something along those lines. My mother was a beautiful person; she cooked; she read; she loved music and singing; and she loved me like no other mother ever could have. While I miss her; even at my age. I'm thankful that God gave grace upon her and brought her home. I know that she would be smiling and laughing with me if she were still here and for that; I can smile knowing that my heart is with hers.

So when someone get's you down...or does something hurtful and even if they didn't realize it...don't hold it against them...learn to smile...because even in gray; a little color can always bleed through and for the one who loves to follow and unfollow; yes...I'm calling you out...if you're trying to get my attention...please, just talk to me...I promise I won't bite and I'm not an evil witch or whatever; so seriously...just speak :)

<3

I Am Where It Takes Me

Beautiful composition. Very new age however but nonetheless; beautiful.


A song from a band that I used to be infactuated with. This was back in my punk era. While I'm slightly beyond that these days; this song brings swift memories of my friend Kate and how much I loved spending time with her and Davok.

<3

Really?

Make up your mind.
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Damn it... :)

February 19, 2012

Rarely do this but I had to

So today, I got a little bit bored and started browsing the Android Market for a walkie talkie app since it was brought to my attention last night through my friend Kevin that you can do it on Android phones.

It's called Blip.me :)

The app is only half the story however. I got up with a close friend from school and found out that she's a Leo herself! Small world; we're both Leo's and we were never able to part...never fought over anything either...guess two Leo's together can work given the standing between each other :)

Regardless, I'm having a blast catching up on things and gawking over our celeb crushes (mine is Hugh Jackman; her's is Pitbull)

Ah...I love my life...you just never know how good it gets unless you stick around...so to those who want to give up; DON'T...it's worth the wait...believe me; I am proud to have waited...I'm finally getting what I want in life and happiness is only a small percent of the greatness that's before me lately :)

Well, gots to go boosky's ;)

Muah muah <3

This song is sure to bring a little inspiration ;)

As I tell everyone now; love yourself. Only you truly know what you like and who you are. Enjoy it because you can never leave yourself and YOU can't disappoint yourself without forgiveness. Keep all the positives in life; they're absolutely worth it! :)

Have a listen to this song if you get down; I'm certain that you will be inspired to smile and to start treating yourself with the respect you know you deserve. Love is a beautiful thing baby <3

PS: I included another one that inspires me; just in case you find a liking to it rather than the first song I've embedded in this here post ;)



Two posts ago

Marked my 300th post! :)

While I never had an intent on goals in terms of the amount of posts I would celebrate for; I have reason to celebrate this number. It's the most posting I've ever done over the span of a couple years. See, I used to only post maybe once every 5-15 days and sometimes I would wait months and months before returning. This is a very nice accomplishment!

To celebrate; I will be having a very delicious treat and possibly gather myself a nice iced coffee on my way back to my place today. In case some of you were wondering; yes I've moved but it's not to say it's forever, I just felt it was time to free the flock and make ends meet else where.

PS: I don't like weddings. I'm wearing beautiful nails and makeup; if someone is unaccepting of my beauty; please...just leave it be ;) no time to be unhappy babyy <3

I love you all <3

February 18, 2012

A treat for myself

It's a first for me to ever have a pampered moment and today; Charlie did something very sweet and special for me. I got my first EVER; french manicure :)

Here's some photos:



As you can see; this bitch is now fabulous, fierce, and dashingly beautiful ;) yes, you see. I kept a huge part of myself behind barriers but after Love Yourself Day happened; I became a true feline :) beautiful boyfriend not included ;)

Happiness is an affirmation away

So recently I was bombarded with a little encounter. I met a guy who was a friend of my roommate. He seems cool; he's a Taurus; and he's...Italian

Not sure how this would ever possibly work considering my experience with this before but hopefully some good will come of it.

Chris (the one I know from school) apparently was trying to reach me but when I finally reached out to him; he was almost incoherent to my call. I don't know if he wants to pursue me or not but I'm not waiting around for some guy who can't figure out what he wants in life. I know what I want; please...know what you want

Spending a lovely weekend with my family. It's been awhile since I've had quality time here at home with my mom, dad, and the whole gang :)

I've missed them so much and it will do me well to be here for the entire weekend rather than just a couple hours at a time.

Things are looking up finally. I got what I wanted on Valentine's Day; the experience of finally loving myself more and while I'm not completely there yet; I know that I truly have love for myself this time. Even when I look a little less; I feel amazing. I'm smiling for no reason lately; I feel a glow on my skin; I feel like I'm finally happy. Like I have a life without even having to fight for it. Things are just....better :) much much much better :)

Regardless of people's idea of me; I will carry on because I know that I'm a beautiful; amazing person with a lot to offer. I have a lot of talents; a lot of great qualities; and I'm a fun person to be around. Anyone that can't see that isn't able to get past their own judgments and I say to them; love yourself more and then you'll see the rest in front of you when it's ready.

I love you all <3


February 17, 2012

Family

Times like today remind me of how great family is. I'm so glad to have a loving family that won't misguide me. May every family be radiant.

February 16, 2012

Lie to me

Put the heart in a bag
Wrap up those moments we had
Got to tell you where I'm at
I'm never comin' back

Break the world with linen and lace
Street walkers fallen from grace
You're not good until you're replaced
That's why I'm never given you my faith

Breathing into me
These love letters sent for free
I'm tired of your honesty
Won't you, won't you
Just lie to me

Light up the cigarette and rewrite regrets
Start a fight cause you're not impressed
Got to figure out what's beneath your chest
I'm never letting to get the best

Breathing into me
These love letters sent for free
I'm tired of your honesty
Won't you, won't you
Just lie to me

Valentine's Day

I, cried over it a thousand times
I, wished and wished but it never would find...me

I'll, I'll be the one that won't cope, please
Don't, don't patronize me with no, if you see

Could, could you stop for a minute to breathe
Cause I couldn't believe

Looked in the mirror today
I found a piece of me I didn't keep
That face staring back at me
Smiling cause he knows that he is free
Love is more than some guy you know
It never makes you feel invisible
While I was busy trying to fit in
I found love in myself; that I never did

I, changed the words to a song...to fit to my heart
I, used to hate life for all the good things...died

Now, I see beyond my eyes
With light I can see the right

Looked in the mirror today
I found a piece of me I didn't keep
That face staring back at me
Smiling cause he knows that he is free
Love is more than some guy you know
It never makes you feel invisible
While I was busy trying to fit in
I found love in myself; that I never did

Walk, walk that thin line close to heaven
Talk, talk negative words of redemption

It's not easier to be apart from the rest
But it's better than living, like I'm not the best

Looked in the mirror today
I found a piece of me I didn't keep
That face staring back at me
Smiling cause he knows that he is free
Love is more than some guy you know
It never makes you feel invisible
While I was busy trying to fit in
I found love in myself; that I never did

I found love in myself (that I never did)

On Valentine's Day; I finally got my wish
You see, I didn't want to be lonely, wishing he could forgive; me
Mirrors reflect the voice you hold; I'm ready to unfold
I found love in myself; that I never known
With this light, my soul will carry on
Without you, I finally found home

February 15, 2012

Music

Music won't leave you alone on Valentine's Day
Music never makes you feel less than
Music won't lie to you or hide from you it's true nature
Music doesn't treat you poorly because of the past
Music holds no judgment of your former mistakes
Music won't hurt you when you need to be lifted
Music won't disrespect you
Music won't make you lie awake feeling hopeless
Music doesn't cut you out of a social circle
Music doesn't run away from you
Music won't play games with your mind
Music doesn't pretend to be something it's not
Music is always there
Music gives you space when needed
Music won't fail your heart
Music doesn't sleep around and cheat on you
Music is unconditional
Music is free spirited


From the second album

This one was my favorite. I guess the whole album was really but this one was merely the greatest song for me at the time given the fact that I just got dumped by a guy I felt strongly for; you're young...you fall for the wrong guys...it happens; right?

Anyway, here's my jam from that moment:

One of my favorite albums back in high school

It all started with Avril for me. She was my inspiration to write music. She was my voice in 8th grade.

This song itself held a lot of respect to me because I truly felt it. Sometimes, I still do.

February 14, 2012

UPDATED: Got a new blog

So I've decided to expand my horizons and start a new blog. It's a private and personal blog where I can rant and say what I want to really say but without the added bonus of getting cursed out by someone over how I feel.

I'm debating on posting here still or if maybe I should make it public again, since the new blog will be where this blog can't be taken. I don't really understand the concept of making me feel like crap all the time; following and unfollowing me like someone who just lost their cool but beyond that; this is a decision that I've had time to think over and it's time to start back at one again.

I thought that this would be a great way of privacy but I neglected to remember I can have it all if I want to. I can have my public blog and a private blog which I will use as a personal diary.

While love is beautiful; rubbing it in someone's face isn't and remember to all you love birds out there; consider your single friends when they're down. You know you wouldn't want to be left out of the bubble if it came down to just you. I forgot to mention this little bit in the last post earlier but it's fair for me to point that out considering a lot of bitter souls are walking around tonight; sad...lonely...and wishing they had what some of those smiling faces had

Well, time for me to go. This bitch is tired and I'll be damned if some guy is going to fuck that up. I need my beauty sleep and well; this beauty isn't for you...it's all for me baby ;)

Adios!

Happy "Love Yourself" Day

So while all of your friends are out showing off their crazy boyfriends and dramatic woes. Sit back and relax in the ambiance of who you are. Embrace the changes, the thoughts, the dreams of you. It's all about you today and forget what everyone else is thinking. See, boyfriends are not forever but YOU are forever. You can never part ways with yourself and that's where "Love Yourself" day is from. It's the one remixed day of the year when you can truly pamper and spoil yourself.

Needing a man is like needing a cigarette; girl...put that thing out and get with the flavor...cause while he's out with his boys like he normally does or sucking face with his "one and only"...you could be dine for two on a luxury of Godiva chocolates (just for you) and a relaxed comedic movie; your choice and all drinks will be on the house ;)

Who ever says that love is what Valentines is about is surely not looking at the true picture. It was mostly about the cards. Yes, the cards are what started it all but you don't have to fret over those. Today is your moment to relax, get settled, and enjoy a smooth breeze of calming tones and melodies and a true look at yourself from a positive perspective. Love is all you need; a man is just temporary baby.

February 13, 2012

Remember Whitney





She was such a beautiful soul. I will miss her until the day I die :'(

February 12, 2012

One should know

With every good deed you give; great reward follows. So for my stance of trying to make someone happier in life; I'll eventually be happier because of it and if not; that's what therapy exists for. So Dr. (puts name here); schedule my visits now before it's too late because I have a hell of a long story to tell you!

For now, I leave a little piece of encouragement to those broken and bitter folks out there. Rise up and be heard; celebrate you and your beautiful radiance because you are amazing and anyone who belittles that is belittling a piece of heaven.



Words only hurt to the bone

I've been learning lately that what I have to say sometimes comes out harsh and a bit sheen on negative presence; even when I try not to have such an experience between myself and the other party.

I had a long conversation with my roommate about this and took a moment to myself later to reflect on my behavior prior to our debate. I felt that I was being wrongly done but not realizing that I was actually doing something far more intense than I ever did to anyone. I belittled my best friend. Something I swear never to do if I can even just fathom the thought of not doing so.

It's not just me though; I've bumped into harshness through other means and it's a rough patch trying to avoid confrontation. Leo's are never good with confrontation and we absolutely despise it. 

I'm supposed to be a forgiving sign because this is what astrology states about my sign but in the least; I've never truly seen this act of kindness really become a full expression for many people. We waste our lives away with petty arguments, dramatic woes, and never realize that we are in fact taking life for granted. What if it were down to just you and that other person and all there was, was a conversation to be had that potentially stemmed (even the slightest bit) a spark of forgiveness between two consenting individuals?

Would you take it? Would you wait until their death to realize that you took time for granted and that your forgiveness is essentially what can set your soul free but you decided never to let go?

This is a bit of what I learned the other night. I learned in myself that I'd rather forgive someone countless times and have a few flaws, then to live life knowing that I never tried to better the situation involving this emotion. I'd rather know on my death bed that I did something positive in my life than to have resisted the chance to repair not just the other party; but...myself

So to all of the people out there today who hold grudges (big or small) and to those out there who take life for granted everyday (knowing they could die at any given minute) - Live unconditionally. Love unconditionally. Speak unconditionally. 

You just never know how much hurt can be repaired if you don't buck up to the pressure and find the source of your forgiveness. Forgiveness inhibits love. Love inhibits freedom. Go find it.

February 11, 2012

R.I.P Whitney Houston

It's always sad losing a great entertainer and this one strikes a chord with me because not only did I idolize Whitney as a teen but I looked up to her in some ways. She had such a rough life but she chased her dream and she made some amazing music in her days.

I still remember when "I Will Always Love You" came out and when she starred in "Bodyguard". I would sit for hours as a kid, listening to her voice and dreaming about hitting her high notes. She was a true queen to me during those times. While everyone else wanted Michael; I was still wanting Whitney instead.

I'm going to miss you Whitney. I'm going to miss your beautiful voice, strong spirit, and seeing your beautiful smile light up the screen. You will never be forgotten.

Love you girl! :'(

Reminder

My blog will be going private at 9:45pm EST tonight.

Please remember to join my site using the follower button located on both the top black bar and to the right of my postings.

You have until then to join. Otherwise you will have to email me to obtain an invite to access my posts.

Thank you for your time everyone. I love you guys and thanks for hearing me out, even when I'm a hot mess.

With love from here to beyond,
Branni

You just don't understand

I hurt you but two hurts don't heal one being. Drop it.

Always get the party started

;) hollaaa haha


My bitches ;)

Life would be hell without you guys. Love ya!


Oh Audrey...

Love you girl :)


February 10, 2012

Map it baby ;)

So I recently spoke to a friend of mine who lives in Bedfordshire UK. We've been great friends for a long time now and well, he sent me his address so I could see where he lives. I looked on Google Maps for about 15-20 minutes admiring the common view.

It was much like how we live here. I didn't see much difference other than the design of the cars that sat on the roads and in the drive way. It was refreshing to know that it isn't that much of a shock to live there. It's no different than any other place.

It's like my conversation with a polish girl at my school the other day; her name is Dee Dee (not too sure about the spelling) but she told me that in Poland; it's not that much different from here either. They have different languages of course but other than that; the people; the lifestyle; scenery is for the most part the same.

I can't help but be happy in knowing this because I will be honest; I was fearful of ever visiting at one point considering how much of a cultural change it could be for me but I hope that someday I'll see some of these places that I've mapped. I hope to walk down the road and bump into someone I knew from afar or maybe spot someone I admired once in a dream. Ah, the possibilities.

February 9, 2012

His words

So I talk to a guy who I've hooked up with in the past but tonight he and I were talking and he mentioned dating possibly. I'm a little off struck by it but at the same time; flattered.

I can't help but worry about the outcome if we did decide to but I'm excited too because he's a perfect match according to my astrology charts. I get a long with Libra people a lot more than most of the other signs; Sagittarius is my most compatible and most similar sign too.

I guess it's safe to take a chance if it pops up but even if it never happens, to know that I still have it, is enough to make me feel amazing and confident again. Thank you Keith. You're a genuine sweetheart and you're making me smile already. I need more people like you around me.

UPDATE: Blog privacy


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If you're hating me; do it honestly

I'm going to make my blog more private soon. So if you want to stay (because you love me like that) - please don't remove yourself from the list. Otherwise; do your thing.

I don't judge most people if I can help it, so please don't judge me. I'm tired of it. Judge me based on my writings and what I feel but at the end of the day; I'm honest and I believe honesty sets one free. Nice or not; I'm human and so are you. Let's be kind; shall we?

I've had some time to grow as a person since the last time I had a falling out with someone. Yes; we're talking about the terrible awful herself but regardless of such; my judgments are no longer valid in the notion that I don't pay that any mind anymore. I'm a different person than I used to be.

I guess music has had a major role in that; gearing up in school and working on assignments. I've managed to help my friend Charlie with a few of his computer class assignments and he's passed them all. I need a GED for something I can already ace? yeah; right. I still concur however.

Regardless of repeating patterns; this bird has flown. I want to thank the people that have hated on me though; if it wasn't for you...I would have never got back in school...learned what good I really am...known that I am beautiful as I am...and that I don't deserve to be treated wrongly; no one should ever be done in such ways.

No longer will I dwell on the past either. I've been tired for years because of it. I can't do that to myself anymore. It's not fair to my future self. I want better. I will have better.


There's a new sign in town

There is a new sign called Ophiuchus. Seriously; what kind of sign name is that? Sounds like a disease of some sort. Just thought I'd put that out there.

Contrary to updates; I'm going to remain a Leo until I die. So to the guy who wants to change everything. Stop trying to be a genius. It is what it is; get used to it.

Here's a list of the new zodiac sign alignments (if they were being implemented of course):

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18- May 13
Taurus: May 13- June 21
Gemini: June 21- July 20
Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20



To my ex; looks like you would now be an Aries and your wonderful one would be a Leo still; lucky.


UPDATE: Don't panic, horoscope fans. The Ophiuchus constellation is used by astronomers, while astrologers choose not to include it.

February 7, 2012

Keep the key

My heart is like a storage unit
It holds and holds until it has to be emptied

It's a boyfriend you can't get over
It's a hurt that you don't understand
It's a family member you've lost
It's a goal you've waited years to reach
It's a fight you've won after battling it for 5 years
It's a dream you've decided to hide for too long
It's an addiction you've finally got past
It's a situation you've deployed in honor

My heart is a universe
It breathes the things it's endured
It follows where it can live
Dies when it's afraid
Reassures itself when it's at rock bottom
It's only so much

You can keep the key
Just don't forget me
Still; I'll be beating

Sometimes

I wish I weren't gay. Maybe it would be easier to deal with the adversity at times or maybe I would actually feel sane. Respect is genderless; it holds no grudge; and it's forgiving. Without those keys; the heart is a burial ground. I think that's the one thing I've learned over the years. It took me a while but I believe every word of it. Still, what would it be like to wake up being something your parents won't just tolerate?

What would it be like to not fall into this fake idea that because your gay you have to act like your a slut when your not? When you realize in the mirror that you don't have to portray this behavior to be liked anymore because being yourself is all you can do. It's the only way to set yourself free. To learn from your mistakes and find yourself at ease at night when you've come close to the edge. That place where you understand that regardless of everyone else; you are beautiful just the way you are.

Your a great person and you do have a heart underneath the defenses. My walls are coming down slowly again and this time it's not because of a guy. It's not because my eyes were opened. It's because I want to be free. I want to feel something more than just love or hate or happiness. I want it all.

She'll express me at times and it scares me

The most beautiful song I've heard Kelly sing

February 6, 2012

Work

Yes, it's gonna get there.

I have to say it because it's what you don't want to hear

You weren't left for no reason; you were left because you cause everyone around you strife Matty. No one wants to deal with it. You treat people like they're worthless in your little masterpiece of a manipulation and then you expect the world to give you a break? You can't get by in life on hellos and goodbyes.
It's time for you to grow up and realize that you DON'T have to repeat the pattern of your mother; that you can be a more mature and real person than you were before and one that is respected; not felt sorry for because feeling sorry will never fix your problems. It will only feed them even more and make your weakness stronger. Repeating the same pattern won't change you; it only shows how low you've dropped over the years and how pathetic your behavior is seen in the eyes of those on the outside of you. 
Stealing someone's boyfriend from them isn't right either and it comes back on you; everything bad that you do. Do you want to lose everything you have in an instant because someone runs game on what you have? NO. You've judged me for years; put me down; lied to me; manipulated your way into getting what you wanted out of me and you've pulled the same maneuvers that you've done on a lot of your enemies on me; someone you claimed to care about and have respect for. I seen that not long ago; I have to stand up for myself to prove to you that I won't be walked over and that I'm not one of those people who will feel sorry for you because I know that you have to help yourself before someone else can help you. 
I know that you had a few rough patches in life but you need to realize that you're not the only one who has had hell in their life. Everyone deals with some form of adversity at some point; so you're nothing new to that. You're closer to 30 now and you need to look outside of the drugs; the promiscuity; and the trash talk and see the person you were supposed to be. This isn't you and it shouldn't have been to begin with. Everyone has a choice to make in life. Feel horrible forever or get up and make your life better yourself; it's time you take that charge and go for the positives in life; negativity is what brought you down to the point you are at now and no one wants to hang around negative people. 
Grow up and then maybe people will stay. If not; you won't ever truly find happiness until you know that life doesn't revolve around you. You revolve around life.

February 4, 2012

Home

Youth
Adult
Grown up
Let go

Shine
Dull
Fixed up
Untold

Street lights come on
I've seen this place before
In magazines; in my dreams
But it's not the same as it was

High
Low
In between
Didn't know

Fire
Wind
Storms
Again

In this car we drive by
I've missed this scenery caught on the side of my eyes
In letters and telephone calls it would ring
But it's not the same as it used to be

Home

Put out the candle
Pack up those bags
Wish it was easier
To never look back
I'm going away soon
I'll send my regards
With my picture
You're there in my heart

But it's not the same; as it was

February 3, 2012

Adele

So I put it off long enough but I finally grabbed a copy of her 21 album. I love it so far. Her new single "Set Fire to the Rain" is beautiful to me. I can't stop singing along to it. I can't help that I feel her music because a lot of it is reminiscent of how I feel or how I've felt in the past. So much art in her music and so much emotion. You can truly feel her soul put in it and I admire her greatly for that. I'm no longer a Taurus hater and I find myself talking to more of them these days.

It's good to find the positives in their sign. There are some really sweet and great people out there and some are Taurus'. For so long I was so hurt that I rebelled against anything to do with their sign because I felt like it was the sign; not the person I was attached to for too long. I'm happy for you and I hope that you have an amazing future; I know I will eventually because I've learned the hard way that you either have someone by your side or you get to have yourself and you know what? It's a great thing either way.

I'm learning more about myself now than I ever was before I turned 22. Having a friend that is honest and tells me the reality as he sees it; well, it's absolutely helpful in the process of me letting up the things I've been through and deciding for myself that I have what it takes to make something special out of this life I've been given. I'm pessimistic; optimistic; and just plain crazy. I change too much and I jump emotions like it's a movie sometimes but I know where my heart lies and it's where it should be at this point. I know that I will get what I want eventually. I'll get that amazing love life and a great career; I just have to find me for a change instead of trying to find this amazing man. Love is a beautiful thing but right now; it's not ready for me and I'm not ready for it.

February 2, 2012

Finding Love

Would you have my hands still
No movement so I can feel
Bird sings a choir of something I've heard
I wish that things would coerce

Would you stop the lights from fading
No signs of the telephone ringing
Cars drive right by and I'm still alive
I wish that I could find out why

No one wants a sad face
No one will be the one to replace
You've got to hold your head strong
You've got to know your still someone
And I know
I'm not alone
And I know
I'm not letting go
Cause if it's the last thing I'll do
I'm gonna find my love in you

Would you start a composure of
No minimal days where they want to degrade us
British loves and alley ways didn't save your hand
I wish that I could take it back

Would you clear off the shelves
No pictures that I can tell
Friends come and go and sex sells
I wish that I could be known

No one wants a sad face
No one will be the one to replace
You've got to hold your head strong
You've got to know your still someone
And I know
I'm not alone
And I know
I'm not letting go
Cause if it's the last thing I'll do
I'm gonna find my love in you

Anyway

I'll get older
I'll be a little colder
Till this heart isn't breaking
Till this place isn't shaking

I'll be honest
I'd rather be dead
Than to deal with this in my head

I'll count down the nights
The times when I don't get it right
Just to see that I can't change
I can't be what you expect of me

Last time I saw you
I was too hurt to care
I was afraid to share
My heart isn't but one
I don't know what you want
So don't make me pay
Just say you love me anyway

I'll breathe
When I'm a little less obscene
I'll see
I'll see a face before you
But you'll never see me
You'll never need me

I'll try
To build a world where
I'm alright
It's not that easy when your young
When your neglected by the gun

Last time I saw you
I was too hurt to care
I was afraid to share
My heart isn't but one
I don't know what you want
So don't make me pay
Just say you love me anyway