Language?

January 31, 2012

Gay

"To be happy or jolly"

So if I'm "Gay"...why am I neither of it's defined traits?

I think our community is smart enough to know better vocabulary choices than a word that isn't universal.

Glovebox

Standing in the window
A sight to see
She dances like snow
A drifter by the sea

Love is a glovebox
Fills up with your thoughts
Go ahead and judge me like you do
Someday it'll come right back to you

I am hopeful
But only for a minute babe
I am stronger
Cause you walked away

Street lights by the corner
Doctor says I don't have long
He dances like the rain
A drifter of his name

And if you hear the music
As it makes you take pace
And if you can seduce it
Those small moments can't go to waste

I am hopeful
But only for a minute babe
I am stronger
Cause you walked away

Standing in the window
A sight to see
She dances like snow
A drifter by the sea

With her synthetic hair
Red cherry lips and Fred Astaire
She's used to this fresh wind
As she tries not to sin again; saying

I am hopeful
But only for a minute babe
I am stronger
Cause you walked away

Standing in the window
A sight to see
She dances like snow
A drifter by the sea

In need of a helping hand
A man that no one would take of again
She's the only one listening
While her blood is still going
In need of a sacred chance

Love is a glovebox
Fills up with your thoughts
Go ahead and judge me like you do
Someday it'll come right back to you

Good Enough

It's not the same as you say
Feeling like an underdog
Cause you just can't be who you want to be
And still everybody is laughing at you
I'm not supposed to feel ashamed
To wear my lips and say my name
But I suppose it works; if it keeps the pain away
Knowing that I will never be good enough


One Life

Sunlight; seeps in
Your voice; creeps in
Reminds me of better days
When the world wasn't so cruel to me

If it's hurting it never stops
Sometimes life is like a clock
Counting down to the end
You wish you could do it again
If it's great it surely dies
A lot of love but too many tears to hide
What good is it?
When you only get one life

The wind blows
Through again
And all I see are pavements
Full of sad friends

Do they know how to exhale?
Close my eyes and it never fails
That it rewinds back to you


If it's hurting it never stops
Sometimes life is like a clock
Counting down to the end
You wish you could do it again
If it's great it surely dies
A lot of love but too many tears to hide
What good is it?
When you only get one life

Sunlight; seeps in
Your voice; creeps in
Reminds me of better days
When the world wasn't so cruel to me

If it's hurting it never stops
Sometimes life is like a clock
Counting down to the end
You wish you could do it again
If it's great it surely dies
A lot of love but too many tears to hide
What good is it?
When you only get one life
When you only get one life

(What good is it?)
When you only get one life
(Sunlight; seeps in)
Reminds me of better days
(Your voice; creeps in)
When the world wasn't so cruel to me

January 30, 2012

What's love?


So here lately I've been worrying about my future love life a bit. I know; I've went on and on about this before but it's more of a matter of where I am as a person and where I should be to get that guy I want to have.

I keep thinking that maybe a compromise of my personal style is in order. Perhaps I should try to be more boyish and ditch some of the girly things about me. Would this cure my broken heart? Would that make me worth someones time again?

Searching for the right guy doesn't work and I know that but I realized that if I never make a compromise; I might not ever get anyone to find any interest in me. The other night I found that I'm a great person to be around because I'm a lot of fun and I can make people laugh; Kevin laughed his ass off and even complimented my singing when I killed it on "If I Were A Boy" but still, it was a realization of unattraction that killed me a little bit because I want to be wanted. I want to be desired but by people who will actually find a liking to the normal me and not just the girly me.

So what should one do? Will I ever mean something more than just a few laughs and great conversation? Who will I discover at the end of the day?

January 27, 2012

Rules of a non-conformist gay by Branni & Charles


1. Don't talk about your boyfriend like he's food; men are more than steak.

2. Keep your career to yourself; no one cares if you tweet or twat "OMG have to copy my own papers at work". (If your assistant has to do all the work; you don't deserve the job)

3. Techno does not include Katy Perry, Tegan & Sara, or The Veronicas; start up Pandora quickly before you vomit. If you listen to Every Rose Has It's Thorn on repeat in the dark while drinking, take the CD out; break it in half and slit your wrists with it.

4. Gay is not a definition and if it was; it would mean happy, jolly, or joyful; none of you bitches are like that. It is just a word...you know; like, "girl" or "fuck off".

5. Being a fashionista, may just mean that you're just fashioned for easter. Look at Lady Gaga's egg.

6. Quit fucking playing Poker Face. Half of you can't even play poker anyway or keep a man for that matter.

7. Stop sporting your STD's like boyscout badges. Middle aged tramps are not cute and stop acting like your God's gift. The last gift you were given was herpes.

8. If you have AIDS; my heart goes out to you but if you are one of those people running around fucking other people without a condom transmitting it; you deserve it and I hope it's painful. Jerk.

9. Having a man doesn't make you who you are; being who you are will make you a man. Gay or not.

10. Yelling in a diva like style doesn't make you a diva. It makes people around you go deaf. Shut the hell up and learn volume control. People like that are not southern belles; they are swamp queens.

11. Thou shalt not covet thou friends man and if thou does; thou shalt cut a bitch.

12. Matching everything doesn't make you look cool; it makes you look helpless.

13. If your penny loafers don't have pennies in them; throw them out.

14. If you wear penny loafers; you will probably never get laid or end up selling your soul to satan to kill time. (Throw them out anyway)

15. Having a little dog like Paris Hilton isn't cool; it makes you look like you put your baby in a purse. (Whatever; seriously, who wants to walk around with a purse full of dog shit all day?)

16. Quit turning your nose up at everybody. Your neck is exposed and hopefully somebody chops you in it.

17. Just because you can't read; doesn't mean you have to read people. It makes you look like a bitch and nobody will help you learn. Believe me; you are not the exception to the rule.

18. My fellow gays; quit claiming to be nymphomaniacs. It's a serious problem and most of them have sex offenses or been accused of sex crimes. (If you're slutty; just fucking say it)

19. Stop leaving your condoms on the damn floor. This isn't 1995 when Courtney Love played Larry Flynt's wife. Put the shit in a damn can. Ok? Do you wanna be the next Kurt Cobain?

20. If you have children; it's acceptable to be covered in glitter but if you don't, quit putting it all over your fucking face. It is for children's pictures and trashy drag queens clothing only.

Disclaimer: Remember these are not official rules. If you choose to follow them; so be it. If not; to hell with you. This is strictly two people's opinions from the things they have encountered in their lives. In no way do these statements have anything to do with any individual one persons; any similarities are completely coincidental. We hope everybody has learned something. Have a nice read.

Solar activity

So there have been a significant amount of solar flares lately. I've been talking to Charlie about it and well if it keeps in the direction that it's going; we could all be dead from radiation seeping into our ozone layer and tearing it apart; rendering our planet to be hot like a microwave and incinerating everything.

I'm not sure if I believe it to be entirely true but it's a scary thought to think about. To think that I could die at 23 this year because of what science claims. It does make you wonder however; how long do we have left here before we no longer exist in this dimension? How long will it be before we see the fall of our humanity?

January 22, 2012

Get Good again...


:/

I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask for?

Grey

Hands tied
Candles ablazed
Circles drawn
Turn the page
I was too young
I was afraid
Speaking in words
Didn't mean what I'd say

Black clothes
Painted nails
Eyeliner
Novels for sale
Rebellious ways
Tempted faith
Always alone when
People would stay
I believe
I believe
I believe
In something else
In something else

Depressed eyes
Love was a lie
Sick in the head
Playing it dead
Just to fit into a mold
Someone told me to let go
I almost went to the fire
A place I never really desired

Cold lips
Burnt finger tips
Would it matter if I died?
Teardrops
Sweet rain
Would it make it disappear; if I had never made mistakes?

I believe
I believe
I believe
In something else
In something else

Short but long hair
Tight converse walking
Relationship fails
When the moon I am stalking
Looking beyond what happened
Putting his hands on me
Couldn't protect my innocence
He took that away
That's why I'm crazy

I never felt like I fit
I never knew better than this
I just went with the flow
I had no other place to go
I was a distance in my own
I never wanted any worse
I felt like I was cursed
That's why I'm still without

Paying for it

Pretty face; with your lies
Content with making me cry
I miss the joy that once could stay
The person that wouldn't break
I look at glass and hate my past
Pretty eyes; with your tears
Content with making me fear
I miss the joy of loving selflessly
The person who would always smile
I look at the paper and question why
Why with your wild touch must I regret
Regret the people I've let hurt me
When they were just there to dissect
I look at the sky with it's blue haze
To realize that I don't deserve to pay
That no one deserves to pay
For love


January 21, 2012

Lovely music


Second class

There are many times when I feel like I am less than of a person because I've had people around that made me feel like I was. I know I'm above those feelings but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I find it disturbing how many people actually will do this. It's such a cruel way to treat someone. To make them feel like they deserve nothing better. To make them feel so stupid and low. It's unfair.

I hope that the next time I go out on a date; I'm not treated like I'm supposed to compete with the rest of the world just to feel like I mean something to you.

January 20, 2012

Make up your mind

Either you're on my side or you're opposite. Last night apparently had a lot of interesting details that I didn't even know happened. Apparently; I slept with the one person I can't stand hardly; and.......a girl

Yes, a fucking girl. My queer ears are stunned at this very image. I got into a fist fight with Matty because I felt like I was being attacked (everyone agreed I did what I should have to defend myself) but I still feel bad knowing now that I did this or the fact that I couldn't handle myself more maturely than I did. Words were exchanged and next thing I knew I was on the bathroom floor having a heart to heart with Sidney; the girl. I also sent two drunken texts to two douchebags (guys I can't bare to deal with) that in return treated me like an ill aquaintance. I said quite a few funny things too; I told Matty her penis was deformed and it made Charlie laugh. Charlie tells me I was quite a great entertainment last night; very comical. So I can rest my head knowing I brought a little joy to my friends at least.

I have a new ring on my hand. One of which I've never seen before nor have had any knowledge of being placed upon my finger. For what reason it's there is beyond me but hopefully I didn't get married or something; that would be tragic. Can you imagine me married? I sure can't.

I'm so hungover right now though and I need to take today as a day of clarity and renewal. I got every bit of my thought out last night with Matty. I told her how I felt and how she has made me feel. I felt like a second class to her for so long so it was only a matter of time that I would go crazy and start beating on her. My actions don't constitute for anything right though but I stand my ground. I'm proud of myself in the notion that I finally stood up for myself. A hard thing for a Leo to do sometimes given all the pride and what not.

It's one of those days


January 19, 2012

I have to talk about it

I have judged when I know I wouldn't want to be judged.
I've been cruel and snobby when I wouldn't want to be treated as such.
I've lied when I haven't wanted to be lied to.
I've kept in things that could hurt someone because I wouldn't want them to hurt.

This is me. I take responsibility for it. I'll be a better person because I'll learn from it.

Celebrate

Taking a nice moment out tonight to celebrate my success in school lately with Charlie. We're both doing well in school. It feels so liberating to do this on my own. To know that I am not a nobody. That I'm not a failure after all. I am worth something.

So, to this..I will drink a few lemon drops (my new favorite drink) and enjoy myself. I deserve it and I've come far from my mistakes made. I'm finally going somewhere.

Ghost

I never fit into the mold
Society has no soul
My brain is wired and I'm getting sold
Didn't really have a place to go
Didn't think about what I would do
Now that I'm not falling; I'll pull through
If it's the last attempt I take to get back to truth




A little screenshot for progress

So I wanted to post this out of pure conceit. Yes; I deserve to splurge a little bit here because I have never done this well on ANY Math lesson much less this many. Have a look! :)


Finally learning

Today was great.

I scored so well on my math lessons. I started working with a new program called SkillsTutor on the computer at school and I have to say; best choice I've made all year so far. The lessons are detailed the way I like it and I'm actually learning.

Things are looking pretty bright so far. I got a lot of 100's and 90 somethings today. The teacher is really kind to me; she's very helpful and she's been teaching me how to do my basic math that I've had such a hard time with.

I felt so stupid for such a long time because everyone else could multiply and divide and I was stuck wishing I knew how to do it but now I feel much better considering that I've done well in my learning. I'm making such progress and I am fucking proud of it!

Thank you Coastal and Thank you Mrs. Morton for your help. I'll have that GED in no time!

She

Envious; eyes
Glorious; nights
Beautiful; lies
Seductive; tries

I am; loved
You are; drugged
We are; nothing
Don't take; from me

If you ever put your lips on my man
I'll hand you your heart in a paper bag
Maybe throw your soul away; then you see where it's at
Cause that's the best thing you'll ever have
Whore

Tight; friends
Breakable; depends
Shallow; pretend
Unworthy; within

I am; loved
You are; drugged
We are; nothing
Don't take; from me


If you ever put your lips on my man
I'll hand you your heart in a paper bag
Maybe throw your soul away; then you see where it's at
Cause that's the best thing you'll ever have
Whore

Whore

Stealing lovers; you can always hide
But when it comes to real luck; you'll die

If you ever put your lips on my man
I'll hand you your heart in a paper bag
Maybe throw your soul away; then you see where it's at
Cause that's the best thing you'll ever have
Whore

That's the only thing you can get
A few empty heads to fill your dirty tricks
Nothing hurts worse than giving it all
Never having the one you want

Cause of you
Whore
Cause of you
Whore

Mirror

I was tired and drunk
I was out of love
I let go

I was dumb and young
I had a loaded gun
I let go

Tick tock went the clock
The bullets had flown
I let go

Didn't die like they thought
Didn't know how to talk
I let go

In the mirror; is a face
A mystery in my place
In the darkness; a boy waits
For sunlight; come take me away
Soon that dream will stay
The one I begged to keep (Repeat lines 5 & 6)

I was so fucked up
I was on a few drugs
I let go

I used to see his face everywhere
I didn't care where I would go

I let go
I let go


In the mirror; is a face
A mystery in my place
In the darkness; a boy waits
For sunlight; come take me away
Soon that dream will stay
The one I begged to keep (Repeat lines 5 & 6)

I let go
I let go


I was tired and drunk
I was out of love
I let go

I was dumb and young
I had a loaded gun
I let go

Tick tock went the clock
The bullets had flown
I let go

Didn't die like they thought
Didn't know how to talk
I let go


In the mirror; is a face
A mystery in my place
In the darkness; a boy waits
For sunlight; come take me away
Soon that dream will stay
The one I begged to keep (Repeat lines 5 & 6)

I was wrong. It can be love.

Recently I came across this in a search to learn more about Taurus compatibility; not because of my past but from a conversation with a beloved friend whom I found out is a Taurus herself. She told me as well that Leo's and Taurus' are very much compatible and in fact explained it to me that we're compatible because of our fixed signs. We share a lot of common qualities as well. So in the end; I was wrong on this part of the spectrum. It can be a happy ending; if the right Taurus and Leo partner up together. Here's a little ditty to look over for a clarification to all you detail oriented folks out there (much like myself) who enjoy a little horoscope talk.
Taurus and Leo

In many ways the two of you are very similar. You both adore the finer things in life, like dining out, attending cultural activities and interesting parties, and having a beautiful home. Each of you likes that the other is possessive and loyal, for neither of you could tolerate a third party in the background, even in the earliest stages of dating. Yet your needs are quite different: You crave a strong sense of security and frequent displays of affection, whereas your Leo needs attention, applause, and above all, respect. Leo will adore your compliments, and look for a steady supply from you, even if you've been together for years. Your praise helps to reassure Leo that he or she is still number one. Taurus, you aren't always aware you need to do this, which might lead your Leo to wonder if you've fallen out of love! Keep an eye out for this possible miscommunication.

You will adore your Leo's creativity. Many Leos work in the arts, especially in theatre and other performance arts, television, or in advertising as art directors or as graphic designers. You have the know-how to build a successful business enterprise: Taurus are often called in when a fledging business needs a leader who can guide it from the early stages into a more mature stage of expansion. Taurus expect obstacles in life and have the patience to work through them, while Leos are surprised when they hit an obstacle. Use your talent for long term success to make this relationship work. Your expectations are realistic and you have exceptional patience. As a long distance runner (not a sprinter), you feel anything worth doing is worth doing well -- the very reason you are not likely to walk away from this relationship after you've hit the first speed bump.

Both of you love material objects, though for slightly different reasons: You love rewarding your senses, while your lover wants outward evidence of success. Your Leo's elegant style has them craving the high life, but you may be concerned about how much this could ultimately cost. Their champagne taste could get tough to support over time. (This is true no matter who is the provider, since, once married, money tends to come out of the same pot.) Taurus says, "Show me the money!" and then promptly banks it. Taurus would rather have money in the bank than on their backs. Leo understands this intellectually, but not emotionally, and will never be completely comfortable with living on a strict budget. The allocation of funds is definitely something to talk about if you two start to get serious.

But there is a bigger concern: You both are fixed in your opinions and are not likely to bend, which could lead to serious gridlock when you disagree. In every relationship, someone has to offer an olive branch! Ideally, it won't be the same person all the time. Consider this the next time you find yourself locked in conflict with your Leo. Know that Leos like to take credit for everything around them, due to their ability to see the big picture. This comes so naturally to them that they don't even realize they're doing it. While this could make you see red, you might also just be inclined to allow your lover this pleasure, simply to keep the peace (Venus ruled Taurus likes life harmonious). Realize that your lover is ruled by the Sun center of our solar system, which is why Leos can get so egocentric. Taurus is ruled by Venus, the goddess of love, so you are the more likely partner to find a diplomatic solution. If your Leo lover means a lot to you, look at what options are presented and make suggestions. In many ways, the future of this relationship will depend on your willingness to bring the two of you together, rather than allow Leo's egotism to tear you apart.

It takes a lot to ruffle you, but when you get to the end of your rope -- watch out! Neither the Bull nor the Lion are known to be quiet-tempered animals! Your Sun signs are not in harmonious angle to one another, suggesting that when tempers flare, they'll generate scorching heat. The next time fire sign Leo and earth sign Taurus try to stare each other down, consider which element is likely to overpower the other. Yours will, Taurus, for you could bury your lover in your earthy sensibilities. You could dump a ton of practicality over Leo's dreams but in so doing you can shut off all Leo's light. Winning should not be the goal, remaining close should. It may be too easy for you to take away his or her spirit, and you may find that although you've won the battle you've lost the war. Don't push your Lion too hard.

Passion will not be lacking when the Lion and the Bull team up in bed! Both of you like to take your time and create lively, lustful lovemaking. Under the sheets you will notice Leo's desire for adoration, so be prepared to lavish time on him or her. It will be time well spent! Leo is very warmhearted and generous -- something you will always appreciate. Leo will cherish you always, in his or her own dramatic and flamboyant style. That is the best reason to stay with Leo, in fact -- it's so much fun! Life would be so boring without your Leo lover.

January 15, 2012

A few rants for the road

1. Matty

So I visited Matty and Brock yesterday over at Adam's place in Azalea Gardens. We were all just catching up mostly but I finally took charge and gave initiative that I wasn't going to be walked on anymore. I stood up for myself as a true Leo would.

Matty made a snarky comment about my pants yesterday; so I responded with "At least I wear pants"...she responded with "Wait; what's that supposed to me?" I never told her.

2. Tricks

Recently had to delete a guy who I was talking to in a serious manner because he started hitting up my friends list like a buffet. Adding and trying to sleep with my friends. Oddly enough however; he was a low compatibility sign so this is another 'go figure' kind of moment and quickly called for a Twix bar. Turns out; you can't trust anyone. Not even when you try to put past a bias on someone who shares the same zodiac sign as your former half.

3. Space

I've wanted space and needed space but the time has come to close that chapter in my book. I'm looking better than I ever have; feeling better than I ever have; and I'm a better person than I once was because I'm taking charge of my life. I'm showing who I am now and not who I will be later because I know that you will always change your ways to suit YOU and I'm learning that that is a beautiful trait to have. It means that you will go far in your projects. I have a feeling this year will be my year. I'm certain of it.

4. Ill Importance

While speaking to Matty; she expressed her views of a guy she was going to sleep with for money (yes; Matty is admittedbly a whore) and she enjoys her life in that fact; so more power to the girl. It's not for me. I made this clear to her when I told her that my intentions this year isn't to get laid or land an amazing relationship. My intentions this year are to take care of myself. To get what it is that I want and to gain what I can't gain with love and sex. She showed me a picture of a penis and said "I figured you might be interested in him" and I turned to her and said "Well, I have school right now and I don't have time to give my cookies away to the whole picnik. So I think I'll pass", She had a look on her face like someone died. I haven't died however; I've just learned that I don't have to lower my standards to fit yours. I don't have to be miserable because you are. I don't have to lie to myself at night to make what I've done excusable because I am completely content with my independence and it's content with me.

5. Men

My outlook on men has been up and down over the years and this year is unique. While I fancy a charming beau; I don't fancy a hookup. I did that all last year when I was trying to get some much needed pain taken care of. This year; I'm going to let fate play her game and pick me out the things she would have of me. If I land a great guy; I'll keep him but if not; I'll continue to steer into my passions and make myself happier inside everyday knowing that I'm making a positive step into the future. I also realize that right now; I don't have time for love. I'm not a multitask kind of person anymore; I like to take it slow. To get to know myself; my projects; and my surroundings. I'm completely observant before I take the chance to speak up to someone and I like to understand their hidden agenda or their most prized desires; it will help me in building a great common amongst my friends in the future and pick the type of people that are most compatible with me.

I could write more but this is all I'm going to give for now...at least until later :)

January 14, 2012

Capricorn

Happy happy happy birthday to my wonderful mother Brenda!

I know that we've had our worst so far when it came to so many issues with the car and what not but this year is different than the last. Everything will be better this year for you. Keep on smiling Brenda and keep on being you because we all love you dearly!

Love,
Brandon

January 13, 2012

Two songs is all I need to express myself

 

 

The Way You Love Me (song)

It takes time
Realize
Where you want to go

It takes suffering
Realize
What you really need

Somewhere over the empty street
A man is still waiting patiently
Some nights you can't even sleep
A man is still planning to sweep you off your feet
Just to hear you say; "I love the way you love me"

Love is a fire
Built with liners
Sail away my heart

If you look back
You might find where it's at
That little piece of you
Feel apart

It takes time
Realize
Who you really love

It takes hardships
Realize
When you should already know

You can't find it in a book
You can't rewrite the moments that he took
But you can smile a little now
As long as you figure out

Somewhere over the empty street
A man is still waiting patiently
Some nights you can't even sleep
A man is still planning to sweep you off your feet
Just to hear you say; "I love the way you love me"

It takes time
For someone to be your light

Manipulation (Short poem)

You come on strong but only for a minute do you last
You look like sin but act like an angel when faces aren't glass
Trick the mind of many with a belief that you can any
Disgusting life at which you breed as the devil tries to daunt these things
You lie and cheat through a maze of innuendos; hiding like a coward
Your temple is open to the plenty but none dare stay for fear of death
You come on strong but only for a minute do you get
You look like a tragedy that flows straight from your chest
Manipulation

How Can You Say (Short poem)

A piano can't heal a heart
A piece of paper can't ignite a passion
A spotlight can't break all walls
A river can't wash away hurt
A car can't begin a journey
A match can't give hope
A sickness can't bring understanding
A light can't hide the oblivious

How can you say...

A dream can't begat a beginning
If your heart isn't open to forgiving

Really?

Can't believe the Van der sloot snob only gets 28 years...he should get life imprisonment for what he did...where is the justice these days? :(

January 9, 2012

A great day is a step away

I enrolled back into school today. I've got a hefty goal but one I believe I'll reach. Today I took my TABE (placement) test and had a startling good outcome. I'm horrible at Math and I didn't think I would do good at all. Charlie sat down with me last night and taught me how to multiply and divide; two basic functions that I never truly learned because of bullying.

I was so happy to find that I almost scored a perfect 100 on my Applied Math section but I second guessed the last question and ended up not getting the 100. The good thing is though; it won't take long for me to get busy on busting into some education.

While Charlie was on his cigarette break between classes; we discussed a few things and then went to the store on campus to get a few materials for me. He got me a GED preparation book; 4GB flash drive, two pens, and a pack of index cards to use for my flash cards.

I have to admit; going in before I wasn't ready to do this but now; now more than ever; I'm ready. I'm confident in myself like I've never been and I feel so liberated to have got back to school. I missed it. I love to do something I didn't know of and see myself succeed at it. It's rewarding when you think of all the times you failed and to see that you finally got that pattern botched enough to score well.

I'm certain at this point that getting my GED will be a lot more satisfying than if I had done it before. Here are my goals so far...

1. Get my GED diploma during the Spring semester

2. Enroll in classes in the Fall semester (Music and Computer Tech)

3. Look for jobs and apply again for them


Refresh my memory

So last night Charlie helped me with some of my math. I haven't done math in ages so it felt nice to be refreshed with such knowledge. I can't believe I forgot even some of the basics but already; it's getting to a great start.

Charlie is setting up for business management because he wants to open his own restuarant someday. I'm already making my goal to first get the GED and then take classes in performing arts and music appreciation. Hopefully at the time I'll score an on-campus job and then save back enough money to get me to the big city where I can really let my spotlight shine.

There is a lot of work ahead and I don't expect it to be an easy road I'm taking but I'm super excited. Can't deny it that this is my only ticket to fame and happiness. I'm gonna do something in life and I know it will be amazing no matter what I end up doing at the end of it all. If I have my way though; it will be my dream.

Well, sleep awaits and reality can't keep up with these droopy eyes. Time to regulate ;)

<3

Doubt

My heart is a phone call away
It takes a lot to hide this place
Do you know of a name
It could make a change

Your eyes are like sugar and dew
They make love seem like a muse
Do you know of a time
It could make you smile

Sunshine, come crashing into my skin
I wanna feel the rush of a moment I didn't live
It took me long enough to know where I am
Sunshine, come take me into your hands
I just wanna feel like I'm noticed and
I wanna be the one that he talks about
It took me long enough to figure this out

Love is nothing to doubt

Your lips are like sparkles in the water
They make it seem like I could get lost in you forever
Do you believe that love is more than emotion?
It could save us when we're hopeless

Sunshine, come crashing into my skin
I wanna feel the rush of a moment I didn't live
It took me long enough to know where I am
Sunshine, come take me into your hands
I just wanna feel like I'm noticed and
I wanna be the one that he talks about
It took me long enough to figure this out

Love is nothing to doubt

Transchild (Demo writing)

He's a boy from a radio
Paints his eyes with silver and gold
No one knows; what he holds

He's got a friend he calls Jim
They hang out in the basement
He'll probably never know; how much they love him

He still says
If love were a medication; how much would you need?
To come cure me
To come cure me

He's a boy that looks like a girl
His mother was never really in the world
No one knows; what he has to say

He's got a black balloon floating in his hands
His fingers brush quickly in the sand; but it's a devious dance; any day

He still says

If love were a medication; how much would you need?
To come cure me
To come cure me

He's gonna get better, eventually
His heart is patiently waiting
No one knows; where he'll be
But he'll see

You never have to be lonely
If you just believe

Sidewalk

We got, kids droppin' out of school
We got, ten year old's killin' themselves
We got, mom and dad's hittin' their crack
We got, young people who don't know how to act

I gotta say it

We're fucked up, in the head
We're playing, so are you dead?
We're like machines, we've lost control
We're like martyrs, we've got no soul

Well paint me a place where the money comes free
Well shine a light on a street that doesn't corrupt dreams
Well dial a number to a place that can save me
Well pick up the needle and forget that you hate these things

We got, people rapin' and keeping captive
We got, a few who've lost their mind
We got, a violent politician
We got, hate on a mission

I gotta say it

We're fucked up, in the head
We're playing, so are you dead?
We're like machines, we've lost control
We're like martyrs, we've got no soul

Not Afraid

Got my heart up on a shelf
Typed a paper to try and sale
But I'm a little more complex now
Can't control what words decide to come out

I'm still a child but I keep smiling
I'm still a little hurt but I keep fighting
The sun shines like it used to
I'm not losing my mind but I'll lose you

I may not be much
But I'm not afraid
To be who I am today
To be the one that can't change his ways
I may not be okay
But I'm not afraid
To be who I am today
To be the one that can't change his ways
I may not be much
But I'm not afraid

Watch a thousand TV shows
Can't find what I don't know
But I'm cost effective enough
Cause I never really gave up

I smoke up these cigarettes
With love; I try to connect
When the cars drive so fast
I feel a moment when I laugh
What kinda world do we live in?

I may not be much
But I'm not afraid
To be who I am today
To be the one that can't change his ways
I may not be okay
But I'm not afraid
To be who I am today
To be the one that can't change his ways
I may not be much
But I'm not afraid

Shadow

I feel it inside my blood
The words like silver; can't get enough
I'm out the doorway and into the sun
My life's been drugged up and I'm done

Close my eyes and picture lights
Buildings fall but the life still resides
I'm not afraid to let them know how much I've tried
To bite my tongue and let it die

Ooo
The rain takes my soul
Ooo
They can't let me flow
Ooo
I'm not here at all
Ooo
My feet will keep the walk

Just to see where I'm goin'

I used to paint a pretty fiction
It was me that was always missin'
Crushed up and in a rush
Tryin' to never let it up
There were times when I was lost
I read a few words and paid a cost
Now this I know that you can judge
But it never will amount to much

Ooo
The rain takes my soul
Ooo
They can't let me flow
Ooo
I'm not here at all
Ooo
My feet will keep the walk

Just to see where I'm goin'

Drink it up; that special drink
The one that never let's you think
When it's gone you're on the brink
Now who's to blame for the empty things?

Ooo
The rain takes my soul
Ooo
They can't let me flow
Ooo
I'm not here at all
Ooo
My feet will keep the walk

Just to see where I'm goin'

I'll get further than they seen

January 8, 2012

For the better

So I'm going to make a very big decision soon. I'm very nervous about it but it's time for me to grow up and start building my life to where I need it to be. Last night, I had a revelation.

I figured out a way to make my dream come true. Charlie and I talked about it and came to an agreement that I could come live with him to get my schooling done and get further upon my goals.

I would be here 4 days out of the week and then on the weekends I could visit my parents if I so wished to. I think so far; it will all work out better for me this time because I'm not dating someone or involved in other things that could damage my chances.

So here's to my success :)

January 7, 2012

Other Girl

Don't fall in love
You're only there for the moment
He's got someone else to call
You're the secret that never walks
Don't fall in love
Don't fall in love
Your heart could get torn
He's got a girl at home with a new born
You're the secret that never speaks
Don't fall in love; for me
Next time, I'll hide, like porcelain skies
Next time, I'll wait, like carbon in your eyes
Next time, I'll be, like a severed dream
I won't fall in love for you

(I won't fall in love)

Don't fall in love
You're the blood that could shed
He's got a dungeon in his basement
You're the girl that he could soon regret
Don't fall in love

Don't fall in love
You're the lie being concealed
He's got a girl that knows how to feel
You're the chains in his bed
Don't fall in love; or you'll be dead

Next time, I'll hide, like porcelain skies
Next time, I'll wait, like carbon in your eyes
Next time, I'll be, like a severed dream
I won't fall in love for you

(I won't fall in love)

He's got a dungeon in his basement
You're the girl that he could soon regret
It isn't much for a simple cry
Don't fall in love; or you'll die

Oh oh

Next time, I'll hide, like porcelain skies
Next time, I'll wait, like carbon in your eyes
Next time, I'll be, like a severed dream
I won't fall in love for you

(I won't fall in love)

Cause I deserve much better

January 5, 2012

30 Goals of 2012

1. Put a lock on your heart and throw the key in a burning stove.

2. Go back to school and get your education on.

3. Tell a guy to fuck a dog when your over him.

4. Order a pizza from a Guido.

5. Talk to the voices in your head about their issues.

6. Make out with an Irish guy on St. Patrick's Day just to try and gain luck.

7. Get a job at a porn shop.

8. Burn a photo of someone you want to remember.

9. Paint a picture of someone you don't want to remember.

10. Dance like a fag hag and then blame it on the alcohol.

11. Wear too much chap stick and eye liner.

12. Beat something up after not beating it up.

13. Pierce something.

14. Open a door to a public bathroom and yell "Gonorrhea"

15. Wear too many sweaters and not enough pants.

16. Pretend to know about something you know nothing about.

17. Lose something on purpose and then pretend it never happened.

18. Drink a Penis Colada (drink).

19. Pop it like it's hot outside of IHOP.

20. Go to a club and pretend you're famous in another country because secretly no one would Google you and you want them to.

21. Dress as a smurf and cuss out someone in Dutch just to see their reaction. Then post a video of it to YouTube. (Must perform dance ensemble and sing "La la la, la la la la")

22. Tie a phone to your hip and say you have an addiction to hexting too much (all while wear nothing but black).

23. Post the most embarrassing picture you can find of one friend to your blog or Facebook profile.

24. Pretend someone doesn't exist just to piss them off but make up for it later with a complimentary handshake and two coupons.

25. Fake an orgasm.

26. Blow up condoms and use them as party favors at your next birthday party to embarrass your friend.

27. Say something dirty to a preacher.

28. Cut something.

29. Organize your porn collection.

30. Tell your fat to fuck off.

**All of these were ideas I came up with for 2012 goals. Go ahead; use them**

Spoiled

Paper and ink
That's all I see
Your selfish manner
Never could think

Hungry mouths need to be fed
Harm needs to go unwed
Dreams are still vital if you try
You're the devil in my eyes

Designer shoes
Fancy clothes
Top notch lover
Dancing ghost

Paper and ink
That's all I see
Your violent spending
It penetrates deep
Never could consider
Hands could bleed

While your in your 600 thread
Warm beneath
Cushioned head
Remember the shit you've caused
While your beloved is running off
As if it were sore like a storm
I'll never be there to warn
Cause that door was closed long before

So keep your "I'm right; you're wrong"
And someday I might just sing you a song
Cause if words could stab you in the eye
I'd tell it a thousand times
Your as empty as the desert's cracks
Your blood is black; like the pen that I write with you back
It sucks but I hope you cry; sometimes I wish I'd die
But in the end your just a tear; another bullshit offer of a man I fear

January 4, 2012

Love You Again

I grew up in a small town
Full of ignorance
Paintings on the wall gave me a face

I felt dumb
In a room full of emptiness
Sometimes you can't forget
Where it all begins

I knew some names
Scattered across each page
Couldn't sink them in

The roads take me to an end
I'm fighting this earth again

A spotlight fell from the sky
A body looking just like mine
Who could teach me how to lie
When words are needles to your eyes

(Ah)

Like paper flowing in the wind
I'm gonna find you again
If it's all I have within

Like the demons in your head
I'm gonna make you come back
If it's all that I have
I'm gonna love you again

(Ah)

I'm gonna love you again

(Ah)

Got picked on
Got lost in my regret

Didn't have any time well spent in this

Locked out and full of rage
Bliss was a misfortune paid
Yet I was too afraid to change my way

(Ah)

 So I didn't follow my dreams

(Ah)

Like paper flowing in the wind
I'm gonna find you again
If it's all I have within

Like the demons in your head
I'm gonna make you come back
If it's all that I have
I'm gonna love you again

(Ah)

I'm gonna love you again

(Ah)

Lost who I wanted
He never confronted

I was a contest to his pain
He wouldn't be there to take this away

Now you won't surface
and I wouldn't find a purpose

Cause we're just children
Hiding behind curtains

(Ah) (Interlude)

Like paper flowing in the wind
I'm gonna find you again
If it's all I have within

Like the demons in your head
I'm gonna make you come back
If it's all that I have
I'm gonna love you again

Like paper flowing in the wind
I'm gonna find you again
If it's all I have within

(Ah)

I'm gonna love you again (X2)

(Ah)

Anyway

Glove box full of cigarettes
with all your numbers and your regrets
I wish that I could kiss the lips of
Someone that I just met
Then I could be like a star in the sky
I'd never have to let you in to die

It's a long road
Between miles 3 and 10
We have a while to go
If you ever want to feel something again
With all these mistakes and burdens
It's almost time to forget

You
Remind me of a place in my eye
You
Shape me like the skin that touches mine
Don't you ever
No, don't you ever
Wonder if the sunshine will fade
Don't you want to
No, don't you want to
Take this blood that sheds from me
Cause I don't feel the rush anymore
I just follow the lines that close the door
Take me where I can't feel the same
I'm never coming back anyway
If I can help it

Candle full of wax
with all your wishes and artifacts
I usually light up at the sound of the words
Somewhere between I hate you and I'm still hurt
A tear from these cheeks
It always seems to carry me
As I write it all in this book
There's a secret I never took


You
Remind me of a place in my eye
You
Shape me like the skin that touches mine
Don't you ever
No, don't you ever
Wonder if the sunshine will fade
Don't you want to
No, don't you want to
Take this blood that sheds from me
Cause I don't feel the rush anymore
I just follow the lines that close the door
Take me where I can't feel the same
I'm never coming back anyway
If I can help it


If I can stop it
If I can wait

Would this heart be shaped like a key?

If I can reinvent it
If I can stay

Would this song make you turn to me?

Cause I can't hide behind computers and T.V. screens forever

I have a voice screaming to the sounds of your better
Won't you still be part of me; whenever I feel such a need?

But love is another thing to be afraid
When you feel so ashamed
Can't forgive me anyway

This year will be different

Last year was a vastly moving year. I gained; I lost; gained; lost again and so on. I was appointed to a girl from Buffalo, NY that resembles much of myself in emotional dimensions. She's a bisexual folk singer with so much talent and originated from the early 90s. Her voice is magical to my ears and she inspires me so much. She's got such a simplistic way of doing music and she reminds me of Tori Amos (whom I am now in love with) and her lyrics go beyond art with me. They are a gift to hear.

Anyway; I'm jumping off track here but recently; I made a promise to myself. I told myself if I can get over heartbreak at this point (which I feel I have) - I will push harder to get further than I had been in so many moments of my life thus far. This year is going to be about self control; motivation; taking charge; and chasing dreams. This year; I won't allow myself to fall short of my light. I deserve much better than what I've seen. I deserve to be heard.

I've been glued to this song:


This song goes to a deep and very dark place for me but it's something I relate to in so many aspects that it's not even easy to breath right. Ani's voice is so emotional and is a reflection of the pain she's went through and you can really feel it in her words. I want to strive to be like her and to give a voice that is raw but truthful and outspoken. I'm an outspoken person usually and this is the perfect inspirational start I need. I won't say that I'll be doing music anytime soon but I'll eventually (when the car is completely fixed again - after tax season comes in a month or so) will be going back to school. I'll get my GED and steadily enroll into music classes and art classes too. I want to dive deep into this dream. I don't want to just turn a record on and sing to it; I want to make the records that people will sing to. I want to be part of something I can't be forgotten from and this is my only chance. I'm gonna take it and though I've had so much self doubt; I'll burn it to the ground because from those ashes is a child looking for his dreams.