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September 22, 2012

Mind racing & overthought

So I'm stuck awake tonight. Meanwhile I have to work at 2pm today and I fear that my mind won't shut down nor will my cough.

I feel a tingling sensation in my throat; much like my former colds that doesn't seem to surprise me considering I'm always with cough with almost every sickness I get. No matter what it is.

During my mind's race to compete against time and the coughing; I started to think of things that I put off for some time now. A great example is how I've hated the hurt that came to me earlier this year when I actually did something for me instead of for the other guy.

I miss the cuddling and kissing sometimes. I miss being loved. I miss being wanted.

We used to sleep beside each other; arms fold and eyes shut. We used to be something to each other when no one else wanted us. I begged of your mercy when you left me. Ever since I've had this new found "career" so to speak; I can't help shake the feeling that part of me has become ugly to people. I mean, not even the "into anything" mexican finds me interesting anymore. I used to have that spark no matter what I did. No matter how I looked.

I fear in this that I've lost my mojo. I've only gained a job at which I'm not as happy as I would like to be; none of my wants are fulfilled and it seems they won't be fulfilled until I can leave this prison. The place that entraps my spirit like an army. A place that begs to be born into something more accepting and loving of gentle giants and sweet personality.

Have I become the person I once felt a joke? Have I become dead within? What have I accomplished? Will I ever get the reward of someone else? Does he truly exist and truly love me? Will he appear out of nowhere? Will he be someone I've known for years? Will he accept me just the way I am or forfeit my idea for something more meaningful?

I beg of the heavens above; give me meaning. Give me a life that I never got to have. An enjoyment I never found. Shine love and humility into my path. Bring me comfort and happiness that I've overlooked. Help me find the man of my thoughts. The one that truly deserves my loyalty and partaking. Guide my soul to the best place for me. Give me strength in knowing that my heart isn't failing me like so many decades before me. Prove that love is still worth waiting for.

If only, it were to be.

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