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June 1, 2012

A truth set free

Here's a little tid bit about me that I learned through a friend of mine recently. I'm not as good of a person as I thought I was; though I try to say the least.

A reason behind my love of makeup is because of the basis from my childhood when I was teased based on my appearance. I spend hours just in the mirror trying to perfect how I look and feel before leaving my house because I don't like being judged. I fear rejection and I loath hatred.

When I was younger I was teased about the clothes I wore, how I acted, my voice, the way I was seen in the eyes of the ignorant folk. Many whom have met me never understand my actions or why I had strange reactions to the way that people interact usually to particular situations. This post is a small portion of me being able to finally come out about what I've battled for years since I was a small child.

I was abused as a child; not by parents or family members but by my peers. I feared walking on my own for a long time because in a small town like my own; being gay or different for that matter was not right; it was looked upon as a dark and sinister resolution. A combination of hate and misguided education is where we see many hate crimes start. I was a victim to hate crime in both emotional damage and in physical prominence. It got to the extent that at 14 and slightly through 15 years of age; I wanted to kill myself and be done with it.

I'm stand offish because I want to protect myself from getting hurt again. I've tried to lower my guard but when I do; I come back to my walls and build them up because I fear that if I let go too much; I'll become weak and weary. Unable to take care of myself and stand up for what I feel is right in my life.

I've broken a lot of hearts because of it. I've killed many friendships from it. I've lost communication because of it's potent ambience at which no one; not even I, could truly try to comprehend.

I stopped dating when I was in high school. I didn't go out when others did and I didn't want to become part of a world that I saw was full of many demons and tribulations that I didn't feel like battling. So I stayed home and got to know life within a box. That very box made me almost turn insane.

It wasn't until I met a charming young lad who cleverly spoke and intelligently loved me in ways that I wasn't able to understand. I didn't recognize the signs that it shouldn't have happened just then because I was desperate to escape my fears and try to heal myself by mending with someone elses. It didn't work. It never does.

Music was my escape from a young age due to it's almost magical side in helping me to forget the world around me and see myself in a place where I could be free. Where I could shine in happiness and kindness. To be someone that people could love regardless and to never have conditions or judgments from my peers again. I wanted to be someone else. I never imagined the day that came when I woke up and starting to admire some of the things about me that I blinded myself from for such a long time.

I've had many eye openers since my teens and the days of my extreme depression and the theft of my innocence. Unlike others, I've never been able to fully admit some of the things that I've had happen to me. Some of which explain the reason I fear to commit. I fear commitment because I grew up without a mother. When I was 8, my father would leave home to go to work and I would frantically cry in fear that he would leave me too. I had nightmares about ghosts and red eyes lurking in my closet; calling my name and trying to suck me into a pit of unknown terrors. I feared darkness for this reason and it would often have me up late at night crying at my doorway until my father turned the light on for me and told me everything was okay.

Some of these things that I'm exposing here; I've never told anyone. Not even family members. It's not hard to speak on it now given my age but it's hard to really realize that I went through a lot of things that kids my age at the time didn't deal with. Or at least my eyes had shown me.

The truth is, I'm a wreck inside but I'm fine on the outside due to my exterior wall. I don't want the world to see the real me because the real me is hurt, lost, sad, confused, and damaged. I'm not trying to relive those days again. I'm not saying I'm fake or that I'm not real; I'm very real and very honest about myself. I just have secrets inside that I dare never to take account to because I don't want to lose the people that matter most to me. I don't want to be judged or denied something over what I've dealt with.

There are many things in life which we can't explain or understand. There are times when we are beyond repair and have to break completely to come back to life again. I think that I'm reaching my point. The point when I have finally given up and taken into me the truth that I am on my own in all of this. That there isn't a fairytale out there awaiting us. We're not going to be amazingly happy forever with or without someone. This is just life and life is full of surprises. We can't expect to get what we want or what we deserve because then; when would we realize what we have? When would we find it in ourselves to accept that we are merely human and that we are NOT Gods. We're just piles of dust parading the planet until the day that we die, we float into our original place of birth. A place that we know is our true nature. Our true home.

Someday, I'll get beyond it. Someday, I'll figure out the mystery of myself. Until that day however, I must learn to cope with what I've had. I must love what I can and love often if I expect to get it back. Love doesn't grow within the sea, it's just part of the air you breathe. In time, you'll finally get it to keep and if not, you'll have to lock up that heart of yours with a spare key.

My point at the end of all this is that; you can't get what you want. You never truly will. So we have to beg ourselves the strength to handle it. To embrace the fact that we can only be happy of what is. Not what will be, for what will be is never known nor certain. It's just an idea that we create to kill time. This world is a lie. You won't truly live until the next life.

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