So, as I'm coughing up a storm today...reminiscing moments when I felt refreshed and dignified...I'm thinking to myself how we always end up comparing our love lives to our personal admirations. For example; I've always strived to find a classy guy because of the mannerisms that I saw as a child. I remember wishing to learn it; to impress people with it; and to be a gentlemen within the rest of my ecentric character that is Brandon aka Branni.
I've been attracted to tall men for sense of security; dark and handsome because of mystery; and foreign men because of learning experiences and the bonus of having something that I feared to never have. If someone had asked me when I was 13 or 14 if I were ever going to meet someone from Europe; I would have told them no and that they were wasting their time. It was 18 when I got that special something and I ended up taking to it like sugar.
The ettiquette that was proposed; the demeanor in his voice and language had inspired me, I felt truly blessed and I felt like I was a gem for having someone so angelic and soft hearted lay their eyes upon my face. Up until I was 18; I felt very dismantled...tired even...and I grew bored of what people had called love at the time...see I knew at that age that love doesn't come to an 18 year old and it certainly has no time to spare for a 22 (soon to be 23 in August) year old.
My point is, it amazes me how much we delight ourselves by hurting ourselves. Getting involved in situations or relationships that we know may or may not work out and then when they don't work out we feel dumb and discontent with rage wondering; why? why is this happening to me? but forgetting that WE are the ones responsible for putting ourselves in that situation to begin with. We essentially never learn and continue the cycle until one day; when we finally get what we want...we're bored with it and we no longer have any interest in it.
Someone told me once that it's a very lonely world for a gay man. While I still find some truth in it; I don't believe it's just a gay man that has to worry about it. I've learned that if I do in fact end up single and alone before I die; that if I never find what I'm looking for in that department; to smile anyway because I will have hoped by then that I have found myself enough to be able to handle it. Seeing that even in loneliness; you're not alone. Strength can find you and lift you back up to that place you want to be. God gives your heart a bandaid and your bitterness a burn. What life is all about; is not love or money or who is who and what is what. It's all about finding your place. Finding out what you want to accomplish; what your willing to go through to achieve things that make you happy. It's all in the determination; isn't it?