January 27, 2012
Rules of a non-conformist gay by Branni & Charles
1. Don't talk about your boyfriend like he's food; men are more than steak.
2. Keep your career to yourself; no one cares if you tweet or twat "OMG have to copy my own papers at work". (If your assistant has to do all the work; you don't deserve the job)
3. Techno does not include Katy Perry, Tegan & Sara, or The Veronicas; start up Pandora quickly before you vomit. If you listen to Every Rose Has It's Thorn on repeat in the dark while drinking, take the CD out; break it in half and slit your wrists with it.
4. Gay is not a definition and if it was; it would mean happy, jolly, or joyful; none of you bitches are like that. It is just a word...you know; like, "girl" or "fuck off".
5. Being a fashionista, may just mean that you're just fashioned for easter. Look at Lady Gaga's egg.
6. Quit fucking playing Poker Face. Half of you can't even play poker anyway or keep a man for that matter.
7. Stop sporting your STD's like boyscout badges. Middle aged tramps are not cute and stop acting like your God's gift. The last gift you were given was herpes.
8. If you have AIDS; my heart goes out to you but if you are one of those people running around fucking other people without a condom transmitting it; you deserve it and I hope it's painful. Jerk.
9. Having a man doesn't make you who you are; being who you are will make you a man. Gay or not.
10. Yelling in a diva like style doesn't make you a diva. It makes people around you go deaf. Shut the hell up and learn volume control. People like that are not southern belles; they are swamp queens.
11. Thou shalt not covet thou friends man and if thou does; thou shalt cut a bitch.
12. Matching everything doesn't make you look cool; it makes you look helpless.
13. If your penny loafers don't have pennies in them; throw them out.
14. If you wear penny loafers; you will probably never get laid or end up selling your soul to satan to kill time. (Throw them out anyway)
15. Having a little dog like Paris Hilton isn't cool; it makes you look like you put your baby in a purse. (Whatever; seriously, who wants to walk around with a purse full of dog shit all day?)
16. Quit turning your nose up at everybody. Your neck is exposed and hopefully somebody chops you in it.
17. Just because you can't read; doesn't mean you have to read people. It makes you look like a bitch and nobody will help you learn. Believe me; you are not the exception to the rule.
18. My fellow gays; quit claiming to be nymphomaniacs. It's a serious problem and most of them have sex offenses or been accused of sex crimes. (If you're slutty; just fucking say it)
19. Stop leaving your condoms on the damn floor. This isn't 1995 when Courtney Love played Larry Flynt's wife. Put the shit in a damn can. Ok? Do you wanna be the next Kurt Cobain?
20. If you have children; it's acceptable to be covered in glitter but if you don't, quit putting it all over your fucking face. It is for children's pictures and trashy drag queens clothing only.
Disclaimer: Remember these are not official rules. If you choose to follow them; so be it. If not; to hell with you. This is strictly two people's opinions from the things they have encountered in their lives. In no way do these statements have anything to do with any individual one persons; any similarities are completely coincidental. We hope everybody has learned something. Have a nice read.