May 30, 2011


I like blocking out love unless its otherwise not from this planet. is it because I'm broken or in need of unbelievable repairs?

Even when I've moved on from my past and found a future that I never imagined would have been here years ago; I feel as if I still have a wall up.

Sometimes I'm sad and for no reason I know it to stem from what comes within. I'm not like so many out there who rely on vanity and selfishness to get by.

I'm not one to ever say I'm beautiful because I lack that quality due to my overwhelming need to separate myself from my former selves.

I go crazy at night when I think of how slow time seems to be when you think too much. Thinking is all I can do right now though and it's what has kept me from point a to point b.

In this life, we all pay a price for our mistakes. Sometimes I just have to wonder if I'm paying taxes on mine.

This post isn't meant to be depressing or extreme. I'm simply analyzing the place I've landed.

I have such a high need to be in music because it sets me free. I feel like people shut up and listen to people when they pour there living breath into a song that means more than 5 minutes of social propoganda and "likes"

Unlike the people; I never had a need for pills, drinks, cigarettes, or any of that stuff. I have a temple and it walks with me, or so my heart still screams to me from night to night.

It seems judgmental to some but I can't help that I don't want to be around people who are glued on their selves, what they do, who they are to the world. I just for once want to meet someone who is selfless.

I see it everyday, people walking by and sporting their cover like they belong to royalty. Even the royal have enough class to keep it simple.

Why can't these people?

A lot of my ex friends had wondered why I would act like I did; crazy sometimes...sometimes overwhelmed...sometimes lost

It's because unlike this world; I'm not focused on getting laid or connecting with a crowd or finding a love that will die after I pass

I'm focused on finding myself and finding my place in all of this madness.

My world is different. It has no judgment, it has no darkness, it has no confusion. It just is. It is full of life and hopes that are provided by a man that truly holds the only key to my happiness.

I want to be with someone; I have always wanted this but I feel like if I force my heart to deny it and find what I feel will last longer than what so many waste their entire lives to find; I'll find something that is worth keeping. Something that won't let me down or let go of me. No games, no shames. Just unconditional and true love. Something I can't see in humanity anymore.

Eh, I'm just rambling like a child..I got to sleep, the beach will be calling to me tomorrow but I will keep my shirt on, lord knows I don't look skinny in my clothes anymore.

This is how much weight I've gained; I used to be able to wear size small and medium in men's, women's, and I was considered petite.

I now can't wear anything below large and x-large. I feel like a fat bum and I feel hopeless in terms of my weight. It's so hard to try and lose the weight too.

I've tried the diet thing, I tried exercise. I even offered to workout with a friend of mine but that never happened either. So I guess I will pray and pray until I either do it for myself or someone helpful comes along to bust me into shape so I can feel good about myself again.

It's not just the face for me. It's a lot of things. My body growing up used to be beautiful to me. I had the tone, tan, and the health that I wanted. I slept better and felt better.

People used to envy my physique and now I envy theirs. I don't want to but I do.

Maybe it will keep getting better; I have to hold onto this hope I've seen. Without it, I'm nothing.

May 29, 2011

And so the cookie crumbles

Understandably, I didn't get to hang out with Adriana yesterday but it was Memorial day and so I figured that she wouldn't be free really considering.

Still it bums me out that I have a friend who lives near me and yet I can't hang out with her. I will have to keep trying to make time and see if we can somehow meet when we are both able to.

Either way, I woke up today and it is super hot outside. I mean it's so hot that our air is barely keeping up. I can feel the heat coming in through my window as if my window is open.

I don't like it.

So I'm going to take a look at the bulletin board at the career center when I get back (if I have time) and I'll hopefully find a temp job until after my GED is obtained; then I can hopefully score an even better one. That is; if I even get a job but I'm still hopeful that I can get one even after all the failed times from before.

Well, this is short but it's time for me to get ready for a shower, and do something about these eyebrows.

Ciao ciao.

May 27, 2011

A new approach to myself

Today I took my placement test and I did shockingly very well. My reading score was higher than the highest available score. The highest available score is 9.9 and my score is above that. Who knew; I'm a fantastic reader!

I've learned the following things and my teachers were very very impressed with my skills.

I'm very detail oriented, organized, and enthusiastic. Which means that given those traits I would be great in a LOT of high paying fields; such as business, marketing, book keeping, and so many others.

I am mostly a visual learner but I also learn both through audio and hand-on tasks.

So far, my GED takeout class again will be on June 22 from 3-5pm and my last GED takeout class will be on July 26th.

My advisor who sat down with me was a sweetheart and helped me understand it better than I thought I would. He is also gay so I felt a sense of comfort today knowing that I wasn't being judged by other peers and he has beautiful blue eyes which I'm definitely wishing I had. It was like looking into an angel's eyes or something. I'll get contacts for that ;)

All the other teachers were very kind and very thoughtful. They helped me with my questions that I wanted to have answered and were impressed by my enthusiasm as well as my strong work ethic in class.

I got a ton of pamplets on how to study, how to overcome test anxiety, and I visited the Career center today which actually has job postings available from ESC out in town and so I'll be checking on those later this week but both my teacher Ms. Higgins and I agree; without the GED, I won't get a job fairly easy but still, the fact that there is a place to start and they help you find your career path is nice to know. I'll be there a lot more I believe.

Today was a good day overall :)

Ciao ciao.

May 26, 2011

Follow my journey

Coupon Freak is my new blog dedicated to my journey with couponing.

I will post blogs on my findings, experiences, stresses, and everything else.

You might also find deals and steals from friends of mine as well as links that I recommend to new comers.


Ciao ciao.

The start of something big

Soon I'm going to start a new blog and I will post the link to it here. It will be my journey starting from the ground up on couponing and seeing how it can help save me and my family money.

It won't be easy and I know it will take some time but I have faith that I will learn to master it and be able to help our troops as well as charities and those in tragic situations.

Pray for me everyone and wish me luck! :)

From a mother to a beginner

Adventures of a Mother: Where to get coupons?

The above link will provide some insight and states a few things I initially didn't know of until reading this blog post.


Coupon starter tips

Recently I went to the "Extreme Couponing" Facebook page. I am new to the couponing lifestyle and found myself with questions and so I asked them how to start couponing like you would on the show (which is hosted on TLC) and I got the following tips from

1. Collect coupon inserts (Ask friends and family for their coupons as well)

2. Pick a few blogs to follow (many blogs offer coupons and exclusive deals that can be hard to find; you can also socialize with many users of the blog and find out where the deals are in your area)

3. Print out coupons (color ones are normally the only ones accepted - see your stores coupon policy for details on this and if it isn't included; call and ask)

4. Sign up for samples (often times sample sites include high value coupons too)

5. Read blogs and use their "scenarios" for a shopping trip.

Note: you can also follow forums and talk with other couponers in your area to get started or to learn more about how to calculate your overall price on groceries and such.

I'm a newbie, so please don't ask me. I'll just tell you to read this blog or search on Google for coupons and how to start couponing.

It's a great thing to learn about this and it's a wonderful experience when you are starting out. Tonight I organized our coupons and categorized them. I also made an expiration book which will list every coupon item as well as the date that they expire.

Eventually I will start digitally inputting all this information but tonight I wanted to start on the hard copies of everything to ensure that I won't be lost later when inputting them into Google Docs.

Pray for me that I'll reap the savings! Couponing is something I'm really going to try and take seriously because in our economy and in my family especially; saving money is the BEST option possible for us.

Ciao ciao.

May 25, 2011

If you live in Europe

and you're in love with everything Oprah; move here. We have the OWN channel which is Oprah's new network!

Besides, I could really use some European friends and we all know Europeans are more fun ;)

Ciao ciao

From before


The above link is to a poem that my beautiful ex wrote some time ago about me. It touches me because I had no idea just how much love I had from him. I admit that I had doubted it after the fact but now I can see that his love was mutual with mine and that it was a deeper love than I initially had thought.

Happiness is key to life they say but I say that it's just a part of it. I'm just thankful that I've been blessed to still have something good with him. We've been through a lot and witnessed a lot as well but one thing we have shown each other is the ability to overcome obstacles and to build on good endings or perhaps new beginnings.

It was nice to have what I had and now that I have a new slate to rebirth something that is far more powerful (friendship) I am taking it as a blessing from God that I get to go through it.

We could have easily never spoke again AT ALL probably (well maybe not easily) but still; yet a beautiful revival came to be and behold it was the birth of a great friendship that I never had.

In honest words, we both knew when we first spoke to each other that we were going to be around each other for a long time, the question was, what for?

I don't regret anything and I'm glad that we both stand where we are now. It was all for the best and God knew that for me.

Well, time for me to watch a bunch of stories on TV about crazy women killing people for money and junk. I find it sad that money has that much power for people. Like I've always said, it's just paper and ink.....not the fountain of youth people!

Ciao ciao.

May 23, 2011

Standing on my youth

"Standing on my own youth, when you were still alive and I knew what to do"

Sometimes I just want to go back, back to the times when it didn't hurt so bad.

Only one man knows love

and he is the only one that is there for me these days. I can sit and conversate with him more than anyone else if I so choose to. He won't turn me away or bring me down or make me feel like I'm less than.

All my life I've been on this crazy hunt for "love" and I didn't know that it ends up being in from of you right where you least expect to find it.

God is all I have and yet even in this relationship; I make mistakes.

It's a beautiful sunny day and all I can think about is going on a remote island and living a simple and green life with a few close friends and some home brewed food for comfort.

The sad thing in all of this is the fact that I still long a love that doesn't exist or so it seems. I won't ever meet someone who can accept me for me because I live in a world full of judgment, greed, hate, and vanity. All of which are things I can live without.

Everyone does it at some point. You try not to make a sorry mistake against someone but you do because your heart is selfish and then you turn selfish.

Love is selfless. Love is unconditional. Love is rare only because we don't understand love and it's simple standards. God made love and with that love; he is the only one that can fully understand it and help us to understand it.

I'm not saying you will find love, I'm merely saying that you will learn what love really is, rather than what some cosmogirl magazine will tell you or the look on some "cute" guy/girls face. In the end, they're love will perish while his is still afloat.

I'm not trying to stir a controversy or push upon you that you have to believe and follow God to get it. I'm just saying, God makes "love" easier to get.

While I'll be spending a lot of my life looking for human love; I know that spiritual love is one that overrides human love because it's eternal versus a love that can only last until that person is passed on; after that you have a dead love. It won't bring them back either even though we crave it.

 I haven't dated someone, been hit on, not even close in years. It feels like I've died a bit and it's sad because once you die inside, you die slowly in everything else.

My relationships I had were temporary and always will be. Nothing lasts forever on this Earth. Not even human love.

I'm still bitter, very very very bitter but I'm trying to at least learn how to not show it so I don't scare some innocent person away with some kind of weird exposure of my inner thoughts.

I live in a world where my looks will mean everything (when they shouldn't), my heart means little to someone because they want what's outside of it, and of course because in our world, sex is all that people want. I can't love something that doesn't have love to begin with; can I? I think not.

Sure, people are good in their approach but after that, the true colors show and it tends to show a dark side that I can't accept. I won't ever be able to because I don't like being judged on my looks or how I dress or how I act around public places or if I will make mommy and daddy proud for you. No, none of that isn't important to me but sadly it is for so many of you out there.

You can't die and expect to take that boyfriend or girlfriend with you. We all die alone with God.

People get it twisted though, they think that everything on Earth is so important when they neglect to realize  we're not really living until we die. THAT is why so many churches want you to come praise God because God holds the keys to life after death.

It becomes clearer however that I am abruptly uncool and lack the so-called "intelligence" needed to be in a steady relationship with someone but I can prove in this notion that I've got enough education to tell you what comes after. That's pretty darn smart if you ask me because a brain isn't made to know it all, it's made to figure things out on your own.

But really, what do I know.....I don't even have a relationship to help other fallen lovers gain back that void they lost

Simply put, I'm just like so many of you are. Still aching for a love that won't ever last.

The demon in Dylan

Not only does he whine and complain so much but he has no care for anyone, not even people in Joplin, Missouri whom was wiped out by an F5 tornado recently.

To quote him, "Why do you even care so much?" and "That looks cool; awesome, wish I was there"

Then rambling on to say "Who gives a sh**?"

It's sad that you have such a loss of emotional understanding that you would even go as far and as cruel to state things like that especially when it deals with people who have lost so much including lives.

What would you have done had it been 9/11 all over again; laughed and said "That looks cool?" and left the rest of us in shock of how you could think something so evil.

I've lost respect for you after this. I've dealt with your crap a lot but this just takes the cake. It's hard to respect someone who can't even manage one speck of care for others; not even his own mother.

I'll be praying for you kid. You really really need it.

May 22, 2011

Clip clip hooray!

So I went to McDonald's today and some ugly pimple faced gay guy looked at me and looked at some girl he worked with and said "no"

I'm not sure if that is a compliment because he's not attractive or if it's still an insult.

Either way, it's becoming clearer and clearer everyday that I'm just not good looking anymore and people are noticing it. I'm not good enough for even ugly people and that's pretty sad.

Good thing I'm single though, I'm not sure if I could handle all the b.s. of relationships.

Anyways, I'm doing the extreme couponing thing with Brenda soon and I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I really hope it works well for us because it's a lot of work.

I spent the whole day doing equations on a spreadsheet and summing up all the taxes and totals for everything. Seems promising.

Battery is dying so I better leave this to rest for now.

Ciao ciao

It's a goal

I was watching a show called "Extreme Couponing" on the TV today and I got inspired. A lot of these people were getting $600 worth of groceries for free or almost nothing!

My goal now is to start being more conscious about groceries and organizing coupons for what we need. If they can save a ton of money from it; surely we can and hopefully Brenda will join in on it.

It's a little bit of hard work and takes a lot of time and effort but I think I can at least attempt to try it. I'm excited to at least hear about it. It will be worth the attempt in actuality because what do you really have to lose but a few dollars and some change?

Thank God for coupons! :)

Well, it's late here. As of this post it is 2:15am and I'm pretty, night night everyone and sleep tight!

May 20, 2011

Why I'll be single when I die

I'm weird. I act it, I look it, I just am.

It's not a bad thing but it's not a good thing either. I look at all these pretty faces and sexually driven bodies and think to myself; I wish I could make people admire my face like that.

I walk into a store and I rarely ever even get a look anymore. It's like I hardly exist sometimes and it's a bummer. I dream of being youthful again and having that air tight skin that was like porcelain with a shimmer of summer glow. I remember times when I was 12 and walked around with confidence because I had the prettiest tan in all of my neighborhood.

If only I had a tanning bed. That however; is another story.

Point being is, I won't find love because love isn't unconditional, it isn't free, and it doesn't admire people with flaws. Especially when there flaws are exposed for the world to see.


May 19, 2011

So people think that the end of the world is this weekend

I doubt it. You won't know the date nor the hour of it so stop assuming you know the answer.

Besides, if it were the end of the world; I would have found love and have found the joy of being with someone who actually wants to be with me. 

So anyway, I left my FULL bottle of Pepsi on the sidewalk earlier. Spent $1 on it and well, that's a dollar gone to waste :/


My dad is watching BBC America

It's kind of funny, his "star trek" or whatever the show is, is rather funky.

I'm not sure if I would want a talking British robot. It's way more hilarious because of the accent. No offense to my beloved British people but it just doesn't suit well using it with a robot voice.


Well, time to go make something of my afternoon, already wasted it so far trying to get to class (which wasn't even setup for today turns out)


Well today was supposed to be the day that I take my placement test and such but I got to the college and found out that the class was rescheduled for earlier in the week (which I wasn't notified of)

The lady who handles the class apparently called everyone but I never got her phone call. To top it off, she got snarky with me like I didn't know what I was talking about.

Look lady, I know when I called that some idiot said that TODAY was the day my class was supposed to start and then your saying you called us but we never got that phone call. If your going to call someone; don't just call once.

Either way, this is a complete waste of my afternoon and I'm pretty pissed off about this. I mean really; can't people do their dang job?

May 18, 2011

It's always a black woman

Gawker suggested, not without a dose of sincerity, that the cops who removed Beard from the train were heroes, and that Beard should be charged with "unspeakable crimes against humanity and sentenced to life on some distant planet where there are no reception bars, ever."

The above snippet is from an article on Yahoo! News that talks about the woman who was removed from a train because of talking on her cell phone too loudly for 16 hours. If you can talk for 16 hours; you're surely not from Europe.

I mean seriously? 16 hour conversations are for politics or old people who haven't seen there grand kids in 10 years. Not some woman who is addicted to cell phone service and making aggressive measures at the rest of the crew.

Still, this is one of the many LOL moments in my day so far. Got to love them loud mouth black girls with there phones and hoop earings.

By the way, get a jist of what she looks like on Yahoo! News

For the first time in awhile

So today, Dylan and I actually had good moments. He played some guitar and tought me how to play "Smoke on the Water" or at least a fair bit of it.

I guess sometimes the hate just disappears or perhaps it's just temporary? I'm not sure but I prefer this kind of interaction between us. It's healthier on the misses.

So tomorrow I start school and I'm nervous, kind of not looking forward to it, and yet looking forward to it. In other words; I'm in a mixed bag of emotions. It's just been so long since I've been in school that I've forgotten half of the things I was taught (except for reading and writing which I was always very good at in school)

Nonetheless, I'm pretty happy about it and I'm excited about what lies ahead. Well, time to go eat lunch. Ciao ciao everyone!

May 17, 2011

Well, this sucks

I broke a guitar string and I don't have my replacements yet. Looks like I won't be learning anything today.

Oh well, it'll just patiently wait in my closet now.

Today really blows.

May 16, 2011

Dutch independence (the original post for "Netherlands")

I never knew that the Dutch anthem was indeed the oldest anthem of the world. It was written over 436 years ago in 1574 but wasn't adopted until 1932.

This fascinates me. I also didn't know that the Dutch sought out independence from the Spanish. The song itself is rather remarkable because of it's first person persona and the peaceful ensemble. 

I think about our anthem and what it means to me and then when I think of this one; I'm amazed at how long it has been around. I wonder how people in 1574 spoke. Perhaps they were like Edgar Allan Poe or even like Leonardo Da Vinci.

Regardless, It's an anthem that has a nice historical background. Het Wilhelmus translates to "The William" and the song was written as if William of Orange were singing it to the Spanish in the Dutch Revolt. 

One other fascinating tidbit is the fact that the Japanese anthem has the oldest lyrics. The Japanese anthem was written in the 9th century. Truly amazing how long songs can last. Decades beyond their expiration (which is bound not to happen of course).

Now I feel like reading some history books. Does that make me geeky? 

On a side note; I get my guitar on Wednesday (or so Paypal is stating) and I can't wait to fool around with it to see if I even have any natural strumming skills. Hopefully I do. 

I was in Walmart earlier today and saw a guy whom resembled my ex (now friend) and it was rather odd. He really looked similar to him but it was as if it was him in some other person's body. I don't know how to explain it but it was interesting at least and made for a positive evening for me. At least in comparison to the rest of the shebang that I've had this week.

I found out today that Switchfoot STILL relaxes me when I'm stressed or upset. I guess Christian rock is just the thing to go with sometimes but if you believe like I do; you already know that it's great for you. 

One of my favorites from the Best Of album is their song "Learning to Breathe" because I feel (in a sense) that I'm learning to breathe and that I'm no longer relying on myself per say but on the man upstairs; God.

I have to say though that I slipped today for a moment, I got fed up with my step brother and it was rather tragic to feel so angry but I was letting out some of that feeling for once. I may have cussed like a sailor but I at least retracted myself after some time and calmed myself enough to know that it's not worth it.

I shouldn't feel sorry or bad for someone who treats me as an underdog and clearly doesn't understand the hell I've been through in my life so far and I don't accept his hate of gay people either. I know I have mommy issues because in 1st grade; I broke out in tears in the middle of math class. It's was odd but I couldn't help it.

When I was little I used to be scared of the dark and want my dad to assure me that I was safe because I needed that mother figure to tuck me in at night; I just didn't have it for awhile.

I used to cry and throw a fit when my dad would leave for work. It wasn't easy being motherless. I craved her existence. I needed her around more than anyone.

My sister was like my mother for years. She did her best to be three things: Mother, Sister, and Friend. All of which she ended up mastering really well. Which makes her the best darn mom her kids will ever have. 

Speaking of which, I heard the other day from my dad that Kyzer handed Steff an unused diaper and told her that the baby stinked. I can't remember what he called the baby but I think it's "bubba" or something. Regardless, I thought that was the cutest thing I have heard lately. 

I really miss my family a lot and I would love to go visit them soon. Hopefully me and my dad will in the next month or so. I believe June is the month that we're planning to take the trip to see them. I'll finally get to see how big Kyzer has gotten. Malick too :)

Well, it's time for bed and perhaps a movie. Speaking of which (before I get off of here) I finally saw the Jim Carrey film; "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" the other day. I loved it. It was quirky and indie like and weird all in the same note that it was beautiful and poetic. 

I really love movies that show the realism of relationships and love. All these "sappy romances" get on my nerves because none of it depicts what real life is actually like. It's not always kisses and hugs at the end of the walk. Sometimes you go different places or you meet other people and so on. 

But, I'm going to go now before I start writing about politics or something else that will consume this post. Hope everyone has a fantastic and blessed week/weekend ahead. 

PS: Every time you eat a "Zero" bar; think of me because it's one of my favorite candy bars. It's so flipping delicious!

Why I believe men are different from women

It's a common fact that men lack the communication skills that women have which in most results will prove marriage an unfit disaster.

Men are complicated and so are women. The difference is the fact that each sex is different in their approach on mutual subjects. For example; love.

Men tend to want it but rarely stumble after it. Women want it but almost always try to stumble after it because it's one of the many motherly traits that are within women from birth.

It's true, women are born to be mothers. Men are born to be fathers but most lack that trait due to the lack of maturity and inconsistency within their measures.

I know, I'm a guy and I'm putting my own gender down but really, even in my experience. I can validate that sometimes, women really are smarter.

Women account for raising a child usually because fathers are the ones whom seek authority of the household and work to take care of their family. Women are the cleaning ladies, the laundry folders, and the compassionate ones that children speak to often times because of their immediate place of understanding (though this perspective isn't always the same)

Still I digress. What is your perspective on the diversity between sexes? Are women really from Venus and are men really from Mars?

Blah de dah

I was walking through and all of the sudden a young marine (beside his ugly wife and two little girls) blurts out "FAG" in a soft but loud monotone voice.

I was wearing black, all black and my favorite glasses. I was quiet and shopping for a few tidbits with my dad.

This was yesterday.

First off, if you have to belittle me to feel good in front of your wife; your a sad sad pathetic man who needs a reality check.

Secondly; just because I am myself and you can't come out of your stupid little closet doesn't mean you have to go around hating on me just because I am wearing whatever I feel like and not what some forced government is paying me to wear.

Thirdly; We're not supposed to judge each other but yet you do because your a foolish man who doesn't know that God told you how to act decades before you were even thought of.

Fourthly; I don't care if you think that I'm a "FAG" because I know that I am whomever I want to be and for you to think for me would be conforming to what EVERYONE ELSE wants and not for myself. I won't do it.

To anyone who has a problem with my looks or how I talk or how I dress or ANYTHING..........get a perogative and leave mine alone because my life doesn't revolve around you

I may have lost more than most of you people out there and even part of myself but at least I'm honest about who I am. Can you say that same for yourself or are you too busy judging the rest of the world to make up for the crap your unable to admit to yourself?


The wiser I get, the fatter I get

I guess it's true, once you gain some pounds, you turn all jolly like some sort of saint or something.

I mean, I'm not humongous but I'm getting a tummy and I really don't like it. Then again, I haven't a need to impress someone because quite frankly I give a poop less who likes and doesn't like me. You either do or you don't and that is just the simple basis.

So I have to say, people change. Too much.

Every time I go to DG (Dollar General) which is a store we go to because of the bargains; the girl I once knew from school who works there acts rather cavalier in comparison to the days when I spoke to her in class.

I'm not sure if she's another one of those anti kinds or just plain lost.

It's hard when people change. You meet the great side of them and then; bam....they hit you with a complete opposite

Andrea was a sweet girl who didn't judge anybody and she talked with an upbeat spirit; now she's quiet and seems like a judgmental and sarcastic kind of gal. I don't like it.

Not to mention, half of my family is either anti-social or just plain anti-diversity and I don't like that either but I have to live with it because they're all I have left.

Is it bad to wish you were in another family or had a different life sometimes? I've been feeling that way for a long time now but I just haven't spoke up on it until now.

People will never understand me because I'm the one that changes more than they will; I'll grow up.......they never will

I'll be glad when Wednesday arrives. I will finally have a new toy to play with (my guitar) and then I can strum away all the b.s. I've had to put up with over the years.

Whether it's European or American; something has got to be different than what I've had. I need something refreshing and something inviting. Not a bunch of push aways and silencers.

Just doesn't work well for me.

May 15, 2011

Only in the South

I never meant to expose this or talk about it because it's quite personal but screw it, I need to vent on it for a bit.

My sister Jamie is married to a sicko. 

I've been holding this in for awhile but he has tried to lure me into having sexual relations with him. He sends me letters on Facebook from time to time and all they say is "I love you" and nothing other.

I don't know what to do other than to shut off that part of my life with my sister because her husband is apparently gone perverted and I can't tell her.

What do you do when your in situations like this? How do you take it on face value that your sisters husband is a sicko?

He tried this shit with my sister Stephanie when I was younger, claiming that she was hitting on him (my sister would never do that and she has WAY better taste)

I love my sister Jamie but I don't want to walk back into dealing with that. I don't deserve to deal with that stuff and I won't do it.

I feel so alone in this situation and I can't talk about it with anyone; no one would understand it or be able to actually help. So I guess I have to try and give it to God.

The hard part is giving it to him. 

I know I have to tell her why I won't answer her calls eventually; I just don't know how to tell her without breaking her away from me.

Here's to a hopeful outcome soon; ciao ciao.

May 14, 2011

Look like a European fashionista

So today, I spent the last bit of my money on the best dang jacket I've ever found. It's from Cambodia but looks like a french fashion jacket. It's black and tampered to make your body look like a toned beauty. For me at least.

I love it and it will go great with my cute artsy tank I found today. I'll be looking like a European lover. Well maybe not lover but I will look a little bit Euro.

It's nice to have found it though, it's got flare that no other hoodie has around here. It makes me look like I'm actually not chubby. Then again, who do I got to look good for?

So I've decided that when I have big money in my pockets; I will be going clothes shopping at the wonderful thrift store. Every store has it's perks and it always has ONE spot that has the best clothes. Hopefully none of you clothing addicts are reading this but; I've claimed my domain in that store. Jackets and hoodies are all mine! Yes, I am not letting another person take my favorite spot.

Okay so maybe I'm a little crazy but really, clothes are like candy for me. I see them and automatically I want to wear them out of the store. I mean really; a jacket that looks like something out of Paris' fashion week for only $4.59?? You can't beat that!

Well, time to go play! Ciao ciao cute ones.

May 13, 2011

So we got a plasma

42" plasma sitting on a table, broadcasting. I have to say, it's nice but it hasn't completely sunk in yet. Though it is a rent-to-own so we could lose it at anytime due to bills too; might as well enjoy it while I still have the chance.

So at the moment, I'm washing the last load of laundry for myself. I've washed probably 2-3 loads today. I almost never do that but hey, time to stock up on the smelly goodness of fabric softner and detergent.

It's really great to finally have the opportunity to have clean clothes. I didn't get to do laundry as much as I wanted before because we couldn't always afford the stupid laundry mat. This is the best change we've had lately and I'm completely upbeat from it.

I've been thinking lately about a couple things. I really can't wait to get out on my own, I want some freedom that I can't have sometimes at home.

I really feel in my heart that it would be good for me to be like a bird and flee from my flock. It's just closer and closer to that time when I've just got let go.

Hopefully the homophobic drama will leave too. I'm getting sick of my past daunting me almost every time I start to feel good again.

Guess in life, you just have this inevitable drama that never ends. If it does; you've found peace.

Hot latin guy and a new TV

So today; I did a lot of things. I created a sign to counteract Dylan's hate which reads on my bedroom door "Fag's room". I cleaned up the kitchen and washed a lot of dishes.

I was waiting patiently for the blogger issue to clear and FINALLY it's gone. I'm so glad that stuff is over. I feel bad a little bit because I cussed pretty bad today but when you get angry sometimes; it just happens. So forgive me father for acting foolish.

Anyway, I have to say...ordering furniture from Aaron's is wayyy better than rent-a-center. They're not only really nice but pretty darn yummy to stare at too.

Can't help myself, the latin one was a looker...

Anywhom, I'm cutting this short for now, so ciao ciao!

May 11, 2011

Guitar strumming Branni

So I woke up today and the first thing that happened to me was the fact that Brenda bought me the guitar I wanted.

It was on eBay for $34.99 and comes with a bag, strap, guitar pick, lesson book, and a pipe tuner. How cool is that that we found such a great deal?

It's rather beautiful to me and I can't wait to start playing it, I will get it sometime between May 13 - May 19.

May 10, 2011


So we got our tele back on, though I'll be honest. I've grown quite fond of not having it, kept my mind on important things I think.

We are waiting for pizza to arrive which will be here around 12pm even though it was ordered at 10am. Talk about a delay.

I mean really, since when do pizza places open up at 12pm rather than earlier?

Absolutely horrible.

I've been reading up today that Chrome OS may be released this week or at least a huge announcement will be made at the Google I/O event (it's an event where developers from all over the world join together to discuss and prepare for big technological happenings)

I'm a little excited because a lot of the updates that the development team is getting; us beta users are left without for now. Slowly wondering if I should go unstable this week just to try out all the new nooks and crannies.

It's really beautiful outside today. Warm and sunny like it should be.

Would love to steal away a boat and go sailing on the ocean front for a moment or perhaps gawk at random surfers as I wonder what it must be like for them to be so close to danger.

Guess you could say that I miss the beach a little bit. This white boy needs some color this summer and so I think I will try a little harder to get that color this time. I look better when I'm tan and my eyes pop out more too.

I can't help it though, I was born to be pale. It's the Irish in me.

So earlier this week I fixed up Dylan's computer in his room (only has 247MB of RAM) and it's running a little better. I put Ubuntu 9.10 on it and it seems to work well as long as your not trying to multi-task. I mean let's face it, with that little of memory, it's a computer fit for a 2 year old.

Then again, he kind of acts like one sometimes so maybe it fit well given the circumstances?

I mean that of course in the nicest possible way. Sure we argue and tend to act like we hate each other but truth be told; he's family and family always comes first.

I kind of went off the other day on someone and I feel bad for it. I mean it's not like I meant to react the way I did with them but it kind of just happened. I guess when you think something differently; it bites you right in the tush.

I don't know though, I just lost a little bit of myself in the moment. Either way, hopefully they can forgive me if I came out a bit prude. Kindness is the key to happiness and that is a lesson I've learned all too well in my life.

Well, it's time for me to get going for a bit. It's 11:30am over here as of the ending of this post and I'm anxiously awaiting lunch.

Ciao ciao

May 9, 2011

Music and me

Sometimes I look at pictures of famous people and think "must be lonely being them" and it's a major reason I wouldn't want it if someone said "Hey, I'll make you famous"

I admit that in my past I was at fault with it because I got carried away when it really wasn't something that big of a deal in all honesty, I guess when its your first true studio experience, it changes you for a moment if you let it.

You begin to seal in a deal that never existed to start with and play yourself in the "fame" game that wasn't meant to be.

I already know; I wasn't meant to be famous. I wasn't even meant to be a performer. I was simply meant to do what I love and to help someone (no matter how small the group) get past their pains and find their hope that they're entitled to.

Looking back on my experiences, they happened for a reason. I'm not sure what the reason was but maybe I learned something before I was told about it or perhaps it was to show how quickly it can change you and I didn't even have what I thought I had, I was blind.

Some of my close friends whom turned into fans asked me when I would do more music and the truth is; i'm not sure when I will. I just know that I will again someday.

I'm not ready for that life yet. I still have to grow and get myself to the point of learning what I need to learn in order to be the musician i've seen in my head.

I don't want to follow the crowd, I don't want to sing what people sing, and I don't want to be just another name on a CD somewhere. I want to be ME and the only way to do that is to do it on my own. In my own time.

It could be years from now before you hear me sing something or never again but regardless, though God gave me this voice; doesn't mean I will automatically have the key of using it.

I don't have the answers and I don't know where I stand, I just know that what I love is a complicated source of needs that I haven't met yet. I'm cancelling my planned musical venture for now because I have other priorities that need my attention.

If I don't meet them first; I may never have a chance of making something again. Some people can do it but its not always so easy as it looks. A lot of work goes behind what musicians do and people should realize; it's one of the hardest jobs to do.

I say job because it's like a job. There are steps you take to prepare for your release, recording, contract, and promotions. Marketing is another story.

I'm not meant to do it yet. Till the day I begin again; God bless.

A reason to love Google

Secular spectacular

So yesterday me and Brenda were discussing different religions and how many of them steal from other beliefs.

I didn't know that our beloved "ying yang" charms and such were actually promotion for Confucius. Sorry but that killed my ever wearing one of those again, I mean if I don't believe in it, why would I want to promote it?

Did you know that in the Islamic religion; Jesus is mentioned but only as a prophet? See, Jesus for us was the important one, the one who came to save us. For them, they looked to Mohamed as their Saviour but they don't believe in salvation, so it's not really a Saviour but more of the important person for them.

I thought that was pretty interesting. No other religion mentions Jesus except for them.

I'm not going on a religious rant or anything and if you decide to feel ugly towards me for stating a little bitty piece of conversation I had on this topic; you should go read some books or something because I really have nothing to say to that.

Either way, I'm learning a lot these days. With school starting up soon, I think it might just help a little bit for me to know a few of these things.

Wrote a little something

Every Little Thought: Excerpt Five: What do you think?

The 5th installment of my small mini book blog. This one is far more personal than any other post I've written.

May 8, 2011

Dang that's a lot of people

So for mother's day we took Brenda out to Golden Corral and boy was it crowded. You could barely sit down without someone breathing on you.

I wore my favorite sunglasses which might explain why so many attractive men kept looking at me or maybe they were straight and wondering "why is that dude wearing sunglasses"

Thought of my ex today because Brenda delightfully taught me the rules of etiquette at the dinner table. I didn't know that rich people had a certain way of using silverware and placing them on the table. The raspberry tea was delicious though and I drank almost two full glasses of it before we left.

There was some teenage guy (he was a looker) who would not stop staring at me. It made me feel a little awkward; I mean I don't really care for people staring at me to start with but when it's a teenager; it starts to get a little odd.

Nonetheless, people were nice today for the most part. A lot of people everywhere though. I had to get the nacho cheese from the taco bar rather than beside the fried chicken like I normally do. The best part of my meal bar none was the strawberries. I love strawberries. Chocolate covered ones especially :)

So this is a very random post but I couldn't think of much else to really say other than the fact that today was a pretty okay day and I feel somewhat attractive again after pretty people were looking at me a lot. Then again, I'm not really looking for anything, so it doesn't matter but it's the thought that counts.

I found out my friend Nancy works at the local Subway down the street from us. It was really nice to see her the other day and I've missed her company. We're hopefully planning to hangout on Tuesday since it's her day off after 3pm but who knows; depends on weather and so many other things too really.

The only thing that didn't really pan out well today was the factor of my favorite beanie. I placed it on the toilet paper above the stool in the bathroom while I was shaving earlier today and forgot I left it there; it came crashing down into the toilet after Dylan accidently knocked it down.

Luckily; it didn't fall into nasty water (already flushed) but no way in all the blue sky was I about to dry it and wear it as is. I found a black beanie in my dad's room and took to it like glue.

Either way, I won't lie about one thing, I find myself still attracted to people and longing for that "relationship" I will never have but at least now, it's easier to accept that I don't really need it than it used to be. I believe the best solution is to deny it and keep living the single life. I can't have my cake and eat it too (unless it's real cake)

Well, time for this little bird to fly off into sleepy land. Hope everyone had a great mother's day! Remember; your mother is a blessing because without would have ended up like I did...doing very bad things at a young age

Ciao ciao everybody

A church that won't judge you

This is the church that I call home right now. Yes, I will have a physical church that I will attend but for now; this is the closest thing to it.

I encourage anyone who is looking for answers or is in need of God's grace to visit this online church and truly see what a blessing it is.

God isn't out to hurt us or to condemn us, he is there to provide hope; love; and peace. He wants us to be made whole through him because with him, we are alive. Don't give up; God is there to help us in our time of need.

I hope everyone will have a wonderful mother's day today and don't forget to show your mother all the love you can!

God bless

I was

I was a broken soul.
I was a scattered storm.
Till I found your face.

I had pain.
I had shame.
Till I found your face.

I was selfish.
I was betrayed.
Till I found your face.

God loves me.
God loves you.
I'll keep following.
Till I find your face.

Conversation with George

So the other day I was delighted to reunite with the man behind the song "White Lies" that I had made a couple years ago.

It had been awhile since I last spoke to him but I relate to him both as a musician and as a friend which helps me to bring up topics I can't discuss with other friends I have.

Like sex and religion. We all question it and we all wonder where to draw the line. Is masturbation something to be against? Is sex before marriage a sin?

We were put on this Earth to procreate in some people's eyes but in my eyes, it's far deeper than that. We were put here to help and help we shall.

Personally, I've always felt weary when putting sex and religion together in the same sentences. I guess it's just the whole idea of what could potentially be considered a persons hardest addiction at times.

For me, sex before marriage isn't right but then again, I follow most of what Jesus told us in the scriptures. I say most because everything else; I'm still trying to learn.

Masturbation is a sketchy topic because so many people not only do it but advocate it too. I can see where people find it sinful because you are basically murdering a potential creation.

So is it a sin? While it isn't direct in the Bible that masturbation was even an issue that God recognized, many believe that if it comes from sexual fantasies (which are not of God's teachings) that it is in fact; sin.

I'll let you judge for yourself with this verse from the book of Matthew:

Matt 5:28-29 (NIV) [Jesus:] "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."

Clearly this verse can be interpreted in several ways. Take for instance the last two sentences. Some could see it as a means to promote manslaughter while others could see it as a means to dismantle the use of "self" explorations.

It is clear however that lust is a major issue in our world. From a young age we're taught that sleeping with someone is an action of love but little do we understand; God has a specific way of going about that love with someone. Sex before marriage is wrong so therefore; for anyone to sleep with someone without holy matrimony, they have sinned and must repent unto him.

But that's what I've taken from it. Call me foolish but I have my own way of thinking on these topics.

You can read more about this issue through this link.

Though my friend George brings up a good point. Why is sex so enjoyable?

For that question; I'll leave it up to you to decide that. I personally am finding that since I've given up on sleeping with anyone; I've been able to see things clearer and to feel more love than I could with another person next to me.

It's God that shows you that you don't need another person beside you to feel loved because God loves you and I more than that person ever could and hopefully someday; you and many more will see that beautiful love that God has gifted us.


If I were British

Sometimes I wonder if I had been a British kid; would I have turned out more proper and full of etiquette?

Though a lot of English men and women today aren't as classy as say those before them; I'd like to think that if I had been a British kid, I would have had a little proper mannerism still.

I'm not saying I'm horrible and that I am the rudest and foulest person on the planet but I do see on occasion, where I need to improve. Mannerisms are important because they will in the end show people how you look at yourself in a sense.

Maybe this is a reason why I admired the boy in leather for so long; he knows who he is. He spoke like a classy gentlemen, so full of peace and polite gestures.

I know that even if we are not raised rich in funds, we should be raised rich in personality because our personalities will always reveal ourselves to people.

On a side note; celibacy has never felt so great. It's true, you really find out more and gain more knowledge when you don't "give it all away".

Well, it's time to go remember my mother for the day. I think I will day dream of her and perhaps have a dream conversation with her or maybe later; sing something she liked to sing.

Happy mum's day everyone :) Go show your mother's how proud they should be!

May 6, 2011

This one's a short one

So I was on Facebook today and I looked at a fellow musical friend of mine. He lives in Florida but little did I know that there is a city in Florida named Brandon.

Turns out I'm so cool that Florida named a city after me. I feel loved :)

Hopefully I can go to Old Navy today and look into some sales. I don't get out much but clothing is something I would love to get out for. Did I mention I'm addicted to beanies and hoodies?

It's just a truth that anyone who knows me would have to live with. Yeah, I like to be covered because my body is a temple or so I've been told all these years although, if a temple is made to withstand cuts; I have yet to have been a good temple because I've had a lot of cuts and bruises in my days.

I still remember a few times as a kid, bicycling down the road and gashing up my knee because I wanted to be cool and try to do the "no hands" trick.....didn't turn out so brilliantly as I expected

Though, I digressed.


I've asked about her quite a few times and the one thing my dad always says is that she loved me more than any mom could. I was her precious one. I always came first and she always gave me a spoonful of coffee creamer every morning as she stood by the coffee maker making herself a morning cup of coffee. Perhaps this explains why I love coffee so much. 

My dad isn't much of a coffee guy but my mom LOVED her coffee and so I am destined to have a coffee machine in my house someday.

She was a very beautiful lady. She loved to read, knit, cook, and upbeat music. She also sang really well which is the definitive connection between us. I got her musical gifts. My dad however cannot sing and thus my gift is not associated with him. I know that he knows that my mom lives on through me. It's that way with every child usually or sometimes the father lives on through them. 

We are either one or the other; it's just how DNA works.

I miss her sometimes, I wonder what conversations I would have had with her had she stayed on this Earth. I found out one thing I didn't know about her death that was a little bit shocking. 

My sister Jamie told me that she knew her death was coming a month or so before she passed. She was really sick and getting worse. Why my dad never told me about that part is beyond me but as a father; he was simply protecting me from falling apart upon it.

This Mother's day won't be just about remembering her but celebrating her as well. She was a wonderful woman and a great mother. I know that if she was still here, she would love me just as much as she did when I was a little bitty kid.

For now, I leave a memento of her upon this post. A picture I cherish because she smiled with a glow. She was a truly blessed woman and I know she's with God today, rejoicing in his name and happily free. 

Beverly Jean Whaley 
(January 5, 1956 - December 2, 1993)

May 4, 2011

So the clock tumbles

Last night, I gave in a bit. Something I didn't want to do but it raised questions of a few things. So today, I'll be chatting over the phone with my friend George from VA about it all; he seems to know a bit more than I do but he was always the wiser friend of the bunch.

Recently I've been thinking about musical work and what I want to accomplish within the field. I decided I want to go back to my roots, to when I was a kid and the sweet smell of honeysuckles and roses traveled the air outside my house. Even though now; that childhood home is gone due to the Randleman River Dam that was built there which is unbelievably huge; you never would have believed that we used to live there.

My roots are important because they bring me to a time in life I for so long regretted and went against. I didn't feel it necessary to really take count what I was doing to myself all the times that I couldn't admit to things I should of done differently. Nonetheless, it's a new day!

I grew up on country, classic rock, and soft rock, 80s, and a slight touch of pop music. I've lately found a stronger love for country and acoustic music that I had lacked before.

Listening to it lately, I know why I love it so much. It's because country and acoustic music is relatively; FEARLESS.

No one is ashamed to admit that they belief in God when everyone else thinks you should keep your mouth shut about it. No one is ashamed to admit that they are not perfect and it's not a bunch of crappy tunes with vocals of women and men degrading themselves and talking about nailing the next happy camper to walk by them. It's raw, it's real, and it's emotional.

Which is why I am going to dig deeper into it. I know I can truly learn something from it and I can embrace the fact that I have hope to change into a better person than that of before.

I may lose friends due to their lack of a belief system but it won't be something I will judge on them nor take personally because I know that we are all different and we all make choices in our lives that sometimes others just don't understand.

If anything though, I know that with understanding comes the next step in your journey; the step of letting go.

May 3, 2011

I never was a negativity lover

I look around me and see so many things that think of this or that as broken or without or dead. Have you not seen the beauty in what is living?

We have a God given gift to breathe and to walk around an Earth that has animals that are smarter than our insects; that should stand for something.

On a side note; we ate out today for the first time in centuries and it was nice but me and Brenda both agree that we might not eat the nacho cheese anymore. Could the cheese be a culprit as to why my stomach (and Brenda's stomach) have been so quesy?

I'm not sure but I feel like staying away from over heated food for awhile. Golden Corral; what happened today? Someone lost there brains on the job?

Anywho, I digress.

School is starting in a couple weeks (May 19th to be exact) and I'm a little nervous but anxious at the same time. I'm mostly nervous because I am afraid of the academic challenges that lie ahead but anxious because I want to get out into the world and start to make an independent living.

I love my parents but even a bird must flock to nature and I'm that bird lately.

Well, enough posting for today I suppose....unless I have some random thought that travels my brains for hours and hours like I do on some nights...we'll see what comes along

Ciao ciao my friends.

I never was a negativity lover

I look around me and see so many things that think of this or that as broken or without or dead. Have you not seen the beauty in what is living?

We have a God given gift to breathe and to walk around an Earth that has animals that are smarter than our insects; that should stand for something.

On a side note; we ate out today for the first time in centuries and it was nice but me and Brenda both agree that we might not eat the nacho cheese anymore. Could the cheese be a culprit as to why my stomach (and Brenda's stomach) have been so quesy?

I'm not sure but I feel like staying away from over heated food for awhile. Golden Corral; what happened today? Someone lost there brains on the job?

Anywho, I digress.

School is starting in a couple weeks (May 19th to be exact) and I'm a little nervous but anxious at the same time. I'm mostly nervous because I am afraid of the academic challenges that lie ahead but anxious because I want to get out into the world and start to make an independent living.

I love my parents but even a bird must flock to nature and I'm that bird lately.

Well, enough posting for today I suppose....unless I have some random thought that travels my brains for hours and hours like I do on some nights...we'll see what comes along

Ciao ciao my friends.

So OBL is dead

But I still find it fishy how they dumped his body in the ocean; couldn't they have done something like electrocuted him or something more "government" like? 

I don't know if I trust his death as stating our country is supposed to be at ease more; Al Qaida is still at large and they will probably try to do something dumb over his death because thats how almost all cults are. 

I'm happy that he is dead though. He murdered so many of our people and not really just our people; he murdered European people and several of the other kind of people which were in those planes and NY during those terrible hours. So really; this should be not just a victory for America but for everyone else as well because this evil man murdered so many types of people and even small children. 

I know that we are to forgive but I can see how it is hard to forgive murderers now after witnessing such a horrible act of terror on our country back in 2001. I have forgiven but I have never forgotten. 

I'd like to say to the military out there that helped defeat the evils against our people; Thank you for standing tall and fighting out there when you didn't have to. It's your love for your people that has shown how beautiful our country really is. I'm honored now to live in a town with people that are going to work everyday to fight for MY freedoms. 

You guys are truly blessings for us. I also should add too that it is rather nice to see European soldiers popping up here. Hopefully I will meet one of you sometime and have a delightful conversation over tea?

So, I'm going to go off topic for now...we went to Walmart today and me and Brenda melted over how much we long to have a pet, and as I was looking at the pictures of kittens and cute puppies all over the pet foods and toys I thought to myself that instead of adopting a child someday, I think it would be fun to raise a kitten as if it were a child. Feed it, nurse it, and really get an idea of what being a parent is all about. 

Parenting is a beautiful thing and I wish that so many of those out there who abuse it could see how blessed they are to have their children. They really get to hold the future in their hands. 

If I had a kitten, I would name her Arabella because the name means "beautiful" and my cat would be beautiful to me :)

Though if it were a boy, I would probably name him Pete; no relation with it really...I just think Pete is a cute name for a tomcat. 

Well, it's time to go think in terms of redeeming this Redbox code for a free movie rental; any ideas on what to rent anyone?