Even when I've moved on from my past and found a future that I never imagined would have been here years ago; I feel as if I still have a wall up.
Sometimes I'm sad and for no reason I know it to stem from what comes within. I'm not like so many out there who rely on vanity and selfishness to get by.
I'm not one to ever say I'm beautiful because I lack that quality due to my overwhelming need to separate myself from my former selves.
I go crazy at night when I think of how slow time seems to be when you think too much. Thinking is all I can do right now though and it's what has kept me from point a to point b.
In this life, we all pay a price for our mistakes. Sometimes I just have to wonder if I'm paying taxes on mine.
This post isn't meant to be depressing or extreme. I'm simply analyzing the place I've landed.
I have such a high need to be in music because it sets me free. I feel like people shut up and listen to people when they pour there living breath into a song that means more than 5 minutes of social propoganda and "likes"
Unlike the people; I never had a need for pills, drinks, cigarettes, or any of that stuff. I have a temple and it walks with me, or so my heart still screams to me from night to night.
It seems judgmental to some but I can't help that I don't want to be around people who are glued on their selves, what they do, who they are to the world. I just for once want to meet someone who is selfless.
I see it everyday, people walking by and sporting their cover like they belong to royalty. Even the royal have enough class to keep it simple.
Why can't these people?
A lot of my ex friends had wondered why I would act like I did; crazy sometimes...sometimes overwhelmed...sometimes lost
It's because unlike this world; I'm not focused on getting laid or connecting with a crowd or finding a love that will die after I pass
I'm focused on finding myself and finding my place in all of this madness.
My world is different. It has no judgment, it has no darkness, it has no confusion. It just is. It is full of life and hopes that are provided by a man that truly holds the only key to my happiness.
I want to be with someone; I have always wanted this but I feel like if I force my heart to deny it and find what I feel will last longer than what so many waste their entire lives to find; I'll find something that is worth keeping. Something that won't let me down or let go of me. No games, no shames. Just unconditional and true love. Something I can't see in humanity anymore.
Eh, I'm just rambling like a child..I got to sleep, the beach will be calling to me tomorrow but I will keep my shirt on, lord knows I don't look skinny in my clothes anymore.
This is how much weight I've gained; I used to be able to wear size small and medium in men's, women's, and I was considered petite.
I now can't wear anything below large and x-large. I feel like a fat bum and I feel hopeless in terms of my weight. It's so hard to try and lose the weight too.
I've tried the diet thing, I tried exercise. I even offered to workout with a friend of mine but that never happened either. So I guess I will pray and pray until I either do it for myself or someone helpful comes along to bust me into shape so I can feel good about myself again.
It's not just the face for me. It's a lot of things. My body growing up used to be beautiful to me. I had the tone, tan, and the health that I wanted. I slept better and felt better.
People used to envy my physique and now I envy theirs. I don't want to but I do.
Maybe it will keep getting better; I have to hold onto this hope I've seen. Without it, I'm nothing.