April 30, 2011

To Find God

It's always been my DNA to be different in some way. I was raised in a baptist lifestyle with very strict beliefs that if I was gay; I was wrong and therefore, I was not going to Heaven.

While I still believe that; I also believe that if you are gay and try not to act upon such behavior while trying to follow God's commands and be more like Jesus; you have the chance to be accepted in the kingdom of Heaven when you pass.

It's a major struggle I face everyday. I wake up and wish that I wasn't given the burden of being unfit from the start. I've asked God many times why I was born into this life and why I can't seem to escape it.

People can think what they want to think but the bible tells us to sort out our own salvation. Each person has a different path towards this salvation. Some are able to find more answers or better themselves in a different context then my options.

Though I have yet to have fully understood where to begin. This week I plan to start reading on my bible plan which will end on April 29, 2012. I hope that I will find the answer I need to help myself fully commit to what I know is the only way of truly living.

I don't want to lose. I don't want to be the one that won't ever achieve.

Only I can help myself and only God can help me to know what I have to do to get home someday.

I will make mistakes, every person does. I have the mistakes of sexual desires and extremely vulgar thoughts sometimes. I know that it's not of God but I have moments when I give in and can't seem to accept that I need this change for the better of myself.

Feeling ashamed is something I deal with a lot because I don't want to let him down but I know in my heart, I will make it someday because I have faith in him that I will be home with my mom and grandpa.

Please everyone, pray for me. I will need all the prayer I can get and I will appreciate every prayer I get too.

April 28, 2011

"Won't Forget You" by B. Mikal

We go on, to a place that we've waited for
While the world is mourning and families are in warning

We lose to these games, to a battle that we can't face
While the people are staring, not knowing that love kills the pain

No, I won't forget you
No, I won't forget you
No, I won't forget you

I won't let you disappear from me tonight
If love wasn't here, then surely I'd never know who you were

You were the best girl I ever knew

We're sad, with the loss of someone who needed a chance
We're mad, with the truth that we can't see them again

No, I won't forget you
No, I won't forget you
No, I won't forget you

I won't let you disappear from me tonight
If love wasn't here, then surely I'd never know who you were

You were the best girl I ever knew

I believe, someday you'll be right beside of us, smiling with those big brown eyes.

Someday you'll be starting another life with your family, times that no one can take away again

No, I won't forget you
No, I won't forget you
No, I won't forget you

I won't let you disappear from me tonight
If love wasn't here, then surely I'd never know who you were

You were the best girl I ever knew

If love wasn't here, then surely I'd never see it clear

You were the one friend I'll never forget
You were the one girl I knew wasn't left behind

For Mandy

I will light a candle for you during the month of April every year now to remember you. I wish I could have been there during those last moments so I could have shown you that you still had a friend.

It's been years since we had seen each other and I hated moving away from Randleman. I never wanted to move and I never wanted to lose contact but sadly life is that way.

You were an amazing girl. So full of life and so much to say and it was inspiring when I was younger. I remember all the times we hung out when I was in Randleman, growing up into the person I am now.

It's hard not to look at your picture right now without bursting into tears. I can't help it though, you don't lose some of your best friends every day and losing you is like losing family because back then; you were part of the family of friends I had, you made me feel loved because you were the first one to accept me for me. No one can defeat that.

Though your gone, your memories will live on inside me. I hope that someday I can meet you again in the great clouds and we can pick up where we left off as kids.

I wish you had never left us. I wanted more than anything to see you grow into the woman you were meant to be. Now I'll miss that.

Where ever you are, I hope that you know that you are loved and that a lot of people are missing you. R.I.P my dear friend.

Until the day we meet again, I'll be here with my candle lit, waiting.


April 24, 2011

Had the strangest dream today

I didn't wake up until about 7pm but I went to bed around 10am this morning.

I had a strange dream that the end of the world was beginning. Me and a couple whom I was friends with went to a hotel somewhere and were scared out of our mind from something we seen happening at the hotel (only we could see it though)

We left but before leaving I wanted to go grab my belongings that I left in the hotel room. A tall man whom looked very picket and stern stood in front of me and said that I wasn't allowed to go back into the hotel. I tried to move to get my things but I couldn't move, I was paralyzed in front of him.

It cut off and next thing I knew I was in a cathedral with very bright lights, television screens and people in the pews were actually satanically crazy and drunk like. I didn't understand it and it scared me but I was undercover to try and find out what was going on with the people of my town. They just weren't themselves anymore.

The guy I saw stood at the front of the cathedral with two other people. A pope and a woman whom had black all around her eyes and looked like a crazy lunatic from a movie. The pope was appearing on the screens for a commerical promoting this church and said "Welcome to a new kind of church" but he had a satanic appearance in his eyes which made it seem as if it was a false prophet working with the antichrist. I didn't know what to think.

Never thing I knew was I witness a person falling into hell and they landed on a bed surrounded by huge sky lines of fire that was burning so much that black clouds of smoke were forming around them. A charred figure fell on top of them and was raping them as the person was attached to the bed and was burning alive. This was the scariest thing I had ever witnessed in a dream and I'm still at a loss at to the purpose to why I was seeing these things and what they meant.

I woke up after that in shock and horror. What could these things mean? Why was I being shown these things? Were they significant to actual events or just false ideas playing out in my head?

In this church, the people were all holding Chinese proverb books which had a weird symbol on them. I don't remember what it was but I didn't like it.

I hope I stop having these dreams. I'm tired of seeing things that scare the daylights out of me. It's not fair in my opinion to see things that are so violent and horrible. Things that a human being could never imagine happening.

April 23, 2011

R.I.P Mandy Spivey

It was just yesterday I remember walking the halls of Randleman Middle and running into you.

I remember us laughing together and hanging out with Russell during the summer time; going to Nascar days together and gossiping in the morning at the school gym before we went to class.

I remember all of the times when me and Taylor would meet up with you down his street and we would all hangout together on the weekends.

Can't believe your gone. I wish I could have been there to help you through your pain and help you feel like someone cared.

It's not everyday that you find out your close friend from your childhood committed suicide.

I may never know why you did it but I will remember you for all the times you made me laugh; all the times you wiped my tears; all the moments I spent with you when no one else wanted to be around. I'm going to miss you Mandy. I feel so numb right now from finding this out. It's going to take a long time for me to get over this but I will get over it because I know that that is what you would have wanted.

R.I.P my dear friend. I love you.

Gnome 3

So I tested out Gnome 3 (Fedora's Live CD) and I'm impressed. It's faster, more beautifully crafted, and simple.

It's exactly what I look for in an OS. Something that is simple and beautiful but to the point!

I stayed up all night playing around with it and downloading a couple things from BT Junkie. One of my favorite torrent sites.

We watched a movie yesterday evening called "Lars and the Real Girls" and it turned out to be a very beautifully crafted movie that opens your eyes to a clearer understanding on mental illnesses.

Basically this guy is anti-social to the extreme (things happened to him when he was a child, his mother died in a fire, his father wasn't good at raising him and his brother...etc)

So he comes across a "anatomically correct" doll (sex doll) from a co-worker at work whom shows it to him on the computer in his cubical. Lars buys a sex doll and has a relationship with her.

Everyone joins in support in the community to try and help him become normal.

I won't tell anymore of it because I may have just potentially ruined the story by telling you a bit too much but fuck it. You're either going to watch it or you're not.

I'm waiting for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" to finish downloading, it's almost done so I think today we will be able to enjoy some Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet. I hear it's a great movie to watch, so I figured...why not watch it?

Well everyone, it's time for me to head to bed. Gotta get some sleep before I find out by looking at the walls that I may not be alone in this place.

Ciao ciao mon cherie :)

April 22, 2011

Apples and Oranges

A book written by a fellow musician and friend Steven Garrett. This book so far is quite nice to read because it harnesses a diverse take on what God is and how God relates to our lives as gay people.

Today I'm reading chapter four and I am also inspired to write a little bit myself.

I've noticed today that part of the reason I'm anti-social is because of my past and being judged solely on who I was or how I looked. I find myself even now; hiding in the bathroom or in my room as the pizza delivery person is handing my step mother the pizza that we ordered.

It's a bit of a shock but at the same time, I've been so used to this way of reacting that I forget that it's not healthy and that perhaps sometimes, people are right. Maybe I am pushing people away a little bit due to my fear of being ridiculed by someone I can't help but admire in some form or fashion.

I know that lately I don't write as much as I used to but I simply look at things and think of them inside my head.

Hopefully my going back to school in May will be a step forward in terms of my social situations. I used to be very social back home because it was around me all the time; I was always in school or with friends or around my darling sister whom I miss very much lately.

It was just completely different in those days when comparing to the days I'm in now.

I'm going to set a goal soon that I can write a little bit so that I can in time, read over what I've written and perhaps find an enlightenment with what I felt then (at the time of my writing) and presently.

Maybe things will prove better than I once believed.

April 20, 2011

Anybody Else

Listen to my new conceptual development idea.

It's not too shabby if you ask me and I love it -

April 18, 2011

Audioslave - Be Yourself

One of my favorite songs from this album. I remember being 16 years old and jamming to this album 24/7. Nothing like those days of being mad at the fuck head at the school that forced me to come out and the shitty parental "mom" figure I had. So glad that I'm past that point in my life.

Doesn't Remind Me - Audioslave

Updated site and new mini profile

So I got bored last night and decided to build a new page on my site and have fun with it. I ended up with a mini profile page for myself. It's very basic but it's pretty nifty in my opinion. I learn a little bit of new HTML codes to use as well which was great.

It's already noon and I haven't been to bed yet. I'm kinda tired but I'm still pretty wired and ready to take on the beautiful sunny day that is glistening outside my windows. 

My parents are having a hard time with the computer. It is running slow; super slow and nothing is allowed to update or install. Something is wrong; hacker perhaps?

Either way, I'll be following them on that one all day. 

Enable Voice Search with Chrome Web Store

I find it often now that I like to use the new Google Voice Search feature that is built into the Google Chrome Browser (Only available in the Beta version)

Your browser version must be 11+ to use this feature. It's fairly new to the browser but it has been around for a bit with Android phones.

To snatch this cool extension; click here.

April 17, 2011

A personal entry

As I look up at the night sky with it's full moon glistening in a four way interval, I think of the time I've got left on this Earth as a gift, a special moment in time itself that is more precious than any other subject or objective that is brought forth in life.

I've always been a religiously connected person (mainly I think it's from my Cherokee side in me and my family) but I've always rebelled against it because of who I am and how so many dismantle that with what I truly believe to be the only way to truly live when your on this planet; trying and fighting to feel or see something you haven't before.

Love is something I've rebelled against for fear I would be left alone; the thing I haven't understood and I'm slowly learning in my years of getting older that love isn't from a person; it's from a being. It's from a connection that we have at birth that no one can tap into unless they truly let there heart blossom and open their eyes to what is in front of them. I still have a long time to go before I feel I'll be ready to accept that love is an entity and it isn't a person or an animal or anything that is temporary. It really is forever.

God is someone who embodies that love and only those who believe in it will truly understand that the love he has; never dies. It never leaves you behind like a person can.

His love is unconditional because his love is universal. I feel sorry for those who will never see it or even remotely feel in their heart that love is more than just a person saying "I love you"'s something bigger than we can ever imagine or create.

Now look; I'm not trying to get religious on you guys because I'll be honest...I believe in God but I haven't actually been following the way I should have perhaps. This doesn't mean that I'm not a faithful person; it just means that I need time to figure where I stand with God before I take that step in my life.

I'm not one to judge based on religious views or even what a person thinks of my views. I can find every walk of life beautiful in it's own way because I look at the person before me; not what they are doing in their life. Their life is a choice for them to deliver upon. I am merely a human being on this Earth that feels he was placed to sing and spread the words of great people and history through this talent I've been gifted with.

I thought that I would cry and feel sad or below after my breakup (closure more of) but it turns out; it was a final queue to open my eyes and really look at life from a deeper perspective. It's been a great path while it lasted but my heart is waking up from its sleep and it screams to explore life; to live for something that no one else wants to live for; to feel things I haven't felt before.

While I'll be honest that I'm not a completely positive person due to my rebellious ways for so many years; I'm finally willing to try and give it a chance to truly embody me and help me to transform into the person I feel I need to be in order to have a great life.

I hope that whoever reads this knows that they are beautiful; they are truly beautiful because they are who they should be in their lives. Every life is different and while we may not understand it; it's this life that we have that connects us to everything else we will have thereafter.

Firefox 3.6.16 is better than Firefox 4.0

Recently I installed the latest edition of Firefox on my parents computer (they have Windows 7) and found that the new version was not only super slow but it would freeze up a lot and the interface was far too complicated and changed in comparison to the 4.0 release.

It's not often that I find a new version to be worse than the older one but this is a significant change that didn't par well with myself or my family. We love Firefox and want to experience it without a hassle.

Considering, I downgraded back to 3.6.16 and noticed that it's not only speedier; but even the tabs are more responsive. No more freezes and no more questioning "why does it fuck up when their is a video playing?"

Either way, I would encourage users to try this out for themselves. You will be shocked at the difference in speed and reliability. Sometimes, upgrading is not the best option. Don't worry however; support for 3.6.16 is going to be maintained for a very long time since many users will want to stick with the best version of Firefox. At least that is my humble opinion.

You can grab the older version here:

Updated my toolbar

It looks rather nice now with it's contact envelope beside the scroll to the top icon. Instead of chatting or sending me a message on Facebook. You can now simply click the envelope icon and type an e-mail that will go directly to me.

It includes fields to provide your e-mail address and phone number if you would like for me to call you or vice versa.

Regardless, I'm please with the toolbar I picked out. Works better than Meebo! :)

April 16, 2011

Decorating with Vogue

Are you one of those people who get's a subscription to a popular magazine in the mail that you didn't subscribe to? I was.

Vogue was sending me 12 issues over a span of a few months. With all of those magazines lying around; they needed to be used for something other than sniffing the hell out of the yummy designer perfumes that I can only DREAM of wearing.

So I decided that since I am letting my wild pink roses dry and my rose petals dry as well; I would decorate my room. I needed a little color if you will and my walls have a LOT more life now. The storm was an added relaxing bonus to the job.

The first impression of opening up a vogue magazine is the impressive art that is all over the covers. It's like an art dream. Something only an artist could truly decode.

I chose two beautiful art pieces from a vogue magazine with was given in December, one very romantic couple photo, a dog licking a rainbow lollipop (cutest thing ever) and a fashionista for the designer brand "Fendi" which I am starting to become interested in as we blog here.

I've got an old framed novelty of the Osbournes, when they ran there popular show over MTV. It read "#&@# my family! I'm movin' in with...the Osbourne family"

A great addition I must say; really brings my bitchy side out again and I LOVE it!

My mother's photo rests beside my light switch; a reminder of who I am from and how my talent was given to me. My mother was a very talented woman; beautiful; and really kind from what my father has told for the past few years now. She loved to bake, loved upbeat music on the radio (including Madonna) and she loved me very much. She would spend almost all her time taking care of me; changing my diapers, feeding me a spoonful of coffee creamer whenever I walked up to her in the kitchen every morning. She was a truly amazing woman and I can't wait to meet her someday. I wonder what she's doing in Heaven right now....hmm

I know; I know, I got a little offtrack here but I can't help myself, today was a pretty great day after all and I have to thank God that we got a storm, I found inspiration from a movie to start writing and to start being more positive and already; I feel like this year will start getting better soon.

Starting school will be a big experience because it will be my FIRST time ever attending school from home. I usually attend college on campus if I can because I enjoy the people and the available help as well but I took the online choice mainly for my parents. They run a tight schedule with taking Dylan to his card tournaments, my dad goes to work all week, and my step mother is busy writing articles and figuring out how to make ends meet every day. LOTS going down!

I've been thinking recently about possibly trying not just cosmetology but perhaps a class in green living (not sure what they would call it; I think it's botany class or something like that) and I believe it could help me start my path to building my dream home; having no bills; and learning how to help protect the environment. Something my dear step mother adores and has passed on to me as an idea towards my future.

I enjoy music a lot and all but in reality; till I get a break..It won't help me survive and so I am gearing up for a very busy year with a LOT of things to look forward to.

Not only am I going to start school and hopefully my music career but I plan to work closely with a charity. I won't say which one because it will spoil the surprise but let's just say...a lot of young people will gain the help they deserve to have

I want to be a candid voice in their lives.

So far, I am working with a pretty nifty producer. Jari Witvoet. He's a very sweet guy with a great future ahead of him and I'm excited to be working with someone who is so young but so full of talent!

Talent can be found in every person. My talent is singing. His is creating kick ass beats. I think it will work well together in the long run.

I've set up a deadline for my single release. I will be releasing it on 1.5.2012 around night time.

It's a deadline I've waited to put down because I've tried to think of how to put my music in focus underneath all the work I will be putting in with school and my future as a whole.

Jari Witvoet will be not only the producer for the single but he is also the co-producer of my debut album which will hopefully be released with the next two years. I know; two years is a lot of time to wait and people are agitated to wait longer but I promise; I will deliver. I want to put my heart and soul into these projects and really give my audience something to talk about.

Well, I will close the awfully long post for now but till next time my dear bloggers; ciao ciao

Highly doubtable

I hate to say this because it will probably come back to bite me in the ass but, I doubt I'll hear from him again. Sure you can say one thing but you always change your mind or you get busy or this or's just too many excuses sometimes

Good luck to me getting that responsible man that I want; though I will probably be old and ugly by then...who would want me? No one wants me now anyway

April 15, 2011

It hurts like hell but it's for the best

I deleted an entire folder I had dedicated to my ex. It's clear now just how low things have got. He won't answer my emails but yet I was added as a contact on Flickr; I have no clue why since he can't manage to budge any words towards me. Marvel at him perhaps? I think I'll pass until I know where I stand.

It really hurts when someone you had a lot of faith in disappears and starts to act like they're snobby. It's like you no longer are convenient for them anymore so they move on to the next piece of shit thats walking around them.

Not that I'm calling myself a piece of shit but I felt like it for so long because of his silence. Today marks a day to let go of the past; the things that hurt me most. It's time to move on and feel happier with life again.

I don't know how I'll do it and I'm not sure if I'll get through it like I expect to but I have to try for once. I can't live life in regret and in false hopes that will never be reborn again.

I'm only hurting myself by allowing myself to stay addicted to this behavior. It's unfair and if a man can't speak; you shouldn't be around anymore.

The only thing I have left is God, music, blogging, and school. I don't have any friends unless they're online and that doesn't count in my opinion. I mean they are friends but it's not the same as having a real one (in person).

Here's to recovering a broken heart!

April 14, 2011

German's speak the best English and here's why...

In my humble opinion, I think German's speak the best English because they give English a beautiful yet cute accent that makes you want to adopt your own language again.

It's like hearing a baby speak for the first time; you enjoy it and find excitement in wanting to know them.

I have a wonderful German friend whom I speak with over Facebook chat quite often and I remember my first time hearing him say "hello" to me. It was like all my problems disappeared because I heard him say it in such a way that it made me want to relearn my own language and start visiting Europe.

Though I've had a bad past with European men; this time around..I've found a great friend and someone who has taught me that not all Europeans are snobs and full of unworthy habits that plague you into sleeping more often.

Thanks dear friend, you've lit up my life!

Online video conversion w/o file size limits

So I've been on the search for an online video converter that doesn't limit you in how large the file is. So far; I've had no luck in finding one.

Using an online based OS; I can't download traditional programs.

My verdict brings me to this question...

Does anyone know where I can find this solution??

New toolbar

I am offering a new toolbar on my site that loads up faster, works better, and is still just as good as the old toolbar.

I've used it before but this time, I understand the reason I chose it before. It's faster than Meebo.

I'll be blogging a lot more often now on here, so stay tuned!

April 13, 2011

Watching Julie & Julia

Strangely I get inspired to write more because I'm seeing Julie's excitement. Perhaps I should write more anyways but still, I'm not always in the mood to write.

I digress however.

April 12, 2011

Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy

This is my favorite song. I plan to cover it on my album.

Hopefully I can pay tribute to such a great song from 1984.

It's true, the 80s were the pioneer days of music.

Chromifox: Make Your Mozilla Firefox Look Like Google Chrome

Chromifox: Make Your Mozilla Firefox Look Like Google Chrome

Finally there is a way to do it! You can turn your beloved FF into a Chrome masterpiece. There is even an "Extreme" version which completely changes the way Chroming is done.

Enjoy! ;)

April 4, 2011

Join my new group!

Chrome Cr-48 Notebook Pilot is a new testing group for testers of the Cr-48 prototype to get together to discuss the notebook and Chrome OS as well as come together as people. You can join if you have a Google or Orkut account.

Sign up for Orkut today!

April 2, 2011

Using Libox to stream your media.

Recently I signed up for Libox and started to play around with it. For it to be in Alpha; it's not too shabby.

I tried out video streaming and video streaming I wouldn't recommend unless your on a 64 Bit computer with 4GB or more. Video playback is rubbish if anything and is ultimately an annoyance for more users than an added bonus.

Photo viewing is nice and works like a charm, you can also view documents within their web interface pretty well also.

Overall, it's an okay place to store your media but until video playback improves greatly; I won't be relying on it.

April 1, 2011

My first Blogger post.

Hey everyone,

Today embarks a new journey; the OFFICIAL opening of B. Mikal's new blog!

This is amongst one of the places I will blog. You can also follow me on Tumblr @ 

This blog and my Tumblr blog are the only two blogs that I will use. Facebook and all other networks are merely places to post short updates and such.

Either way, be sure to follow me on here and on Tumblr to keep in the know. Happy blogging!