And so I cave in

I've been holding back from writing something deep or personal about a guy I still love; even though he hates me now. I've been a child, a coward, and I most likely deserve what I'm getting. It hurts.

I feel dead now. I'm dying inside. It kills me to see me and this guy fight over what? Why are we still fighting? What was my issue that made me go and fuck up someone who was beyond amazing and beyond sweet to me. I can't even begin to know how one would repair the damage of this but I dream of it all the time.

Today marks the first time I've ever cried from an email in ages. I don't like crying but I guess mother nature is trying to push me. I'm going to name names and just say...

Regardless of what I've done to insult, break, and deceive you...I don't regret us and I don't regret what I feel...

I can't explain it but love isn't dead, it's just changed and I know that and I accept...I can't begin to imagine the hell you have endured dealing with me...I seriously fucked up and for that, I'm going to pay for it for the rest of my life...

I love you to the point that if it came down to it and I had to die for you to see it; I would.. I don't like seeing you like this and I miss just....talking

Never in a million years did I ever think you would start to insult me from this hurt but now I know what it feels like to be in your shoes....I feel fucking horrible and I wish the words were there so I could fix the damage I've done

Even though you've changed; I know that your still in there somewhere because I feel it in my soul. When I go to sleep at night, I can still remember my vision of you smiling and I can still hear us laughing together....What did I do to kill that? What was I thinking?

This entire blog post is about you. I don't want to fight, I never wanted to....I don't want to break anymore

The feeling you get when someone dies is equal to what I'm feeling right now. I haven't thought about suicide either since I was very young and I hate that it's even popped into my head....but I feel like after what I read this morning....I am nothing, and I never was....

I can't take back the mean things I said and I can't go back and prove that I regret those words but I can try to be real here when I say; it's killing me to see you and I act like we despise each other...I've never felt so low and so ashamed as I do right now....even I would hate me after what I've come to see....he's too good for me, and I know that....I knew it then

People of the world.....if you and your ex is fighting....stop..........it's not worth it and it kills.....if you genuinely still love the person....prove it in your actions...and your words....you and that person may not have anything again but having them around is a gift.....never get rid of that gift

On a side note; is it normally to be shaking really bad after a cruel email?

It's like my friend Brock told me a couple nights ago; over here at Jessica's place....he's into astrology and though I don't follow it much...I can't agree more with what seems to describe why I've fucked up and why I can't be trusted with the next guy....

Apparently, my sign (being a leo) claims I'm a siren....look it up....it's definitive of how I am a lot of the time....and I fucking hate it

It says that I can't love because I devour the man that gets with me.........

Maybe the lesson I learned here is that, you're right......you're dead on right and I can't deny that..... I'm not a nice guy......but I would like to try to be again.... or if anything.....someone could teach me how to get past my stupidness and grow up enough to show the kindness I'm capable of

I'd give anything right now just to make the thought of me a pleasant one for you though....I just want what is best for you....I want to know your smiling from happiness and joy that you are getting......I want to know your laughter again...............because both can cure anything in my eyes

I'm not asking for second chances or involvement......I'm asking for your forgiveness......I'm asking to you to please forgive me for being a royal fucking cunt to you..... for fucking up everything about you that was so amazing to me......to this day, I still get mesmerized by the thought of you....even now, through this storm.....I can't help but still feel something unique to you.....it's nothing to do with looks or origins..... it's just you

I hope someday we can settle these differences we have and make this a good story and not one that ends in self mutilation...you and I both deserve better than pain

To the rest of you, if I've hurt you in some way....tell me....I don't want to be cruel or conniving. It isn't right

The thing that hurts most right now is that he regrets me....and that he hates me now.....he really seems to hate me....how do you get back from that? how do you train your mind to stop the suicidal thoughts that come along after such findings?

Some drugs right now would be nice........I just want this pain to stop......I don't want to know of it anymore.....or witness its destructive behavior.....I don't want to see a guy that I love (even till this day) get murdered from my words and childish behavior

If I'm not back on here for some time, I'll miss you guys.....I really will.....but sometimes it's better to get away.....

Goodbye.....for now xxox

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