Lost

For years I felt confident in my voice that I could sing just about anything. These days I've lost my voice so much that I can't even sing some of my favorites like I could before; it doesn't help that when I got sick; my voice was damaged along with it. So, there goes my dream career.

You know, it's funny, we spend our entire lives wishing and hoping for this array of miracles to happen for us and when they don't happen; we're disappointed. We get caught up in our worry and our drive to live in a world where work is vital and play is a back burner.

I've lost that voice. I've lost that dream. What does one do when they realize they don't have the ability anymore? How did Shania Twain get her voice back and how would I get mine back? Is it a yearly thing or something that happens over the course of a couple months?

I tried practicing vocals a lot more lately but it seems I have to scream almost just to get to the notes I want to reach and my vocals are scratchy at times. I feel like I'm aging in my voice and I don't even know it. Is this what could be going on? Is my voice changing again?

That's the thing that sucks about singing. You have it one moment and the next; it dies. I'd give anything to have my old voice back. To be able to reach the notes I could and sound like a professional when I sang in public. I just don't know what to do with it now.

I can't even get a job because in this town; people are hateful of my kind and by my kind I mean; gay people. You see, it's not like a big city where there is a little glimmer of hope some place; it's just overall not a good place for me here. I don't belong here. I'm too girly for it and sadly; it's one of the things that I can't help that will always keep me from getting better treatment.

It's not something I talk about much anymore because well; who is going to listen to me? Will they really really understand what I'm going through? Have they dealt with this before?

It's a battle. It's like the whole world is a giant bully and you're always the victim. How do you turn it off? How does it get better? Where do you go to get a better life than this and how can you when you can't even get the sources you need here to achieve such dreams?

I live in a homophobic state. We can all see it and it sucks but until things change here; I can't get out and enjoy myself. I can't truly find the happiness I want so badly. It's like living in a prison here. I hate this town and yet sometimes I love it. I love the quiet times I can have but I crave the loud ones too.

I guess it all boils down to......I could really use a fucking drink right now

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