I dream sometimes of going back to love that I once had or spending my younger years by my friends whom would later be in higher places than I.
It was always a passion of mine to be someone else, if only for a day. To mean something other than a name and few written words, or a night with a passionate mister who had better things to do an hour later while I quietly left and went to sleep alone.
Sometimes you can't keep things. You can't lock those wants in a box and hope that they will all still be there the moment you want to entice yourself with one; it's not fair to the surprises that still float about in the air.
Unlike my counterparts, I'm not one to date. I never really have been. So how does one balance the thought of ever finding this thing that people rejoice about? How does one compete with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a beautiful smile that could strike lightening at opponents? How do these lips convey speech that was never produced by an automatic need to have something other than I?
Still it taunts me. The very thought of me ever marrying someone is terrifying because I know that I won't do it given the nature of my raising but still I dream of a time when I can do it and have what all the fairytale jokes had. An everlasting relationship that doesn't result in casual sex behind my back and false positives.
No I'm not referring to some kind of monstrous analogy here or trying to build up a net full of "what if" and "why" questions. I'm simply putting what I thought on digital paper.
Soon a good friend will be gone for a few years and I already promised that I would try to write to him as much as I can given the fact that he will be away for quite a period of time; by the time he is free to live again; I'll be closer to 30 than I would ever want to be.
It's always a 'body' thing though that stops me from fully connecting with someone, from fully devoting it all to that moment when if I had to lose it all; I could.
While I move on from my past; it's the past that taught me not to be completely naked or to rely on something that can't last unless it involves abs, perfect skin, the scent of musk, and hair on my body that triggers the wave that if I ever try to be humanly unmanly; I simply cannot have.
I've always battled with the ordeal that my girly side is what kept me from things. Whether it be a job, a boyfriend, a friend, or even an invitation. Yes, I recall being banned from a church once because a 'so-called' friend felt that my attitude wasn't acceptable and yet I did all I knew to do; I wasn't even wearing lipstick at the time or eyeliner, or mascara. I was naked from myself and vulnerable.
Yet something inside me says that if anyone can't accept that I am far fetched of what a human being can relate; then they can poorly disconnect themselves and find a new connection with someone who cares to become the joke of all their demise.
Really, a judgmental one is a cowardly one because they can't see the beauty of what changes really are; they are merely facts of evolving into something new; something inviting and unique.
Still I resemble such days as my mirror was sitting by my bed, my dark heavy eyeliner and black nails and screeching hairstyle awaited a few fights with the father and a time at school when I was more of an outcast than carrot top himself.
I spent many after school hours going to remote places where I never been before. A park, a swing set, a road with no end. I used to dream of being acceptable in a place full of losers. I used to wonder what it would be like to wake up and just be beautiful like I had seen in so many faces at school. It's like they could be popular because they looked like they came from a wealthy history of beauty tips and strong style sense while I sit with my fellow outcast friends and even in their circle felt like the weirdo, or the loser that couldn't achieve.
It's those moments in life that beg you crucial changes. I don't want to bring a child into bitterness and ill moral behavior. I want my future children to know what being free really means. It doesn't mean sleeping with the entire school or cheating on your tests or making out with so and so to get an invite to prom. I never got to go to prom and I'm sure that I wouldn't of been allowed in anyway given the fact that I live in bible belt city where if your gay; they push you away.
I have read of gay couples getting denied the right to dance with their partner at a prom event simply because the school felt it was immoral and out of context to what their uneducated textbooks taught. Your textbooks don't match up to real life and I'm the first to tell you that.
Still, I'm not sure if I would have went to prom. No one was ever interested in me enough to even bother talking about it much less even dream of taking my gothic ass to a place where the preps always had the time of their life. Aside from there b.s. Gossip Girl type drama.
People often times asked why I didn't hangout with fellow gays in my school. Simply put, I had a few rules. Don't talk to someone who can't keep their self in check, avoid contact when possible as not to result in bitchy arguments or sex that won't really make any difference anyway and lastly, I didn't want to get more crap from people for actually proving to myself that I had ONE thing in common with the slut faces of my school.
While all the other gays (what little their were) were out smoking pot, getting drunk, snorting coke, taking pills, and nailing every guy they could while sneaking into some crappy club; I was hanging out with my friends and making memories I actually wanted to keep; not forget.
I know, I sound super judgmental but really; it's nice to reflect every once in awhile. It's good for the soul and for the sake of figuring out where you went wrong in the beginning.
Still, I've been through a lot. Lost many friends, some later and some earlier. Lost a reputation when I decided to think freely and basically say "F the world". Lost a chance with real relationships because I built walls that were stronger than a prison. I lost a lot. I gained a lot too however.
I gained self respect.
So many out there will lack that trait in a vast part of their life; most never find it until they are older and others don't even let it show because they want to experience things they have had way too many times. Sex for example. If you have it once; good, if you have it forever; you'll lose all thrill in it and you'll find yourself in my shoes. Wishing it didn't exist in the first place. When it boils down to the truth. I figured out why people are single so much.
It's not because of walls, it's not because of history, or genetics. It's because sex has become too important. It's the basis in choosing someone. Think about it, most of you out there wouldn't date a certain person unless they were truly attractive or they had something to them that made you go boing in the night. Perhaps this is a truth that kept me single because I know what men truly think.
Either way, enough of my reflection time and endless ranting. Get your asses to sleep.