and he is the only one that is there for me these days. I can sit and conversate with him more than anyone else if I so choose to. He won't turn me away or bring me down or make me feel like I'm less than.
All my life I've been on this crazy hunt for "love" and I didn't know that it ends up being in from of you right where you least expect to find it.
God is all I have and yet even in this relationship; I make mistakes.
It's a beautiful sunny day and all I can think about is going on a remote island and living a simple and green life with a few close friends and some home brewed food for comfort.
The sad thing in all of this is the fact that I still long a love that doesn't exist or so it seems. I won't ever meet someone who can accept me for me because I live in a world full of judgment, greed, hate, and vanity. All of which are things I can live without.
Everyone does it at some point. You try not to make a sorry mistake against someone but you do because your heart is selfish and then you turn selfish.
Love is selfless. Love is unconditional. Love is rare only because we don't understand love and it's simple standards. God made love and with that love; he is the only one that can fully understand it and help us to understand it.
I'm not saying you will find love, I'm merely saying that you will learn what love really is, rather than what some cosmogirl magazine will tell you or the look on some "cute" guy/girls face. In the end, they're love will perish while his is still afloat.
I'm not trying to stir a controversy or push upon you that you have to believe and follow God to get it. I'm just saying, God makes "love" easier to get.
While I'll be spending a lot of my life looking for human love; I know that spiritual love is one that overrides human love because it's eternal versus a love that can only last until that person is passed on; after that you have a dead love. It won't bring them back either even though we crave it.
I haven't dated someone, been hit on, not even close in years. It feels like I've died a bit and it's sad because once you die inside, you die slowly in everything else.
My relationships I had were temporary and always will be. Nothing lasts forever on this Earth. Not even human love.
I'm still bitter, very very very bitter but I'm trying to at least learn how to not show it so I don't scare some innocent person away with some kind of weird exposure of my inner thoughts.
I live in a world where my looks will mean everything (when they shouldn't), my heart means little to someone because they want what's outside of it, and of course because in our world, sex is all that people want. I can't love something that doesn't have love to begin with; can I? I think not.
Sure, people are good in their approach but after that, the true colors show and it tends to show a dark side that I can't accept. I won't ever be able to because I don't like being judged on my looks or how I dress or how I act around public places or if I will make mommy and daddy proud for you. No, none of that isn't important to me but sadly it is for so many of you out there.
You can't die and expect to take that boyfriend or girlfriend with you. We all die alone with God.
People get it twisted though, they think that everything on Earth is so important when they neglect to realize we're not really living until we die. THAT is why so many churches want you to come praise God because God holds the keys to life after death.
It becomes clearer however that I am abruptly uncool and lack the so-called "intelligence" needed to be in a steady relationship with someone but I can prove in this notion that I've got enough education to tell you what comes after. That's pretty darn smart if you ask me because a brain isn't made to know it all, it's made to figure things out on your own.
But really, what do I know.....I don't even have a relationship to help other fallen lovers gain back that void they lost
Simply put, I'm just like so many of you are. Still aching for a love that won't ever last.